{A song to think about: Deliverance - Bubba Sparxx.}
Sure to I'm start where not to quite. I hope that made sense to someone out there. Cause I know it does to me. A jumbled beginning to this creation is the perfect explanation as to what has been spinning around for these last few weeks. Like that emotional rollercoaster that vivian greene sang about. That song freakin' rocks. Can't listen to it without getting a clouded vision, but whatever. If your a frequent reader then you know where I've been and the slight hurdles I had to jump. Even though I didn't blog it; you knew because I told you. Problem is, that when I started to pen this, no more rain by angie stone came on, and I thought that was rather fitting. Except...in reverse, kinda. I already know the thoughts running through your head: "Ayye, c'mon Sei, you know yhat doesn't make sense. Cause if you reverse a song, then it isn't the same playboydukegodthun." Yeah I know, but you should read more. iLove. I'm human its what I do. I'm a cancerian; iLove harder, its in the zodiac-ness. its not always a bad thing, except my zodiac match is very volitile. Either we love strong, or fight like Ali & Frasier. Kids got small munnies to where my knots can fit in spandex, had a simple job and lost it. I didn't really look at it as a bad thing, more of a match to light a fire. And it helped in two coastal trips. Best birthday ever, and the best pre-presidential day since I was first excited about voting 4 yrs ago. That's all well and good, but the time has come to return to the nitty and the gritty of the main purpose of this blog. I've explained the triple blog that didn't happen, but now its time to explain why this blog took sooooo long to put together. I was stagnant and afraid. Plain and simple; only two people have ever heard me admit fear; and one of them should read this indefinitely. Its so much to put in here, (warning) that this blog (warning) is quite ossibly the longest blog I have ever written(clearly a foreshadow). I mean; I've taken the time out to cover other details in other blogs, some minute; and some rather gargantuan as far as details and thoughts go; but this may be the most collective group I have ever place in one blog. I mean I've said that my blogs have covered everything before, but none have covered actual conversations between me and outside parties, inside parties and parties brought in from the outside specifically for the purpose of collecting my sanity. I honestly believe if it wasn't for the conic book; I would have a) lost my slim grip on the little sanity and emotions I have left and b) did something hella-drastic, and the scarier thing about the drastic thoughts, I'm so randome; I wouldn't have known what I was doing before I did it.
So since your here, wanna trip with me? C'mon, it'll be fun, well at the very least it could be considered edutainment. (Oh, early disclaimer; I'm sorry in advance if parts of this story seem familiar; all names were removed to protect the innocent parties.) So come on, sir; float with me and let me take your chi on a ride.
An intermission: (A Few Words †: This may be the final away for a while; things have fallen down harder than our economic status; seemingly around the same time. Its been fun; its been real cool talking to some of you, you can contact me in various ways; the rest, go fuck a weed-whacker. Flip your scripts and count your chips; don't allow things to get comfortable, for your life is just a snow globe shake away from being totally fucked. Trust what you think you can; but remember this very important statement: you were born alone and you will, absolutely WILL die alone, no matter what you do. Do your best to hold on to what you have; but be careful with your grip, I'm not a numbers runner, I'm a numbers gunner, I do the work in my head faster than most calculators. I can't begin to give you the numericals. Just know that inside of a tear, there are memories...don't let 'em fall. Later.)
Back to the story. If it wasn't for distractions, then I would have probably cause some sort of bodily harm to myself, something that I could actually feel myself doing. Ya know, blades; electricity; 15 consecutive hard headbutts to a steel storm door; punch a wall until my knuckles bleed; or just drive for a while and pull up next to a pole due to a passenger powerslide. Thanks to friends, I stopped feeling like big, ready to die, final track, suicidal thoughts. So, I'll sum this third paragraph with this: thank you Bobby, that comic is a freakin sweet deterant. Thank you Za, the hopeful trips to visit gave me something to think about while I didn't have any thing but empty space on my mind. Thank you Kye, for just being an all around look out with everything, and the fashionista talk to keep me distracted. Small thanks to Santana for popping up at the hotel in june; and then seemingly magically returning back to my life when I needed another person to talk to. Thanks to those of you whom I didn't forget about, but just may be a few things that I didn't need to mention. If you're pissy about it, go fuck a trash compactor; my comments are open. Cry in there, I might give a shit. "Oh Sensei, you're so mean; why are you like that?" because at this point right now. I can honestly say, I just don't give a fuck about you, your problems, your issues, or your accomplishments. "Awl golly gee whiz mister, you don't have to be so mad at us, we didn't do anything." Yeah, I know, so to save myself the trouble later, here's a giant FUCK YOU because if you decide you want to be cool with me now, and then some point later, flip your script; you aren't shit. Sorry friends(?). If you know me, you've gottenpast this shit and already jumped down into the meat of this blog, which begins.......now.
Lauren Denise Sanders, we've been through a lot in two years; how strange it could be so much so far away. Thanks for feigning the interest in me for that time, I guess it was fun. I'm glad I had the chance to date you...and sometimes you AND your friend. I love you, which is why I soldiered through the bullshit in dealing with her. Went to outter sources to try and figure it out, then just gave up. Sorry she couldn't bear to learn how to deal with her friend being happy with someone else, until it was too late. I'm sorry she had to sit there and constantly tell you how "bad" I was for you, constantly making you think about things that me and you personally discussed and I assumed were dead issues and moot points. I'm sorry she was so fucking jealous of something that you had, and could still have. I'm sorry I made the mistake of ever involving you in matters of the heart, I'm sorry if I dragged you through this relationship and you weren't happy for longer than these 4 months. I'm sorry if I loved you more than you were ready for, I'm sorry if I saw something in you that I thought was perfect. I'm sorry if I changed myself for the better, only to have it be all for naught. I'm sorry if you read this and burst into confused tears with a mix of anger, sadness and depression. I'm sorry if I don't feel I could love anyone as much as I know I love you; and I'm sorry you couldn't take a step back to realize how much I do and how much of it isn't just words to you to make you smile on the outside. I'm sorry you broke our communication down. I'm sorry I didn't take the inititive to go and kick the shit out of tony when I was there in june, I'm sorry I was sick in october and I didn't hit your father when he tried to test me; I'm sorry I rubbed off on lisa to where she loves me and can talk to me about things with you. I'm sorry you started using me just for emotional stability when something bad would happen. I'm sorry I became your last resort to talk on the phone with. I don't give a flying flaming fuming FUCK if we just ended up crashing on the phone together. It was the principles behind the talking on the phone. "What are you doing?" I'm on the phone. "With who?" (insert male name) "whose that?" a friend. "What am I?" quick silence...don't start with me. I'm sorry I couldn't go back to spending 9,000 minutes on the phone with you like I did when I lived with my mother. Thanks for riding with me to florida, thanks for being there while I was so down on myself when I was living there. Thanks for the phone. I'm sorry you couldn't talk to my father, you guys would have had an awesome fucking conversation. I'm sorry I wasn't enough of something for you even though I was ready to give you the world in your hands. I'm sorry for these tears falling on my pillow. I'm sorry I can't see you one last time. Fuck the end of october trip, I left on false pretenses that I had a girlfriend. I'm sorry you couldn't let yourself love me like you know in your heart iove you. Thanks for falling asleep on me on our last sunday together, I'm glad you spent all that time with britany and let me feel so alone and so far away when I was so close. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'm sorry that everything I do reminds me of you. I'm sorry I loved you so much. I'm sorry I thought we could share a moment like kate and norbit under the tree. I'm sorry we ever shared laughter together. Thx4thmmries. I'll keep 'em in my shoebox. My heart isn't closed to you never will be. I'm sorry the ring I had for you was stolen. I'm sorry all we shared in the hotel was sex and things were left with such mixed signals. I'm sorry for the dog eared chapter of your life; thanks for being in mine. I'm sorry I didn't protect you; I'm sorry that I was afraid to jump at first, and that I made a strange decision to think that over as opposed to being impulsive at first. I'm sorry that the decision came too late. I'm sorry we didn't take the leap together. Thank you for showing me things I didn't know I had. Thanks for lighting the fire. I'm sorry we had to come to this and that even after this; there is still so much left unsaid. Thanks for being there for me. I will always be there for you, and like I told you before; I'll be standing on the threshold of your heart; waiting patiently for you to accept my bountiful happiness and undying love for you. This isn't a 'dear john' letter or anything just thoughts that were spinning.
sami said I should empty my thoughts into the blog but the problem is my mind is being blocked by my heart. Its not writers block its like an odd form of emotional stoppage. Its almost as if my body is slowly shutting down and everything is reverting back to that adamantium shell that protected me through high school, and 18mths at college. Problem is there were two people who cracked that shell, I thought the first was right; but it was something that didn't click; and what came of that was a morphed version of the shell. I learned and adapted. Then I met, ... Her. So, since we all know the story I'll spare it. Between the people whom I consider my friends; Robert, Samantha, Zakiyah, Kyeshia, Candice, Santana (and even the new readers ! I didn't forget you guys ;]), they've all said the same general thing: "you two give me hope" 'what?' "dude yall are like the quintessential couple, like when I look at you guys and what you do for her and vice versa, you help me to believe that there still is the possibility of true love left" 'seriously'? "Yes." Awl shucks guys[/norbit] thanks for the votes of confidence. It makes me feel good about things. So I'm now sitting here looking at the things that have befallen and I honestly stand here and wish I wasn't in the situation I'm in. Everybody who talks to me sees happiness, or depending on the closeness, a distrought inner person; some have you may even have sensed depression, but this blog isn't just about the La & Frank situation, its more about the state of Frank's current mental capacity. This is the first and only time you'll see this in 2008; which is why I do it at the end of the year. Its simple, really; happiness escapes me. Straight up. In 2008 I've had a total of 11 (eleven, 7+4) 100% happy days, no worries or stress or anything. So there were days where I felt good, but I was missing something. Of the 366 days in '08 355 were spent in a slight depression or funk. I would go to work but was never satisfied. I would try for new employ nothing would come, the funk would sink more. I did my best to keep things solid with my baby. I made my mistakes and I corrected them went to lengths I never thought I would go for anyone for her, except I didn't know what I was doing, I live life spontaniously and I don't know how to plan. I have an estranged family and with my cynical mind, I'm subliminally counting the days to when my dad will pass away, something I don't want to do, but I just think about it. I spent valentines day emotionally happy, but physically alone. I dropped the ball, a key fumble earlier, and I don't even want to mention that one. Some days I sit in my room, tv on-ish, ps2 off lights off and cry because I think my life is worthless; I get a few phone calls but not from anyone whom I really want to talk to, I just tell them what they need to hear and keep my feelings locked inside the cage. Sometimes I look back on my year and think 'wow, would things have been easier without me?" I've been asking some strange questions recently. If people would chose my life or there's; if I died today, would you still care in 6mths. I've had an offer from my uncle to come and live with him, in texas. Yeah that's cool, but like ... I have never spoken to him for more than 10mins (;/) I had a semblence of happiness for the year and the house that we built has now crumbled to a shack with a big hole that follows me around. And I don't know what to do anymore. I moved twice this year and I was doing fine until november, now I feel completely inadequite. I can't keep up with my rent, I'm barely making my cellphone bill, and I only have one fucking suit to wear. I don't understand how I doing my best to live the right way and I'm getting the shitty end of the stick with everything else, and other people I see doing various shady shit ---
WHY DOESN'T SHE FUCKING BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL HER THERE IS NOBODY ELSE IN MY LIFE BUT HER
They get everything. Is it a test from God? A cruel joke played by the karma gods?
"Yeah, well here's what we'll do: we'll give him a girl he loves with every fiber of his soul, he'll become happy, but the twist is she's 3000 miles away, and we'll take away any chance at money so he can only spend a minimal amount of time with her, but he'll have to make the best of it. But wait! Lets do all of this and then throw two naysayers one from both sides, and then we'll make it more difficult by throwing random wrenches into the equation at different times just to test his metle all the while we'll sit back and laugh while he frets and tries to find a way to make it work."
Gee, thanks. I appreciate it. I would have rather been stabbed in the back. At least the pain wouldn't have lasted as long. Whatever. So now I'm sitting here just lost dazed broken confused and pretty much alone right now. Thanks to those who've been there to talk, but you can't fill the massive void. A soul mate discussion was brought up last night. I have three opinions on that; I don't have one; I found her already; I never will find her. Idk. I realy just don't want to be bothered by any but one. Like seriously. I don't like it when someone tells me things they don't actually mean either. That irks what little of my soul I have left. I'll probably throw a second blog up in dealing with that. But right now I'll wipe these few tears away, and hope to start 09 with an awesome beginning as opposed to anything else.
I'm STILL confused as to why she doesn't fucking believe my promise I made. Never would I cheat on her. Never would I disrespect us, and something I worked so hard to build from so far away. I said I would never throw away what I saw as a lifetime of love for one night of lust. Yes there were flirtatious moments but I never let anything, ANYTHING come between the love I have for her. ... more coming
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Tuesday, November 4, 2008
A Nation Divided? Nah; just Lovers across the way...
Ok, originally there was supposed to be a triple blog drop; but I couldn't bring myself to dwell on just the negativity that was to be the second blog long enough to write about it. Those of you who have been paying attention know that halloween weekend was a huge deal for me; and october itself has turned into a pretty big month in my life. One birthday; shouts to Dad, (What up; Pappa Shango!) and to those who really pay attention, its a big travel month for me, and I got a very special anniversary on the 10th. I call it my 'Tamia' but for those of you who aren't R&B literate it was my last first kiss, it was my very last time kissing someone for the very first time. Knowing my audience, I'm sure the questions arise, but you might not ask them, so I will answer them. Yes it is hard to love someone so much so fully so far away. But not for the reasons you might assume. Since names aren't needed; that girl has had my heart since august 8th of 2006; and interestingly enough I realized it, but wasn't fully aware until I shuffled off to florida, and thought back about those 4 months when I didn't have a phone or Internet to contact her, yet every call I made she answered. Every email was responded to. Any message was replied.
A glimpse into a befuddled mind before this summer, would have shown you someone who was torn between pleasing himself, his love, and somehow pleasing the people he was around. Turns out the middle of the summer shown me who my true compatriots were and are. Heed my words from this statement; lonely fat bitches cannot be trusted. I could sit here and take the time out to say, all kinds of negative things, or any number of different recollections in which I simply had to take a step back and shake my head at the scenario, but I refuse to mention the times when she was played like a puppet by a masterful marionette on any number of different occasions. I laugh because of the thought: 'I'm in control, I have him wrapped around my finger' and all the while I would play the background like good mood music. Dropping the occasional hint that she needed to check her situation and seriously contemplate what was going on. Pfffft. I stopped caring tho, low self-esteem will get you caught up quicker than Usain Bolt.
Anyway, I'm digressing. If your eyes were gifted enough to read this, and you don't get mad; you're more than welcome to show up at the wedding. Consider it an informal formal invite; because if you know me you know I'm anything but traditional & orthodox in my behaviors. Interesting side note, the family mechanic even said it, known the family for 10+ years; that's basically a sign of a future event. Blew my mind at the auto shop; she said she wanted to move to Tokyo, UNPROVOKED! I got hella excited. Little known fact, I love when she asks me questions, cause I don't mind answering them. I don't care how much I look like a dweeb in my street chic clothing. I can't say that there are too many other people in the world who can explain holographic projection and the possible institution of holographic memory in electronic devices with a concise and thorough explanation in the time it takes to ride an escalator, and not make it seem impossible to understand. La, I know you're reading this; I love you. Bob, I know you're reading this; she laughed when you asked if we were engaged yet (Go Birds). Za, I know you're reading this, and the answer is yes, I really am happy. Sams, I know you're reading this, I don't know what the wedding song I want you to sing is yet, but I got some time, plus La's input is rather important. Kye, I know you're reading this, the new great wall of china is going to have to come down a smidge before you come. One last thing to bob, we should book a trip, it would be cheaper.
Ok, next brain valve; I know I kept telling yall I was moving to cali, destination west or whatever, but I now know I want to give myself a time limit. Personally I would love for it to be before the start of spring semester so I could go and collect all my paper work and transcripts from st marks and lincoln and just enroll into a school and come up on that quick study so I can begin working for the company, but I have to wait for the go-ahead from my Babe. I already have the basic outline of a simple plan for transplantation just so I can ease into it, but life would be grand if I can use my above average powers of persuasion on my cousin to get his ass out west so me and the two cousins can split a spot, save rent and make life a bit easier. There were moments when we spoke prior to me going out and I felt 100% powerless to help her with the issues going on and I could not stand that feeling. Today I was very pissed off, no; baby it wasn't you who did it, and I'm aware that you didn't know I kept it inside on purpose; but if I ever call you and you tell me something happened at your job with joseph, just go ahead and quit, then call hr, because as soon as I find out, he's going to want to fire you. I'm not sure what I would do, but I'm very east coast and heads will roll, and I got big bob to help me just in case. I don't ever want to find out that he was speaking to you in that manner again. He's not your father, so he definitely shouldn't be acting like it; that was very disrespectful and you and I both know; you're worth more than that.
But for blog pause purposes I'm going to sleep the rest of this flight. More later!
Its later, and I was on a prop plane; man that shit was fun. Travel both ways went as smooth as it could possibly go. So I'm sure that you're all waiting on a breakdown of how the trip went? Welp, here it is, you ready? Fucking Awesome. Even with the prior event of having her promise ring stolen, we still had an amazing time together. Friday was fun; saturday was freaking awesome. If you got $10 spend it on Zach & Miri make a porno. Freakin hilarious movie. Sunday was good, cept baby got sick, so I was making sure that she was feeling as best as she could. Yesterday was fun too, even with the douche-bag boss situation; the family mechanic is a cool dude. Unfair, and unwilling to bend on a price, but cool none the less. Yesterday was the most filling day; we just layed and chilled. Felt like we shoulda felt, me and her just posted in the room cuddled up laughing at martin & gina, and being fat. Man, lets let this time tick and melt away so I can resituate myself on that coast. I'm goin back soon as I can. I have a few interesting ideas in the works in my mind...but I'm not quite sure yet.
I hope you got to your local poling place; because all you fuckers(La excluded) are worthless if you don't(La excluded again). Yes I did my part, I voted; looong before any of yall even made the move to think about posting the Obiden shits in your stats and aways. (La excluded) I'm done ranting, all I know is; if mccain some how pulls off the bullshit of all bullshits; free the D.C. Sniper, give him two shots, one for McCain't and one for Sarah Plain. I'm done with my political rants. I love my baby, and the Eagles will pwn on sunday Robert.
**Blog Update**
Obama is diggin in that ass. Just remember: Rosa sat so Martin could walk; Martin walked so Obama could run; Obama is running so our children can fly. Gotta love history. Its been an amazing two weeks, Phillies get a world series, I seen my baby, Obama is trouncing McCain't; it feels good. Smells like victory :) and Za is right, I have learned patience, and you know what I'm glad I have; I don't react to things, from her, like I used to. Everybody else gets the short fuse, La gets the monocle and pipe sherlock holmes face. I know why, she knows why; yall don't...yet...
A glimpse into a befuddled mind before this summer, would have shown you someone who was torn between pleasing himself, his love, and somehow pleasing the people he was around. Turns out the middle of the summer shown me who my true compatriots were and are. Heed my words from this statement; lonely fat bitches cannot be trusted. I could sit here and take the time out to say, all kinds of negative things, or any number of different recollections in which I simply had to take a step back and shake my head at the scenario, but I refuse to mention the times when she was played like a puppet by a masterful marionette on any number of different occasions. I laugh because of the thought: 'I'm in control, I have him wrapped around my finger' and all the while I would play the background like good mood music. Dropping the occasional hint that she needed to check her situation and seriously contemplate what was going on. Pfffft. I stopped caring tho, low self-esteem will get you caught up quicker than Usain Bolt.
Anyway, I'm digressing. If your eyes were gifted enough to read this, and you don't get mad; you're more than welcome to show up at the wedding. Consider it an informal formal invite; because if you know me you know I'm anything but traditional & orthodox in my behaviors. Interesting side note, the family mechanic even said it, known the family for 10+ years; that's basically a sign of a future event. Blew my mind at the auto shop; she said she wanted to move to Tokyo, UNPROVOKED! I got hella excited. Little known fact, I love when she asks me questions, cause I don't mind answering them. I don't care how much I look like a dweeb in my street chic clothing. I can't say that there are too many other people in the world who can explain holographic projection and the possible institution of holographic memory in electronic devices with a concise and thorough explanation in the time it takes to ride an escalator, and not make it seem impossible to understand. La, I know you're reading this; I love you. Bob, I know you're reading this; she laughed when you asked if we were engaged yet (Go Birds). Za, I know you're reading this, and the answer is yes, I really am happy. Sams, I know you're reading this, I don't know what the wedding song I want you to sing is yet, but I got some time, plus La's input is rather important. Kye, I know you're reading this, the new great wall of china is going to have to come down a smidge before you come. One last thing to bob, we should book a trip, it would be cheaper.
Ok, next brain valve; I know I kept telling yall I was moving to cali, destination west or whatever, but I now know I want to give myself a time limit. Personally I would love for it to be before the start of spring semester so I could go and collect all my paper work and transcripts from st marks and lincoln and just enroll into a school and come up on that quick study so I can begin working for the company, but I have to wait for the go-ahead from my Babe. I already have the basic outline of a simple plan for transplantation just so I can ease into it, but life would be grand if I can use my above average powers of persuasion on my cousin to get his ass out west so me and the two cousins can split a spot, save rent and make life a bit easier. There were moments when we spoke prior to me going out and I felt 100% powerless to help her with the issues going on and I could not stand that feeling. Today I was very pissed off, no; baby it wasn't you who did it, and I'm aware that you didn't know I kept it inside on purpose; but if I ever call you and you tell me something happened at your job with joseph, just go ahead and quit, then call hr, because as soon as I find out, he's going to want to fire you. I'm not sure what I would do, but I'm very east coast and heads will roll, and I got big bob to help me just in case. I don't ever want to find out that he was speaking to you in that manner again. He's not your father, so he definitely shouldn't be acting like it; that was very disrespectful and you and I both know; you're worth more than that.
But for blog pause purposes I'm going to sleep the rest of this flight. More later!
Its later, and I was on a prop plane; man that shit was fun. Travel both ways went as smooth as it could possibly go. So I'm sure that you're all waiting on a breakdown of how the trip went? Welp, here it is, you ready? Fucking Awesome. Even with the prior event of having her promise ring stolen, we still had an amazing time together. Friday was fun; saturday was freaking awesome. If you got $10 spend it on Zach & Miri make a porno. Freakin hilarious movie. Sunday was good, cept baby got sick, so I was making sure that she was feeling as best as she could. Yesterday was fun too, even with the douche-bag boss situation; the family mechanic is a cool dude. Unfair, and unwilling to bend on a price, but cool none the less. Yesterday was the most filling day; we just layed and chilled. Felt like we shoulda felt, me and her just posted in the room cuddled up laughing at martin & gina, and being fat. Man, lets let this time tick and melt away so I can resituate myself on that coast. I'm goin back soon as I can. I have a few interesting ideas in the works in my mind...but I'm not quite sure yet.
I hope you got to your local poling place; because all you fuckers(La excluded) are worthless if you don't(La excluded again). Yes I did my part, I voted; looong before any of yall even made the move to think about posting the Obiden shits in your stats and aways. (La excluded) I'm done ranting, all I know is; if mccain some how pulls off the bullshit of all bullshits; free the D.C. Sniper, give him two shots, one for McCain't and one for Sarah Plain. I'm done with my political rants. I love my baby, and the Eagles will pwn on sunday Robert.
**Blog Update**
Obama is diggin in that ass. Just remember: Rosa sat so Martin could walk; Martin walked so Obama could run; Obama is running so our children can fly. Gotta love history. Its been an amazing two weeks, Phillies get a world series, I seen my baby, Obama is trouncing McCain't; it feels good. Smells like victory :) and Za is right, I have learned patience, and you know what I'm glad I have; I don't react to things, from her, like I used to. Everybody else gets the short fuse, La gets the monocle and pipe sherlock holmes face. I know why, she knows why; yall don't...yet...
Friday, October 10, 2008
Part 1; or Leeeeet the SunshiiiiineIn.
Welcome to the first entry of the Triple Blog Drop. The short version of the explanation is simply its several things going on at once and even the triple conversation I had earlier isn't enough to balance the scales. Now the positive fact about this; its not all bad, sheeit its more good than bad, but the bad is really heavy; something like the gravity on the planet saturn. Its slowing the thoughts to a general funnel of confusion. Positive side, the good to be mentioned is really good; I just can't get a good bead on it because I'm being fogged up. Now I did mention this is a triple blog drop, and since good and bad are only two thirds of the finality, there is the last piece of the pie. Balance. Everything has its way and I am a firm believer in balance, yin & yang, karma, fate, destiny, and some dabbles in astrology. That's a lot to take in, but pt3 will explain it a lot better than the small blurb I'm giving now. So, now that I've bored you to death with the semantics and the simple explanation; its time for the reason you entered the url or bookmarked it. (Oh short edit before I begin, I found out some disturbing news when in the process of writing these three. The evidence will be in pt2.) Let uss begin; shall we?
Welcome back. A lot has been goings on since we last spoke, and as I said there is some good, some bad, and some indifferences. Since I have decreed this the "Good Blog" you don't have to worry about any negativity swooshin around, everything positive. For example; I removed two malignant growths from my side recently. Pretty good! It turns out people really can only be trusted as far as you can throw them. So a word of advice from the wise to the educated; when you think you know some one, tell them your in a relationship, and your in love; see what the reaction is, and be ary of the upcoming months. If they become bitter, disassociate with that person as soon as you possibly can. They will turn on you as soon as they get a chance and a half feasable reason to do so. Anyway, I'm digressing, I'll save that for part two. I'm going, going; back, back; to cali, cali. I leave on the 31st, and I get to spend a weekend with my (if you've been reading the blog) ---------- and I can not be happier. So what if I said fuck the rent I love her; I don't care, my landlady has known me since I was a kid, and the last time I didn't have it all they let me go until I paid it off which was the next check. So yes, I leave @ 9:30am and touchdown @ 2pm and I won't take my hands off of her from 2:15pm until 9pm monday night, damn what lisa says, she's spending at least one night. I haven't snuggled up with my baby since 10/14/07 and I couldn't even enjoy the last moment like we were supposed to, because I was sick :( this time, I am getting one full night just to hold her close, stare into her eyes, and let her know from the inner-depths of my soul and the furthest reaches of my heart that everything will be ok. We both know its true, but its like...for some estranged ass reason things keep making this a difficult time. I am working on my patience as fast as I can switch different cogs on and off to keep everything balanced for her. As well as moving other things out of my life. Its working very well. Blog we're boys, I can tell you; I honestly didn't think I would be willing to do so much for one person that I was dating until I met Lauren, and deeper into that, I didn't know that there would be a time when I had to chose between my best friend and her, and that it would be actually easier for me to chose her than him. I couldn't forsee the fact that I stand on one side ready to give up everything I've known on one coast for my everything on the other.
Welcome back. A lot has been goings on since we last spoke, and as I said there is some good, some bad, and some indifferences. Since I have decreed this the "Good Blog" you don't have to worry about any negativity swooshin around, everything positive. For example; I removed two malignant growths from my side recently. Pretty good! It turns out people really can only be trusted as far as you can throw them. So a word of advice from the wise to the educated; when you think you know some one, tell them your in a relationship, and your in love; see what the reaction is, and be ary of the upcoming months. If they become bitter, disassociate with that person as soon as you possibly can. They will turn on you as soon as they get a chance and a half feasable reason to do so. Anyway, I'm digressing, I'll save that for part two. I'm going, going; back, back; to cali, cali. I leave on the 31st, and I get to spend a weekend with my (if you've been reading the blog) ---------- and I can not be happier. So what if I said fuck the rent I love her; I don't care, my landlady has known me since I was a kid, and the last time I didn't have it all they let me go until I paid it off which was the next check. So yes, I leave @ 9:30am and touchdown @ 2pm and I won't take my hands off of her from 2:15pm until 9pm monday night, damn what lisa says, she's spending at least one night. I haven't snuggled up with my baby since 10/14/07 and I couldn't even enjoy the last moment like we were supposed to, because I was sick :( this time, I am getting one full night just to hold her close, stare into her eyes, and let her know from the inner-depths of my soul and the furthest reaches of my heart that everything will be ok. We both know its true, but its like...for some estranged ass reason things keep making this a difficult time. I am working on my patience as fast as I can switch different cogs on and off to keep everything balanced for her. As well as moving other things out of my life. Its working very well. Blog we're boys, I can tell you; I honestly didn't think I would be willing to do so much for one person that I was dating until I met Lauren, and deeper into that, I didn't know that there would be a time when I had to chose between my best friend and her, and that it would be actually easier for me to chose her than him. I couldn't forsee the fact that I stand on one side ready to give up everything I've known on one coast for my everything on the other.
Saturday, September 20, 2008
Banzai Trees & Koi Ponds or The Purpose of Meditation
Yes, I know my title was a mouthfull, but it actually describes the blog very well; on a positive note, I plan on getting two books and an actual banzai tree sometime in the near future. The books have to do with Tai Chi & Buddhism; two good introspectives that involve heavy meditation and self awareness. It'll help that li'l demon I have inside. Ok so its not that li'l; but you catch the drift. Its a lot of good that would come from me doing something I told myself a looong time ago I was supposed to do. I've been wanting a Banzai tree ever since I see Mr. Miagi tend to his in Karate Kid 1&2. Its the general concept behind the tree that I find I am drawn to. Patiently; I must water, prune, and take care of it. Can't rush the beauty of a banzai tree. It also has a lot to do with something I am missing; or need an improvement on, my patience as a reaction point of first response. I've been quick to flare up a lot recently, which is out of my character, but I don't exactly know what the catalyst is, because its been something different every time, so far. I've been told by 4 people the same thing; be patient; the first I should have listened too a long time ago when it was first mentioned; but now I've dug a hole and I don't have any rope. I m,ust be patient. Its killing my natural order; because with being patient takes the control out of my hands; and I am not quite used to this scenario, I'm used to having a stake in what's going on at all times, so then I could be in some sort of control if chaos ensues. So, yes, I must be patient and I must develop that; which is slowly but surely coming around, but it ain't going as fast as it needs to right now. On the flip side of the scenario; I also must work on my understanding. Eventhough it was as high as it was when dealing in direct with people; it was missing the key factor of 'understanding without knowing' which is probably the hardest way for me to understand something. Simply because I'm used to inquiring and figuring out from deducement or just general answers; but I do believe the change needs to be made. I said in previous blogs & letters; that I would do anything to be with her, and now I must put that into action. Wait patiently in the wings; and cherish the time you do have.
"Hello, Sei; you know I have a thought on this right?"
Of course Zat; but urm...you couldn't have waited until I finished writing?
"No, it has to do with where your thoughts are right now."
Alright; what's the good word?
"What happened this week; you don't have to express it, we already know, but think about what happened this week. Like, seriously stop what your currently thinking about and think about this week."
Uh...ok...
"Now what have we learned from those retrospectives?"
She knows, --
"Pfft nigga the universe knows; be more specific."
That I do care, even as of now; I still look in to make sure things are ok; to see how work and school went; even if its only for just a second; I ask, and fall away back to the shadows.
"Ok, and what does that show?"
Dedication
"Good; anything else?"
As per her request; patience.
"Right, and what does that show?"
Well as of right now, since its something that is developing in me, a willingness to do what is asked.
"Good. Anything else?"
Self Second.
"Go on;"
I have been being a selfish person at times; and even though I put her first, I might not have been selfless. #1 in my thoughts and heart, but at times not always number one in my mind; I would blame the OCM; but that would jusr be a way of taking the blame off of myself or trying to make excuses for something I have total control over.
"OCM?"
Only Child Mentality; me first, you second, or if I like you you 1-a
"Yeah...you need to get rid of that."
Like I said, I'm not using it as an excuse, there are no excuses. It was all simply me.
"Good, so not only are you learning what she's trying to tell you; you're adapting to what's around you and taking what others are saying too."
Yes. Evolution.
"Well, you're duces now, so its about damn time that you did."
Yeah, shaddap, just cause your old and we split time, does not mean that I automatically know everything. and technically if it wasn't for me, things would be a whole lot more...rigid.
"Yes, but now is the time to do things the way you know they need to be done"
True, true.
"Yeah, but you are still very, very impulsive...aren't we out $250 right now?"
Mhm, on a whim too...
"I told yo ass not to."
Don't care, I still got a few more days.
"Chalk it, its only money."
Fair enough. But uhh...can I get back to writing this now?
"Yeah sure, I just needed to pop up to remind you of some things"
Much ablighed Zat; you know when you'll be back.
Sorry, avid readers; sometimes the interior does pop up to make sure things are kool moe dee. Anyway, yes; I am patiently waiting and no, I haven't given up on anything; but, because of her request I must take the time to think about every step I am making in dealing with the current situation; instead of lowering my head and charging in with no regard for human life. I did say in the beginning that I was going to look at Tai Chi, so clearly the world's eyes are looking at me like I'm crazy wondering when I was going to mention that. Tai Chi is quite possibly the second most relaxing thing a person can do for themselves outside of yoga and deep meditation, with the practice of Tai Chi it teaches you to slow down; as well as think about every move so that you can glide effortlessly through your thoughts. Now what I am hoping to gain from the study, along with patience is; understanding. I just heard the collective audience go: "huh?" let me explain. Since Aug, I've been thinking a lot. More than I usually do, and instead of circumventing and thinking about everything at once, I honed in my brain's focus and just looked at us. Anyone who knows my thought patterns knows what I mean when I say I decided to focus my thinking. It allows me to take one part of a situation and look at it in depth from all sides of that particular angle. What I have picked up from this particular stop-and-study was something that should have occured to me a loooooooooooooooong time ago, long before august and long before june. I would slip &nd flip. There were three stages of my relationship, and I didn't realize what I was doing;
›The first stage was what I call "wifey"; La was/is my girlfriend and I told her I want to marry her, and that I would do anything for her, and I would show that, more often than not, if I was to give it a number, I would have to say roughly 83% of the time. Which in terms of numbers is a good amount of time, showered with the attention, not thinking of anyone but her; catering to her every need; being there all the time, and even knowing to be there before she was aware that she needed me at the time. Even threw in a few surprises here and there.
›Stage two was what I call "girlfriend"; its almost the same circumstances as wifey except it was a small downgrade, nothing too noticeable but it was there if there was something that was better all the time. I would enter into stage two roughly 10% of the time; which isn't to say its a bad thing, it was just not the norm. GF is considered the 'ok we're together, but I'm insecure, so I ask questions' stage. Its not a good stage, but there weren't any bad notions from it; things were split, eventhough I wasn't anticipating the bad times or waiting on her every whim, I was always there; without a shout of a doubt loyal. Never wavered in anyway from her, but there was still the nagging insecurities; which sometimes would overpower and lead into stage three
›The "really cool chick" stage is the stage that was an involuntary and direct result of the insecurities from stage 2; now clearly the percentage of this stage is rather small; somewhere around 7. This stage is quite possibly the worst stage that I could allow myself to succumb to, especially with as much will power I have; and the amount of self control. Let me explain; in the wifey stage, a persuer of La whom she told me about would get a laugh; and then an immitation of what he said; followed by us sharing laughter. In stage 2, said persuer was met with concern and worry; stage three met the same scenario with a bit more disdain and jealousy of said persuer, and led to a more detrimental series of questions instead of simply asking in a caring way. In stage one, simple outtings were met with calm responses and laughter filled texts; stage two, concern & a few 'who is it' questions and more urgent texts, borderline smothering; stage three, was again more detrimental, adding more stress and demanding more of her than the other two. Even though stage one was 83 and stage three was 7; the magnitude of the 7 had enough weight to overpower stage one and two; which explains why certain things went unmentioned, topics were left untouched, and thoughts went unexplained. Now within these stages, there also happend to be three versions of myself that would show through. Simply put a selfless, her first; a selfless but cautious; and a selfish 'me me me me' version; the problem with this was, that as good as v1 and v2 were, the poor showing of v3 would always stick out in the mind because there were things that happened during the v3 stage that anyone would look at and say: "what the feezie?" So the problem with the fact that there were three stages of me was that it brought about two stages of her; stage one, the "bodyguard" stage, yanno, 'and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeiiiiiiii will always love youuuuuuuuhoooooo-oh' [/whitney houston] and the "wtf smh" stage which when in said stage, things didn't matter, and it usually lasted as long as my stage 3 was around...
"Hello, again."
Yes, sir?
"What took you so long?"
What's that?
"To see the stupid shit you were doing"
I don't know, can I finish this thought and your interjections will be more than welcome...
"Sure; continue."
So, the problem would arise in this nature: 1+2 = :](1), then 1+3 = ;/ (2,go away) then, 1+1+1+2 = ;[ (almost 1) then, 1+1 = 1 ;];]]:*:* (iLy, iLy2) then 3+2 = 2 (I need space) then 1+2 = ? then 1+1=1 & (an awesome feeling) and it coasted into a 2+3 scenario because things became estranged, a few factors were incorporated, and it became 3x3+2 = 2+2 and 3x3+1+2 = *ugh* or to make that simpler: eventhough stage 3 was the less ventured feelings and thoughts it far outweighed the other two and forced a counter-balance or a defense shield to appear. The difference between this one, and the previous defense, is that inorder for it to fall, 3 must be destroyed, and 1 needs to be boosted from 90% to a solid 110%.
At this point, I'm almost certain that all the eyes on this page are crossed and brains have shut down; so allow me to reboot. In order for things to fall back into place, 'selfish, jealous, dickhead" must end up in the Christiana River, with a slit from his juggular to his aorta. The problem with doing something of this magnetudem is not the difficulty of the situational and subsequential death; its finding a way to express and show beyond a shout of a doubt that he is officially dead, gone, incinerated & scattered across five counties. There is no definitive way to show that the demon is exercised, but there are steps to be shown and things that can be placed in areas as hints to he is gone. For example, one of my previous blogs was written out of anger Anti BBBFS, and I wrote it almost a year ago. I honestly have to say that my opinion on and in that blog has changed. So things aren't exactly copasetic, but the afforementioned isn't a bad person; just misunderstood by one, and misguided by another. Signals were crossed and things did not start well; consider this a formal yet encompassing appology to Britney for the wrong vision I took on her stances.
"What made you say that?"
Something hit me like a ton of feathers; call it an epiphany, but it made sense.
"Explain..."
She said she wants the best for Lauren, and that she wanted one like me, but her opinion changed after I left, so clearly something I was doing was not kosher.
"Ok,"
So, it dawned upon me that she is not an enemy of the state, but an ally to the actual cause. Keeping an enemy of an ally for something you and her both want is not a good idea.
"So your hoping to accomplish what?"
Nothing really, I personally wanted to clear the air between me and her, I honestly don't want any bad juju.
"What prompted this, do you have an ulterior motive?"
No, not necissarily an ulterior motive; but its something that's been on my head for a few days; its my heart's best friend, and something happened to her, I personally wouldn't feel right if I didn't clear the air
"Word, word"
So, I decided to offer the olive branch. Between me and b, we're aiming for the same goal, but we're butting heads to get something that we both feel is rightfully deserved.
"I like that, I see I'm rubbing off on that impulsive, brash that you have within"
Yeah, this is true, but you know better than I, that it still lingers for when the time is needed.
"Yes but you are learning an upgraded version of humility"
Right, but...
*unison* "its not up to us to accept what we are showing"
Yes, I already know. These realizations could have come later, but other events could have happened as well.
"So, did you outline your offer to her yet?"
No...
"Df is you waitin for?"
Idk...
"Get to spillin it. Ahora!"
Welp, since I was directed; I have this thought in my head; I mean as of right now, its just a brainstorm session inside of a swirl-pool of ideas for various other things, but for some reason when I stick my feet in the pool, this one swirls to the top; and it stems from keen observations and general care. I would like for nothing more than to support her from now, until she finishes. I know, you guys again; "what the FEEZIE?!!!" but its not like I want to just pay for school or somethin and let her flounder; nah. My idea/unspoken offer is to reawaken her latent happiness, and hidden inner joy. La goes to work, one day out the week, school for four, and kicks it on her off nights. Now if she was about to go shopping shed just hit me and ask for whatever and it wuld be done. No questions no hastles. I know, I know: "but Sei, you live over here, and she's waaaaaaaay over there; that's no bueno; clearly I'd have to swap coasts; but as you know that's nothing for me. Neither is ensuring La's happiness. Contradictory; I'm aware, but as of now this idea is purely in the hypothetical stages, as well as the lack of stipulations and shit. That's the bare bones idea.
"Now how hard was that"
Not hard at all.
"So now what,"
Its out of our hands, almost totally.
"Think she'll read this?"
...
So anyway now that self has taken a backseat; its time to bring everything home. The koi pond and banzai tree are representitives of different ways I would have to treat my relationship with La in order for her to believe the words I'm saying to her. The meditation begets the understanding of her inner most thoughst. in the marathon, its not about what happens now; its about how we build on it together. I still believe that her and I are going to have a future together, I still believe in our marriage and procreation. I also believe that if she does come back then any other issues down the road, if any will be handled a much different way, than just silence and disassociation. Nothing would please me more than to hear her say the words: "ok, but lets just take it one day @ a time" I have no problems rebuilding our perfection together, as well as I lack the qualms involving doing whatever she requests of me. Its nothing of me to do for her, and she knows it. Its just a matter of how soon will she be ready to accept and welcome that feeling she once had; that 'hand me the world on a silver platter, it wouldn't even matter; because I ain't got nothing, if I can't have you" feeling back in her life. I have absolutely no issues with giving her everything and taking nothing from her. I will gladly return to my Lauren D. Sanders with no hesitaton and lack of any fear of anything. I want to take the leap with her...
Or in other words: she's got me goin in circles...oh oh oh 'round and 'round I go...
She is; the poem I cannot write, the story I can't complete. My muse and my vigor, everything to me, always will be...
"Hello, Sei; you know I have a thought on this right?"
Of course Zat; but urm...you couldn't have waited until I finished writing?
"No, it has to do with where your thoughts are right now."
Alright; what's the good word?
"What happened this week; you don't have to express it, we already know, but think about what happened this week. Like, seriously stop what your currently thinking about and think about this week."
Uh...ok...
"Now what have we learned from those retrospectives?"
She knows, --
"Pfft nigga the universe knows; be more specific."
That I do care, even as of now; I still look in to make sure things are ok; to see how work and school went; even if its only for just a second; I ask, and fall away back to the shadows.
"Ok, and what does that show?"
Dedication
"Good; anything else?"
As per her request; patience.
"Right, and what does that show?"
Well as of right now, since its something that is developing in me, a willingness to do what is asked.
"Good. Anything else?"
Self Second.
"Go on;"
I have been being a selfish person at times; and even though I put her first, I might not have been selfless. #1 in my thoughts and heart, but at times not always number one in my mind; I would blame the OCM; but that would jusr be a way of taking the blame off of myself or trying to make excuses for something I have total control over.
"OCM?"
Only Child Mentality; me first, you second, or if I like you you 1-a
"Yeah...you need to get rid of that."
Like I said, I'm not using it as an excuse, there are no excuses. It was all simply me.
"Good, so not only are you learning what she's trying to tell you; you're adapting to what's around you and taking what others are saying too."
Yes. Evolution.
"Well, you're duces now, so its about damn time that you did."
Yeah, shaddap, just cause your old and we split time, does not mean that I automatically know everything. and technically if it wasn't for me, things would be a whole lot more...rigid.
"Yes, but now is the time to do things the way you know they need to be done"
True, true.
"Yeah, but you are still very, very impulsive...aren't we out $250 right now?"
Mhm, on a whim too...
"I told yo ass not to."
Don't care, I still got a few more days.
"Chalk it, its only money."
Fair enough. But uhh...can I get back to writing this now?
"Yeah sure, I just needed to pop up to remind you of some things"
Much ablighed Zat; you know when you'll be back.
Sorry, avid readers; sometimes the interior does pop up to make sure things are kool moe dee. Anyway, yes; I am patiently waiting and no, I haven't given up on anything; but, because of her request I must take the time to think about every step I am making in dealing with the current situation; instead of lowering my head and charging in with no regard for human life. I did say in the beginning that I was going to look at Tai Chi, so clearly the world's eyes are looking at me like I'm crazy wondering when I was going to mention that. Tai Chi is quite possibly the second most relaxing thing a person can do for themselves outside of yoga and deep meditation, with the practice of Tai Chi it teaches you to slow down; as well as think about every move so that you can glide effortlessly through your thoughts. Now what I am hoping to gain from the study, along with patience is; understanding. I just heard the collective audience go: "huh?" let me explain. Since Aug, I've been thinking a lot. More than I usually do, and instead of circumventing and thinking about everything at once, I honed in my brain's focus and just looked at us. Anyone who knows my thought patterns knows what I mean when I say I decided to focus my thinking. It allows me to take one part of a situation and look at it in depth from all sides of that particular angle. What I have picked up from this particular stop-and-study was something that should have occured to me a loooooooooooooooong time ago, long before august and long before june. I would slip &nd flip. There were three stages of my relationship, and I didn't realize what I was doing;
›The first stage was what I call "wifey"; La was/is my girlfriend and I told her I want to marry her, and that I would do anything for her, and I would show that, more often than not, if I was to give it a number, I would have to say roughly 83% of the time. Which in terms of numbers is a good amount of time, showered with the attention, not thinking of anyone but her; catering to her every need; being there all the time, and even knowing to be there before she was aware that she needed me at the time. Even threw in a few surprises here and there.
›Stage two was what I call "girlfriend"; its almost the same circumstances as wifey except it was a small downgrade, nothing too noticeable but it was there if there was something that was better all the time. I would enter into stage two roughly 10% of the time; which isn't to say its a bad thing, it was just not the norm. GF is considered the 'ok we're together, but I'm insecure, so I ask questions' stage. Its not a good stage, but there weren't any bad notions from it; things were split, eventhough I wasn't anticipating the bad times or waiting on her every whim, I was always there; without a shout of a doubt loyal. Never wavered in anyway from her, but there was still the nagging insecurities; which sometimes would overpower and lead into stage three
›The "really cool chick" stage is the stage that was an involuntary and direct result of the insecurities from stage 2; now clearly the percentage of this stage is rather small; somewhere around 7. This stage is quite possibly the worst stage that I could allow myself to succumb to, especially with as much will power I have; and the amount of self control. Let me explain; in the wifey stage, a persuer of La whom she told me about would get a laugh; and then an immitation of what he said; followed by us sharing laughter. In stage 2, said persuer was met with concern and worry; stage three met the same scenario with a bit more disdain and jealousy of said persuer, and led to a more detrimental series of questions instead of simply asking in a caring way. In stage one, simple outtings were met with calm responses and laughter filled texts; stage two, concern & a few 'who is it' questions and more urgent texts, borderline smothering; stage three, was again more detrimental, adding more stress and demanding more of her than the other two. Even though stage one was 83 and stage three was 7; the magnitude of the 7 had enough weight to overpower stage one and two; which explains why certain things went unmentioned, topics were left untouched, and thoughts went unexplained. Now within these stages, there also happend to be three versions of myself that would show through. Simply put a selfless, her first; a selfless but cautious; and a selfish 'me me me me' version; the problem with this was, that as good as v1 and v2 were, the poor showing of v3 would always stick out in the mind because there were things that happened during the v3 stage that anyone would look at and say: "what the feezie?" So the problem with the fact that there were three stages of me was that it brought about two stages of her; stage one, the "bodyguard" stage, yanno, 'and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeiiiiiiii will always love youuuuuuuuhoooooo-oh' [/whitney houston] and the "wtf smh" stage which when in said stage, things didn't matter, and it usually lasted as long as my stage 3 was around...
"Hello, again."
Yes, sir?
"What took you so long?"
What's that?
"To see the stupid shit you were doing"
I don't know, can I finish this thought and your interjections will be more than welcome...
"Sure; continue."
So, the problem would arise in this nature: 1+2 = :](1), then 1+3 = ;/ (2,go away) then, 1+1+1+2 = ;[ (almost 1) then, 1+1 = 1 ;];]]:*:* (iLy, iLy2) then 3+2 = 2 (I need space) then 1+2 = ? then 1+1=1 & (an awesome feeling) and it coasted into a 2+3 scenario because things became estranged, a few factors were incorporated, and it became 3x3+2 = 2+2 and 3x3+1+2 = *ugh* or to make that simpler: eventhough stage 3 was the less ventured feelings and thoughts it far outweighed the other two and forced a counter-balance or a defense shield to appear. The difference between this one, and the previous defense, is that inorder for it to fall, 3 must be destroyed, and 1 needs to be boosted from 90% to a solid 110%.
At this point, I'm almost certain that all the eyes on this page are crossed and brains have shut down; so allow me to reboot. In order for things to fall back into place, 'selfish, jealous, dickhead" must end up in the Christiana River, with a slit from his juggular to his aorta. The problem with doing something of this magnetudem is not the difficulty of the situational and subsequential death; its finding a way to express and show beyond a shout of a doubt that he is officially dead, gone, incinerated & scattered across five counties. There is no definitive way to show that the demon is exercised, but there are steps to be shown and things that can be placed in areas as hints to he is gone. For example, one of my previous blogs was written out of anger Anti BBBFS, and I wrote it almost a year ago. I honestly have to say that my opinion on and in that blog has changed. So things aren't exactly copasetic, but the afforementioned isn't a bad person; just misunderstood by one, and misguided by another. Signals were crossed and things did not start well; consider this a formal yet encompassing appology to Britney for the wrong vision I took on her stances.
"What made you say that?"
Something hit me like a ton of feathers; call it an epiphany, but it made sense.
"Explain..."
She said she wants the best for Lauren, and that she wanted one like me, but her opinion changed after I left, so clearly something I was doing was not kosher.
"Ok,"
So, it dawned upon me that she is not an enemy of the state, but an ally to the actual cause. Keeping an enemy of an ally for something you and her both want is not a good idea.
"So your hoping to accomplish what?"
Nothing really, I personally wanted to clear the air between me and her, I honestly don't want any bad juju.
"What prompted this, do you have an ulterior motive?"
No, not necissarily an ulterior motive; but its something that's been on my head for a few days; its my heart's best friend, and something happened to her, I personally wouldn't feel right if I didn't clear the air
"Word, word"
So, I decided to offer the olive branch. Between me and b, we're aiming for the same goal, but we're butting heads to get something that we both feel is rightfully deserved.
"I like that, I see I'm rubbing off on that impulsive, brash that you have within"
Yeah, this is true, but you know better than I, that it still lingers for when the time is needed.
"Yes but you are learning an upgraded version of humility"
Right, but...
*unison* "its not up to us to accept what we are showing"
Yes, I already know. These realizations could have come later, but other events could have happened as well.
"So, did you outline your offer to her yet?"
No...
"Df is you waitin for?"
Idk...
"Get to spillin it. Ahora!"
Welp, since I was directed; I have this thought in my head; I mean as of right now, its just a brainstorm session inside of a swirl-pool of ideas for various other things, but for some reason when I stick my feet in the pool, this one swirls to the top; and it stems from keen observations and general care. I would like for nothing more than to support her from now, until she finishes. I know, you guys again; "what the FEEZIE?!!!" but its not like I want to just pay for school or somethin and let her flounder; nah. My idea/unspoken offer is to reawaken her latent happiness, and hidden inner joy. La goes to work, one day out the week, school for four, and kicks it on her off nights. Now if she was about to go shopping shed just hit me and ask for whatever and it wuld be done. No questions no hastles. I know, I know: "but Sei, you live over here, and she's waaaaaaaay over there; that's no bueno; clearly I'd have to swap coasts; but as you know that's nothing for me. Neither is ensuring La's happiness. Contradictory; I'm aware, but as of now this idea is purely in the hypothetical stages, as well as the lack of stipulations and shit. That's the bare bones idea.
"Now how hard was that"
Not hard at all.
"So now what,"
Its out of our hands, almost totally.
"Think she'll read this?"
...
So anyway now that self has taken a backseat; its time to bring everything home. The koi pond and banzai tree are representitives of different ways I would have to treat my relationship with La in order for her to believe the words I'm saying to her. The meditation begets the understanding of her inner most thoughst. in the marathon, its not about what happens now; its about how we build on it together. I still believe that her and I are going to have a future together, I still believe in our marriage and procreation. I also believe that if she does come back then any other issues down the road, if any will be handled a much different way, than just silence and disassociation. Nothing would please me more than to hear her say the words: "ok, but lets just take it one day @ a time" I have no problems rebuilding our perfection together, as well as I lack the qualms involving doing whatever she requests of me. Its nothing of me to do for her, and she knows it. Its just a matter of how soon will she be ready to accept and welcome that feeling she once had; that 'hand me the world on a silver platter, it wouldn't even matter; because I ain't got nothing, if I can't have you" feeling back in her life. I have absolutely no issues with giving her everything and taking nothing from her. I will gladly return to my Lauren D. Sanders with no hesitaton and lack of any fear of anything. I want to take the leap with her...
Or in other words: she's got me goin in circles...oh oh oh 'round and 'round I go...
She is; the poem I cannot write, the story I can't complete. My muse and my vigor, everything to me, always will be...
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Fate's Cousin or (Insert Clever Title Here)
Welp, Ancient Mystical Scrolls of the Future; things seem to be going well with us; I've gotte answers to questions I've been asking for a while; and yes they were what I suspected. So, I am on the right track, in the right direction but there's an obstruction on the track, so its sloooowwwwwed down to a snails pace. Its cool, cause even a snail gets to where he's going eventually, he just has to be patient. Problem is, as cool as the snails pace is, I have the patience of a humming bird. I do want her to come back; but I don't want to rush anything, and I don't want her to feel that something is going to go awry...I know she wants that feeling back, and I know I can give it to her; but at this moment, she's afraid, dipped into her shell; and all I'm asking right now is that she takes my hand in full faith & flies with me to neverland; not the ranch, but where pete pan and the lost boys stay...I want nothing more than to see the smile back on the face; hear the melodious tone when she wakes up, the angellic chorus of laughter when we're watching something funny, and the soothing sounds of the snores before sleeping; alliteration aside; I want nothing more than the void that I have which is now bigger; to be fillled completely by her again. I offered her my hand in marriage before, but now I have offered up my soul, hopefully since she does see where our connection lies she will let me set up shop in her heart, and treat it like my own. Protect it like she desires; and fill her spirit with the same infinite joy and happiness she had before the confusion hit.
So, I've turned every which way but inside out trying to find some sort of solace and any type of explanation or direction as to what to do in this scenario, and so far; I've tossed a lot of people whom I thought were my friends to the wayside for the fact that they either didn't have any positive advice, or good advice to give; now, my friends offered me advice; and the closest ones gave me the real. Which is why I respect them more than anything. But even still I've faded into the shadows in my dealings with them; only a select few have been around through the saga so far. I've even distanced myself from my best friend, simply because he can't offer me any serious advice; and I'm honestly tired of hearing cry about the same thing over and over: "I need a girlfriend" but since he has a good woman sitting infront of him all the while he says this, I've given up on helping him with his situation. He's being stupid. Love him to death, but he's not turning 22 yet, he's turning 16 plus 6, ask me to explain, I might get on that in the next blog; I'm not sure yet. Ok anyway, so I've cut him out of my decision making and relationship discussions, because he's not even sure how he wants his love life to be set up, its funny because the jokes he makes about me and a few of the homies from the old hood actually show that he's jealous of us. My babe called me the last time I was up there when we were on our way to dave & busters, and he was simply laughing and making jokes, a very immature thing to do. Love him to death, but he's confused, and as much as me & J try to help him he can't seem to understand. Anyway, I'm digressing again. I love her and tonight, I think I read the most confusing words & statements when coupled with what I learned earlier in the week. Just to let you know, Students of the Craft; there is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for that girl. I know ,I know; I tend to exagerate a lot and use tons of hyperbole, but right now I'm so serious in what I'm saying there isn't much that could change my mind. The problem is isnce my mind is made up on joining the two forces in the universe that do belong and I'm insistant on returning our relationship prominance; I have to patiently wait for Kila to come around, now I've told her these exact statements on many different occasions; it just seems that at this particular moment she has a hard time coming to grips with what I'm saying. Eventhough straight from Kila's mouth she said she knows its right and that she knows we belong; I told her if she was afraid take my hand and I'll make sure everything is under control. What's funny is the way we were living before was two together, Lauren & Frank; but now I see that things were going the wrong way because we chose to let ourselves try and guide without the help of the other on either side. Neither one of us wants to do the other wrong, and neither one of us wants to see the other fail, but we do want total happiness and we both know the other has that for us. So what I do know is that when, yeah I said when we do get back; it won't be Lauren and Frank anymore it'll just be Frauren or Laurank or some other weird combination of our names that I don't feel like coming up with, but it will symbolize us as one being not two seperate entities. Dig? I know you do, that's why you're still reading, duh!
So like, its tough man, knowing there are things that are supposed to come about but I'm not one to rush; I'm a laid back person except with matters of my own heart and this is one of those time when I'm not sure if I want to push, because if I push too far it might fall; and that's something I don't want to happen. A quote:
"Perfection is something that is not achieved by one person, as much as they may try; perfection takes two, both of whom have to work equally as hard to see it through. It can only be achieved when both reach the Apex and decide there is something more to be discovered; that's when they hit the stride to perfection; because at that apex, all the world is in awe of how it looks, and are stuck in wonderment as to what could possibly come next. Jealousy is never too far behind, and will always play a part, but its when the jealousy starts overflowing into spite is when you know its achieved."
As of right now; I'm finished with this blog. My thoughts are the same, and la, I know you'll read this; there is no reason we should be apart right now, especially with what you know, and what we've been through thus far. We are support systems, besties not factored in; the things we had will be there, but the things we will have will dwarf them in comparisson all I ask of you; is to simply give me your hand and let us begin a new...
(Anybody else, feel free to comment with a second title, cause my brain is frazzled on it; as well as anything else you feel the need to say)
So, I've turned every which way but inside out trying to find some sort of solace and any type of explanation or direction as to what to do in this scenario, and so far; I've tossed a lot of people whom I thought were my friends to the wayside for the fact that they either didn't have any positive advice, or good advice to give; now, my friends offered me advice; and the closest ones gave me the real. Which is why I respect them more than anything. But even still I've faded into the shadows in my dealings with them; only a select few have been around through the saga so far. I've even distanced myself from my best friend, simply because he can't offer me any serious advice; and I'm honestly tired of hearing cry about the same thing over and over: "I need a girlfriend" but since he has a good woman sitting infront of him all the while he says this, I've given up on helping him with his situation. He's being stupid. Love him to death, but he's not turning 22 yet, he's turning 16 plus 6, ask me to explain, I might get on that in the next blog; I'm not sure yet. Ok anyway, so I've cut him out of my decision making and relationship discussions, because he's not even sure how he wants his love life to be set up, its funny because the jokes he makes about me and a few of the homies from the old hood actually show that he's jealous of us. My babe called me the last time I was up there when we were on our way to dave & busters, and he was simply laughing and making jokes, a very immature thing to do. Love him to death, but he's confused, and as much as me & J try to help him he can't seem to understand. Anyway, I'm digressing again. I love her and tonight, I think I read the most confusing words & statements when coupled with what I learned earlier in the week. Just to let you know, Students of the Craft; there is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for that girl. I know ,I know; I tend to exagerate a lot and use tons of hyperbole, but right now I'm so serious in what I'm saying there isn't much that could change my mind. The problem is isnce my mind is made up on joining the two forces in the universe that do belong and I'm insistant on returning our relationship prominance; I have to patiently wait for Kila to come around, now I've told her these exact statements on many different occasions; it just seems that at this particular moment she has a hard time coming to grips with what I'm saying. Eventhough straight from Kila's mouth she said she knows its right and that she knows we belong; I told her if she was afraid take my hand and I'll make sure everything is under control. What's funny is the way we were living before was two together, Lauren & Frank; but now I see that things were going the wrong way because we chose to let ourselves try and guide without the help of the other on either side. Neither one of us wants to do the other wrong, and neither one of us wants to see the other fail, but we do want total happiness and we both know the other has that for us. So what I do know is that when, yeah I said when we do get back; it won't be Lauren and Frank anymore it'll just be Frauren or Laurank or some other weird combination of our names that I don't feel like coming up with, but it will symbolize us as one being not two seperate entities. Dig? I know you do, that's why you're still reading, duh!
So like, its tough man, knowing there are things that are supposed to come about but I'm not one to rush; I'm a laid back person except with matters of my own heart and this is one of those time when I'm not sure if I want to push, because if I push too far it might fall; and that's something I don't want to happen. A quote:
"Perfection is something that is not achieved by one person, as much as they may try; perfection takes two, both of whom have to work equally as hard to see it through. It can only be achieved when both reach the Apex and decide there is something more to be discovered; that's when they hit the stride to perfection; because at that apex, all the world is in awe of how it looks, and are stuck in wonderment as to what could possibly come next. Jealousy is never too far behind, and will always play a part, but its when the jealousy starts overflowing into spite is when you know its achieved."
As of right now; I'm finished with this blog. My thoughts are the same, and la, I know you'll read this; there is no reason we should be apart right now, especially with what you know, and what we've been through thus far. We are support systems, besties not factored in; the things we had will be there, but the things we will have will dwarf them in comparisson all I ask of you; is to simply give me your hand and let us begin a new...
(Anybody else, feel free to comment with a second title, cause my brain is frazzled on it; as well as anything else you feel the need to say)
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Jackson Family Duet...
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I just had to let that out; im sorry for blinding friends and such; but it was a much needed release. Stay posted for a forthcoming Skickblog...
I love her; dude. Nothing can change that...
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Liquid Sodium & Soggy Pillows or Smiles & Cries
They tend to fall in this manner:
Swell...fall...roll...stop... ... ..drop
Swell..fall..roll..drop(x2)
...and then the stream begins to the point where its almost impossible to stop; like a slow drip from a faucet
The only thing that seems to slow it down, or stop it, is Dreamland, which becomes some what of an escape to the normal reality that is confusion and a blur; Dreamland is an automated response; it takes me back to happier times, almost like I'm a jumper, and I can see when I want to be; not where. Shall I explain? If you say yes, I got an open seat in this '85 DeLurean. If you say no; just shut up and ride anyway.
So, you would think, when one would mention time traveling; he would be speaking about a specific time in which he went and spent it with Lauren, in most cases, you'd be right; but in this particular case, I would actually have to change how you see it. There were things waaaay prior to the trips out that made me say; 'oh, yeah; I want to be with her' now on one of those occasions, it was her senior year; and I was kickin it in florida. We talked on the regular, and we even had a discussion about me becoming a prom date, but she was set on not going; which was cool. We spent countless nights on the phone, talking about odds and ends, homework and projects and such, not once spinning into a serious argument. So, saturday of senior week comes around, and she heads up to six flags; we had a discussion about me waiting for her to get home safe, and that the time zone would make it a bit harder for me to stay up and wait easily, because she was going to be in so late. I kept telling her I did not care. Welp, she goes, has a great time; and low and behold I'm up alllllll night, chillin sleepy as hell waiting; and 10am my time ticks in, and faithful as the day is long, a message from Lauren; 'I'm home safely, thank you for waiting; go to sleep now baby.' I told her I loved her and hit the sheets with a large smile on my face. Happy times. Tick tock, the days pass and many conversations are born we discuss a wiiiide range of topics from darfur to presidency to astro-physics to entertainment; laughing at the celebreality on vh1 and such. Another moment happens where she steps out with her best friend, and I say; I'm going to stay up and wait for you; repeat cycle from before. so, I get this cell phone, pre-paid; and I get the free nights and weekends; I would spend 8hrs a day m-th on the phone with La, because 11-7 is the freebie time, and I didn't have a headset to talk at work; so we would talk for hours on end, and so, @ 15 cents a min measured for about 4hrs is expensive, i would end up recharging the minutes to get to the weekend so when friday @ 9 rolled around, I could talk until monday morning @ 7 uninterruptedly and with no worries about disconnect due to low monies. So we sat one day and discussed our phone time:
"La: So I went to the tmo store today to pay my bill.
S: Right, right, how much was it? Do you need anything?
La: Nah, I'm good, but this is the thing; dude behind the counter had me rollin
S: How so?
La: He says; 'you have a 1000 minute myfaves plan, right; but you spend 9000 minutes on the phone with 'baby' '
S: Lmao, was he jealous?
La: I asked him, I said; 'what? Is that a problem? Are you jealous or something?' Dude said he wasn't, he just never seen so many minutes spent on one number before on anybody's bill
S: Psh; that nigga is jealous that he don't get to talk to you for 9,000 minutes a month."
We had an awesome laugh at that, simply because myfaves + free nights and weekends = unlimited talk time <3. So, tick tick and the different random convos keep flowing, about random old ladies who can't drive on the I-10 to stupid hoodrat bitches who wanted to be keyshia cole with their fucked up skittles colored hairstyles to the ever confining and rather annoying pressure being put on by our respective mothers at different times; leading us to believe they were secretly in cahoots with dolling out random shit for us to do. Surprise gifts were exchanged; I'll still never forget the phone call around vday 07; "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG; thannnnk youuuuu babyyyyyy, I loveeeeeee it" you're welcome sweetie, happy v-day, I love you. "*squeeze hand* 'I love you!' awwwww I'm gonna cry again, lisa is so jealous; lol" I bet she is, do you like it for real? "I love it!! Its hello kitty; and its got the purple outfit, and aww look at the birth certificate, her name is 'Peppy'; thank you sweetie; that was so sweet of you!!" it was nothing baby, I love you; I'll do anything for you.' That was quite possibly the best phone call I ever received in my life.
Boy, this time travel stuff shole is fun; (let me remind you this isn't in 100% chronological order tho; the memories are the same; just not in this exact order)
And to think; we haven't even seen each other; and we shared these unparalelled moments of joy between us like we were living around the corner; a quick poem for my memory:
The grains of sand
On all the beaches
Spanning all the land
Wouldn't come 63k inches
Of touching our hands...
...it Reaches
I wrote that on a spur; one night when I was sitting @ home, missing my la, hoping she would read it, and know that even though I was 3,000 miles away, across the country; I was one phone call away for anything. That thought hasn't changed; my sentiments haven't changed; my feelings haven't changed. I still will do anything for my La. I'm one call away; and now I can take the flights on a whim.
So, hopefully the smiles and memories brightened your day; cause they damn sure helped me a little bit.
But I do have to make use on my word; the cries are what deprive me of my sleep at night; and they wake me in the morning; my tear soaked pillow is my best friend right now; I hold conversations with other people, but at the end of the day, only my pillow hears everything that La won't let me tell her. The blog doesn't even know the things that the pillow does, and I'm feenin to tell my heart what the pillow knows, but I can't get the time to express it to her. She doesn't know the pains I go through; she won't let me express the deep sadness I suffer through at night. She can't see how bad she's hurting me by not even giving me an outside look...its like this; the pain I have in my body and the way my soul and heart cry out for her can not be matched by anything physical; or at least anything I could inflict upon myself that would leave me alive. Last night, I had to fight with myself to stop from breaking down into a total sobby mess while I was at work. I have to fight with it every day, but something just grabbed a hold of what's left and twisted with a force not seen since bruce banner transformed out of anger. there is a hole in the wall at the head of my bead where I lay every night, simply because one day I was consumed by anger and sadness and a teary outlet wasn't enough and I just let the anger burst outward, as the tears were flowing. Its no feasable way for me to explain the pain that I have; but I can say this for a sort of bright spot, I still have the unmeasurable amount of love and care for her, the insurmountable feelings for her, the uncanny need to have her in my life; and as much as I observe on the other side, her myspace page; the aim aways; and other small things. My heart still yearns. Never will I leave her; we're destined, its written in a blog, if not I'll explain in the next one. but I do believe that she feels the same way; but it would just take time for her heart to come back around. I don't want her to be hurt, I don't want her to be in pain, I don't want her upset, I want nothing but a consistant smile on her face. The happiness to radiate from inside her soul to the outter reaches of her room, car and by extent her family. I want nothing more than the glow to come back to Lauren. I would love for nothing more than to give it back. In my heart, I know, in my soul, I know, with my body I feel it; we're supposed to be one. the stopping factor in the truth is the confusion. I am prepared to do anything she asks of me to bring it all back and to be with her; I told her the story of when I do get my tattoo; and I meant every word. Its almost as if she is forcing herself not to believe me when I say; there is nothing I won't do to be with her. I would ask for another chance, but a 'chance' would imply that at some point something would go wrong again and it would have to be fixed. I don't want another chance. I want to offer her my vow; a declaration from me to her; an honor bound promise from me to her...if she does read this I hope she knows I'm waiting to offer...not a chance; because I'm not one who takes a liking to chances...
For my KiLaDiSa; you know where I am, and you won't give me the moment to get to a good convo w/ you. You know something important is coming.
The rest of you? Fuck off
Swell...fall...roll...stop... ... ..drop
Swell..fall..roll..drop(x2)
...and then the stream begins to the point where its almost impossible to stop; like a slow drip from a faucet
The only thing that seems to slow it down, or stop it, is Dreamland, which becomes some what of an escape to the normal reality that is confusion and a blur; Dreamland is an automated response; it takes me back to happier times, almost like I'm a jumper, and I can see when I want to be; not where. Shall I explain? If you say yes, I got an open seat in this '85 DeLurean. If you say no; just shut up and ride anyway.
So, you would think, when one would mention time traveling; he would be speaking about a specific time in which he went and spent it with Lauren, in most cases, you'd be right; but in this particular case, I would actually have to change how you see it. There were things waaaay prior to the trips out that made me say; 'oh, yeah; I want to be with her' now on one of those occasions, it was her senior year; and I was kickin it in florida. We talked on the regular, and we even had a discussion about me becoming a prom date, but she was set on not going; which was cool. We spent countless nights on the phone, talking about odds and ends, homework and projects and such, not once spinning into a serious argument. So, saturday of senior week comes around, and she heads up to six flags; we had a discussion about me waiting for her to get home safe, and that the time zone would make it a bit harder for me to stay up and wait easily, because she was going to be in so late. I kept telling her I did not care. Welp, she goes, has a great time; and low and behold I'm up alllllll night, chillin sleepy as hell waiting; and 10am my time ticks in, and faithful as the day is long, a message from Lauren; 'I'm home safely, thank you for waiting; go to sleep now baby.' I told her I loved her and hit the sheets with a large smile on my face. Happy times. Tick tock, the days pass and many conversations are born we discuss a wiiiide range of topics from darfur to presidency to astro-physics to entertainment; laughing at the celebreality on vh1 and such. Another moment happens where she steps out with her best friend, and I say; I'm going to stay up and wait for you; repeat cycle from before. so, I get this cell phone, pre-paid; and I get the free nights and weekends; I would spend 8hrs a day m-th on the phone with La, because 11-7 is the freebie time, and I didn't have a headset to talk at work; so we would talk for hours on end, and so, @ 15 cents a min measured for about 4hrs is expensive, i would end up recharging the minutes to get to the weekend so when friday @ 9 rolled around, I could talk until monday morning @ 7 uninterruptedly and with no worries about disconnect due to low monies. So we sat one day and discussed our phone time:
"La: So I went to the tmo store today to pay my bill.
S: Right, right, how much was it? Do you need anything?
La: Nah, I'm good, but this is the thing; dude behind the counter had me rollin
S: How so?
La: He says; 'you have a 1000 minute myfaves plan, right; but you spend 9000 minutes on the phone with 'baby' '
S: Lmao, was he jealous?
La: I asked him, I said; 'what? Is that a problem? Are you jealous or something?' Dude said he wasn't, he just never seen so many minutes spent on one number before on anybody's bill
S: Psh; that nigga is jealous that he don't get to talk to you for 9,000 minutes a month."
We had an awesome laugh at that, simply because myfaves + free nights and weekends = unlimited talk time <3. So, tick tick and the different random convos keep flowing, about random old ladies who can't drive on the I-10 to stupid hoodrat bitches who wanted to be keyshia cole with their fucked up skittles colored hairstyles to the ever confining and rather annoying pressure being put on by our respective mothers at different times; leading us to believe they were secretly in cahoots with dolling out random shit for us to do. Surprise gifts were exchanged; I'll still never forget the phone call around vday 07; "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG; thannnnk youuuuu babyyyyyy, I loveeeeeee it" you're welcome sweetie, happy v-day, I love you. "*squeeze hand* 'I love you!' awwwww I'm gonna cry again, lisa is so jealous; lol" I bet she is, do you like it for real? "I love it!! Its hello kitty; and its got the purple outfit, and aww look at the birth certificate, her name is 'Peppy'; thank you sweetie; that was so sweet of you!!" it was nothing baby, I love you; I'll do anything for you.' That was quite possibly the best phone call I ever received in my life.
Boy, this time travel stuff shole is fun; (let me remind you this isn't in 100% chronological order tho; the memories are the same; just not in this exact order)
And to think; we haven't even seen each other; and we shared these unparalelled moments of joy between us like we were living around the corner; a quick poem for my memory:
The grains of sand
On all the beaches
Spanning all the land
Wouldn't come 63k inches
Of touching our hands...
...it Reaches
I wrote that on a spur; one night when I was sitting @ home, missing my la, hoping she would read it, and know that even though I was 3,000 miles away, across the country; I was one phone call away for anything. That thought hasn't changed; my sentiments haven't changed; my feelings haven't changed. I still will do anything for my La. I'm one call away; and now I can take the flights on a whim.
So, hopefully the smiles and memories brightened your day; cause they damn sure helped me a little bit.
But I do have to make use on my word; the cries are what deprive me of my sleep at night; and they wake me in the morning; my tear soaked pillow is my best friend right now; I hold conversations with other people, but at the end of the day, only my pillow hears everything that La won't let me tell her. The blog doesn't even know the things that the pillow does, and I'm feenin to tell my heart what the pillow knows, but I can't get the time to express it to her. She doesn't know the pains I go through; she won't let me express the deep sadness I suffer through at night. She can't see how bad she's hurting me by not even giving me an outside look...its like this; the pain I have in my body and the way my soul and heart cry out for her can not be matched by anything physical; or at least anything I could inflict upon myself that would leave me alive. Last night, I had to fight with myself to stop from breaking down into a total sobby mess while I was at work. I have to fight with it every day, but something just grabbed a hold of what's left and twisted with a force not seen since bruce banner transformed out of anger. there is a hole in the wall at the head of my bead where I lay every night, simply because one day I was consumed by anger and sadness and a teary outlet wasn't enough and I just let the anger burst outward, as the tears were flowing. Its no feasable way for me to explain the pain that I have; but I can say this for a sort of bright spot, I still have the unmeasurable amount of love and care for her, the insurmountable feelings for her, the uncanny need to have her in my life; and as much as I observe on the other side, her myspace page; the aim aways; and other small things. My heart still yearns. Never will I leave her; we're destined, its written in a blog, if not I'll explain in the next one. but I do believe that she feels the same way; but it would just take time for her heart to come back around. I don't want her to be hurt, I don't want her to be in pain, I don't want her upset, I want nothing but a consistant smile on her face. The happiness to radiate from inside her soul to the outter reaches of her room, car and by extent her family. I want nothing more than the glow to come back to Lauren. I would love for nothing more than to give it back. In my heart, I know, in my soul, I know, with my body I feel it; we're supposed to be one. the stopping factor in the truth is the confusion. I am prepared to do anything she asks of me to bring it all back and to be with her; I told her the story of when I do get my tattoo; and I meant every word. Its almost as if she is forcing herself not to believe me when I say; there is nothing I won't do to be with her. I would ask for another chance, but a 'chance' would imply that at some point something would go wrong again and it would have to be fixed. I don't want another chance. I want to offer her my vow; a declaration from me to her; an honor bound promise from me to her...if she does read this I hope she knows I'm waiting to offer...not a chance; because I'm not one who takes a liking to chances...
For my KiLaDiSa; you know where I am, and you won't give me the moment to get to a good convo w/ you. You know something important is coming.
The rest of you? Fuck off
Thursday, August 28, 2008
Opening my Third Eye or The Meeting of My Minds
So like, as its well documented in hiphop; cassidy & t.I. both battled themselves, which is pretty cool and it takes a skilled person to have a conversation with oneself; just ask Za, or read my other blog. Now lets be real here; as skilled as you must be to hold a conversation with just yourself; there has to be a certain level of crazy to attempt such a feat and not look like a fool. Which leads me to my next point; nobody has ever taken the time out to try and have a triple conversation with themselves; at least not to my recollection. So, I'm going to assume you have to be half-crazy, a li'l schitzo and a borderline genius to do such things. So anyway without futher ado; the meeting of the minds, Zat & Ronin meet Sensei. Sensei; Zat & Ronin. This should be a really good read...(if done properly)
(All letters are simple to understand; we know who each is.)
"S: hello, gentlemen; I'm glad that you could make it.
Z: no big; I wasn't busy; the comic will be there
R: yup yup.
S: well, lets get the formalities out of the way; Zat I'm sure you're aware of why your here
Z: yes, we've been in a jam before, and I'm always willing to help things go a lot smoother.
S: Ronin; since this is your first time here; I'll explain the formalities; usually I call a meeting of this nature with Zat just so I can get a second opinion or a different view on things; but things have gotten dire in my situation so, I need a third opinion.
R: I understand; I'm honored you contacted me for the meeting; I've been wondering when you were going to have it; you've been stressed the fuck out these last few days.
S: yeah man, its been rough...
Z: so, Sei; what's on your mind; what's goings on with you?
S: welp; to start, this job is gettin on my last fuckin nerve and I can't just leave, because I need the money. I mean you know dan's been pushin me for this Primerica shit; but I'm not feeling it just yet
R: man, look I don't trust that primerica shit; it takes too long to get started. Yeah the money is good but the sacrifice in the beginning is too much for my taste.
Z: yeah, but you can roll with it and keep a steady income or paycheck at the same time; and when the cash flows bounce out the job
S: fuck all that, I'm no fuckin with it until I can afford failure.
R: or you could take the risk, he is offering you a great reward in the long run
S: too many unknowns; yall both know I like to be sure the cash flow is comin
Z: you're right; but keep an eye on it, you've known that dude since yall were like 6; second family and all, he knows his financials; just keep an eye on it.
S: I'm well aware; that's why I haven't given up on the whole thing yet.
Z: clearly you had that already figured out before we even sat down at the triangluar table; what's really goin on kid?
R: and don't tell me its some shit due to lack of fun; or I wouldn't be here at all.
S: well, it goes like this; I think, I've kept my personal shell & guard up so long that I've become isolated and alone in the world.
R: I told you to stop with the shell shock shit; it always comes up
S: yeah, I know but its my nature, celestially; you know I'm a believer of the star characteristics of a person
Z: dude that's not the point. You've talked to me about this 'shell' nonsense once before, and I told you something along these lines would happen
S: I know
Z: apparently you didn't
R: if you did you would have listened the first time; and then the time we spoke on it.
S: I tried to take care of the situations myself never asking for help; trying to take on all problems from myself, and helping the burdens of others like atlas
R: and that's why your shell is caving and it seems that all the world is turning its back
Z: when help everyone, but won't go anywhere when you need it the most; will tear your trust psyche apart; and what ends up happening is...
S: ...the closest people get pushed away, because they feel that you can't trust them with anything.
R: you already knew...
S: yeah, it happened before; close friends, I never told them my issues and they just stopped talking to me, or I did something to disrespect our friendship, and had to end up rebuilding; almost from scratch.
Z: see what happens when you want to be alone?
S: I don't want to be alone; I long each day for the feeling of love and to be with someone
R: you have that...
S: ...had as of right now
R: come again?
S: I'll explain in a min.
R: ...alright, but anyway you had that and what did you do?
S: I was afraid; stone scared to believe it was really there
Z: Grandma Syndrome?
S: yes.
R: dude...we both told you to drop that a long time ago. Back before you even graduated...
Z: that was 10th grade; nothing is going to change that anymore; you keep the guard you'll never realize something fuckin spectacular when it comes along and stares you in the eyes.
S: I know...I just...its..I've never really had anyone to sit and just let it all out too, I was worried that it might scare them away from me, even at grief counsling. Which I went to because I couldn't talk to moms.
R: Lauren loves you; did you ever talk to her about it?
S: I tried; but I couldn't bring myself to put a burden like that on her heart and mind.
R: boy; that girl loves you with everything she has. Why would you keep something of that nature and importance away?
S: fear? Doubt? Regret? Idk worry, maybe. Iono what it was that was hindering; but its gone now.
Z: how do you know for sure?
S: its simple; I play hard on the exterior and everyone can see the bullshit that I put up as a deterant or shield or whatever; but with her its like my bullshit shield is nulla and void, and she can see clean through it, like it doesn't exist. Which is a big attraction point; because through the bullshit w/ everybody else I can't be myself how I want; but with her its like, I can let the geek/nerd muscles free and just be smart, and nerdy and enjoy the simplest things. When I accepted that, I gave her my heart. And I told her she had it, which meant to me that she was my world and I lived for her from that moment on. This was back in '06 right when I moved to fla. We grew closer together; had a few spats; but I never felt the need to keep a hardened hart around her, which left me vulnerable. I never intended for either of us to get hurt, or have something happen, I can't get over the thought that she's going to be my wife and the mother of my kids.
R: that wasn't simple, nigga
S: df up; in other words: I gave her my all, and I became open to my feelings again.
Z: couldn't have
S: I was..
Z: no, you weren't because if you were truely open, this whole situation wouldn't be happening.
S: maybe you're right
R: ain't no maybe nigga; he is and you know it. You can only keep telling yourself your giving your all, and holding even just the smallest amount back, and expect the small amnt not to get to you, or for her to figure it out. That's where the showing of the flashes of greatness came from; she could tell there was something missing.
S: you know better than me, that I'm not a vocally affectionate person
Z: so you use what your best at; problem solving, creativity and solution oriented thinking to give her reasons to understand you or even bear with you until you do switch coasts. Don't say you're going to do one thing, keep at it, and then slip into an old habit just out of insecureties. She's your ... she's there to help you through tough shit like that, if anything tell her the insecureties and deal with them together, turn them into secureties.
S: yeah your right...
R: no shit; he's blind, he doesn't have time to see things at face value, he is the deeper meaning.
S: and your the lone wolf, why do you have such insight
R: its simple, I chose to be the lone wolf, so its easier for me to understand both sides and help figure out solutions.
S: ok, so where were you before?
R; here the whole time.
S: yeah...
R: you just never made it a point to ask anybody for help, and now your stuck on the ledge w/ very little margine for error. She knows you love her, she knows you care about her; I can't speak for her, but one can only hope that the talks of you two getting married still linger in her mind. The love and affection is still there, she's not doing wrong by you, and you still have the phone. Your not out of her life. Its just something that's confusing for us to understand because of the weight of the relationship and the situationals behind it all.
Z: you know damn well, when we're on nothing can compare to the love that we share. and there's nothing that I can think of that's going to just force her to break her promises to you. Yall are young; whole lives ahead of you, what's one mth apart if you both want to get back together.
S: as much as I love her? One month is an eternity. Every moment with her felt like time stood still for us, and that everything was centered. Without her, things have slowly crumbled around me.
Z: dude. You're not listening right now; peep, the situation stands that she's not with you, not out of spite, but for ease of explanation, so chillax. You know your both wanting to get back, you both long for it, put the guard down, and relax. The whole damn family loves you --
R: the ones who matter
Z: -- yeah the ones who matter, the members of your family whom she knows and talked to love her; your friends have told you that the couple is perfect, and you've relayed the message. Stop thinking so damn hard.
S: yeah, I dig you on all of that, but to me, I'd give up EVERYTHING right now just to have her back in my life.
R: everything, like...?
S: dude everything, my life as it stands here, I'd abandon my family, my friends, my job, all of it, poof. Just to have her back. She was my happiness, and without her; I could be surrounded by everything and it wouldn't matter. You don't realize it do you?
R: dude don't give us that; your comic story line is based loosely off of your relationship with her. You sit and compare the relationship to tv couples because you have moments that remind you of yall when watching...I know
S: ok then I don't need to go on.
Z: nope. What we can do now, is throw our last phase into action, and just wait patiently. Agreed?
S & R: Agreed.
Z: so, anything else?
S: welp, I'm enjoying the freedom of the house with jim, a little peeved that I usually have to clean everything, but that's cool
R: it happens, it'll be aight.
S: yeah I know.
R: I liked that change blog, too dude
Z: yeah man shit was very well put together
S: thx, I've been overdue for blogging anyway. So much on my mind.
Z: yeah dude, I believe you and she's your future, its just going to take a second to get back to where you where.
R: have you talked to her yet?
S: been wanting to; but I can't force her, all I can do is ask.
R: this is true, too much pressure will bust the pipes;
Z: just chill the hell out. How was the weekend
S: weekend was fuckin awesome. Chilled with the boy got fat and relaxed. It was almost like a mini vacation from everything.
Z: so your glad you went?
S: yes, it was a weekend well spent; and I even found a faster ride up now that I ran back into adam.
R: good money.
S: very. But now I'm back to the daily grind, and I really don't have much else to say...I'm just glad I could get your help.
R: who knows you better than you?
S: yeah, I guess your right, I mean shit, where is the advice-giver supposed to go when he needs help and doesn't have his own mother to turn to? Introspective!!
Z: shutup nigga; if you weren't borderline crazy this would NOT have worked.
S: whatever, I ain't crazy; just an only child, develpmental stages were a bit different.
R: yeah whatever, you spoke to yourself as three different entities just to work out a problem.
Z: which did work
S: who else was I to turn to?
R & Z :anybody?
S: certain people give shitty advice, especially when they turn to me most of the time anyway.
Z: I'm aware, the best advice I can give you is to just chill, things will work out.
S: never will I give up; thx for the time gentlemens.
Z & R: anytime bro."
So like...its totally not hard for me to do something like that, but I do know where my friends lie and I appreciate those who have helped me, the rest of you are worthless fucks. I'll be around, but not for anything important.
(All letters are simple to understand; we know who each is.)
"S: hello, gentlemen; I'm glad that you could make it.
Z: no big; I wasn't busy; the comic will be there
R: yup yup.
S: well, lets get the formalities out of the way; Zat I'm sure you're aware of why your here
Z: yes, we've been in a jam before, and I'm always willing to help things go a lot smoother.
S: Ronin; since this is your first time here; I'll explain the formalities; usually I call a meeting of this nature with Zat just so I can get a second opinion or a different view on things; but things have gotten dire in my situation so, I need a third opinion.
R: I understand; I'm honored you contacted me for the meeting; I've been wondering when you were going to have it; you've been stressed the fuck out these last few days.
S: yeah man, its been rough...
Z: so, Sei; what's on your mind; what's goings on with you?
S: welp; to start, this job is gettin on my last fuckin nerve and I can't just leave, because I need the money. I mean you know dan's been pushin me for this Primerica shit; but I'm not feeling it just yet
R: man, look I don't trust that primerica shit; it takes too long to get started. Yeah the money is good but the sacrifice in the beginning is too much for my taste.
Z: yeah, but you can roll with it and keep a steady income or paycheck at the same time; and when the cash flows bounce out the job
S: fuck all that, I'm no fuckin with it until I can afford failure.
R: or you could take the risk, he is offering you a great reward in the long run
S: too many unknowns; yall both know I like to be sure the cash flow is comin
Z: you're right; but keep an eye on it, you've known that dude since yall were like 6; second family and all, he knows his financials; just keep an eye on it.
S: I'm well aware; that's why I haven't given up on the whole thing yet.
Z: clearly you had that already figured out before we even sat down at the triangluar table; what's really goin on kid?
R: and don't tell me its some shit due to lack of fun; or I wouldn't be here at all.
S: well, it goes like this; I think, I've kept my personal shell & guard up so long that I've become isolated and alone in the world.
R: I told you to stop with the shell shock shit; it always comes up
S: yeah, I know but its my nature, celestially; you know I'm a believer of the star characteristics of a person
Z: dude that's not the point. You've talked to me about this 'shell' nonsense once before, and I told you something along these lines would happen
S: I know
Z: apparently you didn't
R: if you did you would have listened the first time; and then the time we spoke on it.
S: I tried to take care of the situations myself never asking for help; trying to take on all problems from myself, and helping the burdens of others like atlas
R: and that's why your shell is caving and it seems that all the world is turning its back
Z: when help everyone, but won't go anywhere when you need it the most; will tear your trust psyche apart; and what ends up happening is...
S: ...the closest people get pushed away, because they feel that you can't trust them with anything.
R: you already knew...
S: yeah, it happened before; close friends, I never told them my issues and they just stopped talking to me, or I did something to disrespect our friendship, and had to end up rebuilding; almost from scratch.
Z: see what happens when you want to be alone?
S: I don't want to be alone; I long each day for the feeling of love and to be with someone
R: you have that...
S: ...had as of right now
R: come again?
S: I'll explain in a min.
R: ...alright, but anyway you had that and what did you do?
S: I was afraid; stone scared to believe it was really there
Z: Grandma Syndrome?
S: yes.
R: dude...we both told you to drop that a long time ago. Back before you even graduated...
Z: that was 10th grade; nothing is going to change that anymore; you keep the guard you'll never realize something fuckin spectacular when it comes along and stares you in the eyes.
S: I know...I just...its..I've never really had anyone to sit and just let it all out too, I was worried that it might scare them away from me, even at grief counsling. Which I went to because I couldn't talk to moms.
R: Lauren loves you; did you ever talk to her about it?
S: I tried; but I couldn't bring myself to put a burden like that on her heart and mind.
R: boy; that girl loves you with everything she has. Why would you keep something of that nature and importance away?
S: fear? Doubt? Regret? Idk worry, maybe. Iono what it was that was hindering; but its gone now.
Z: how do you know for sure?
S: its simple; I play hard on the exterior and everyone can see the bullshit that I put up as a deterant or shield or whatever; but with her its like my bullshit shield is nulla and void, and she can see clean through it, like it doesn't exist. Which is a big attraction point; because through the bullshit w/ everybody else I can't be myself how I want; but with her its like, I can let the geek/nerd muscles free and just be smart, and nerdy and enjoy the simplest things. When I accepted that, I gave her my heart. And I told her she had it, which meant to me that she was my world and I lived for her from that moment on. This was back in '06 right when I moved to fla. We grew closer together; had a few spats; but I never felt the need to keep a hardened hart around her, which left me vulnerable. I never intended for either of us to get hurt, or have something happen, I can't get over the thought that she's going to be my wife and the mother of my kids.
R: that wasn't simple, nigga
S: df up; in other words: I gave her my all, and I became open to my feelings again.
Z: couldn't have
S: I was..
Z: no, you weren't because if you were truely open, this whole situation wouldn't be happening.
S: maybe you're right
R: ain't no maybe nigga; he is and you know it. You can only keep telling yourself your giving your all, and holding even just the smallest amount back, and expect the small amnt not to get to you, or for her to figure it out. That's where the showing of the flashes of greatness came from; she could tell there was something missing.
S: you know better than me, that I'm not a vocally affectionate person
Z: so you use what your best at; problem solving, creativity and solution oriented thinking to give her reasons to understand you or even bear with you until you do switch coasts. Don't say you're going to do one thing, keep at it, and then slip into an old habit just out of insecureties. She's your ... she's there to help you through tough shit like that, if anything tell her the insecureties and deal with them together, turn them into secureties.
S: yeah your right...
R: no shit; he's blind, he doesn't have time to see things at face value, he is the deeper meaning.
S: and your the lone wolf, why do you have such insight
R: its simple, I chose to be the lone wolf, so its easier for me to understand both sides and help figure out solutions.
S: ok, so where were you before?
R; here the whole time.
S: yeah...
R: you just never made it a point to ask anybody for help, and now your stuck on the ledge w/ very little margine for error. She knows you love her, she knows you care about her; I can't speak for her, but one can only hope that the talks of you two getting married still linger in her mind. The love and affection is still there, she's not doing wrong by you, and you still have the phone. Your not out of her life. Its just something that's confusing for us to understand because of the weight of the relationship and the situationals behind it all.
Z: you know damn well, when we're on nothing can compare to the love that we share. and there's nothing that I can think of that's going to just force her to break her promises to you. Yall are young; whole lives ahead of you, what's one mth apart if you both want to get back together.
S: as much as I love her? One month is an eternity. Every moment with her felt like time stood still for us, and that everything was centered. Without her, things have slowly crumbled around me.
Z: dude. You're not listening right now; peep, the situation stands that she's not with you, not out of spite, but for ease of explanation, so chillax. You know your both wanting to get back, you both long for it, put the guard down, and relax. The whole damn family loves you --
R: the ones who matter
Z: -- yeah the ones who matter, the members of your family whom she knows and talked to love her; your friends have told you that the couple is perfect, and you've relayed the message. Stop thinking so damn hard.
S: yeah, I dig you on all of that, but to me, I'd give up EVERYTHING right now just to have her back in my life.
R: everything, like...?
S: dude everything, my life as it stands here, I'd abandon my family, my friends, my job, all of it, poof. Just to have her back. She was my happiness, and without her; I could be surrounded by everything and it wouldn't matter. You don't realize it do you?
R: dude don't give us that; your comic story line is based loosely off of your relationship with her. You sit and compare the relationship to tv couples because you have moments that remind you of yall when watching...I know
S: ok then I don't need to go on.
Z: nope. What we can do now, is throw our last phase into action, and just wait patiently. Agreed?
S & R: Agreed.
Z: so, anything else?
S: welp, I'm enjoying the freedom of the house with jim, a little peeved that I usually have to clean everything, but that's cool
R: it happens, it'll be aight.
S: yeah I know.
R: I liked that change blog, too dude
Z: yeah man shit was very well put together
S: thx, I've been overdue for blogging anyway. So much on my mind.
Z: yeah dude, I believe you and she's your future, its just going to take a second to get back to where you where.
R: have you talked to her yet?
S: been wanting to; but I can't force her, all I can do is ask.
R: this is true, too much pressure will bust the pipes;
Z: just chill the hell out. How was the weekend
S: weekend was fuckin awesome. Chilled with the boy got fat and relaxed. It was almost like a mini vacation from everything.
Z: so your glad you went?
S: yes, it was a weekend well spent; and I even found a faster ride up now that I ran back into adam.
R: good money.
S: very. But now I'm back to the daily grind, and I really don't have much else to say...I'm just glad I could get your help.
R: who knows you better than you?
S: yeah, I guess your right, I mean shit, where is the advice-giver supposed to go when he needs help and doesn't have his own mother to turn to? Introspective!!
Z: shutup nigga; if you weren't borderline crazy this would NOT have worked.
S: whatever, I ain't crazy; just an only child, develpmental stages were a bit different.
R: yeah whatever, you spoke to yourself as three different entities just to work out a problem.
Z: which did work
S: who else was I to turn to?
R & Z :anybody?
S: certain people give shitty advice, especially when they turn to me most of the time anyway.
Z: I'm aware, the best advice I can give you is to just chill, things will work out.
S: never will I give up; thx for the time gentlemens.
Z & R: anytime bro."
So like...its totally not hard for me to do something like that, but I do know where my friends lie and I appreciate those who have helped me, the rest of you are worthless fucks. I'll be around, but not for anything important.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Hari-Kiri or Slow Death by Music or The Worst Pain is Self-Inflicted
Wow, Sensei; you have a triple title this time? Wtf is really goings on? Can we help? Sorry students, this is something Sensei & his ... must work out on their own; interestingly tho; his ... can't seem to be alone. Its not that Sensei can't deal with the problems; but its that usually when he's having problems he would go to his ... and she might not know the problem, but it will give him a release so that he didn't have to swim as deep in his own thoughts; escape from the problem only to return with a perfect solution. Its just at this moment the problem, I guess you can call it resides deep in his own self-reliance and aura. I took a look in the mirror the other day, and what I saw wasn't pretty; well uglier than normal. Kid's face was rather long; aura on the outside looked as if the storm of the century was brewing; eyes more dull than a mud-caked pair of shoes; the last hint of hope clinging to the back of the spirit with all its might; the faintest winds could blow and end it all. Some days the face brightens, some days the hope pulls itself up to bicep level and is relaxed with both arms; the aura is a shimmering off-white, and other days its almost as if the Dementors from the prisons of Azkaban have came and gotten a hold of me. I know, I know that's some dark shit to think and ponder; and you might not even get the gist of what I'm saying yet. So, here, put these on, fresh pair of Sensei's and take a short road trip:
As a person, I found that I was delightfully entertained by music at a young age; which every little kid is, but when I was like 10+ I started to listen to classic music by great artists such as The Isley Brothers; Anita Baker; The Commodores; Smokey Robinson & The Miracle; Patti LaBelle, et cetra. So since that was the soundtrack to my formative years, and I couldn't sing, I became more in tune with poetic expression or just expressing personal feelings through outlets of words and music. So I became a what I like to call a musicologist, which is the practical application of music to daily life & thought processes. So, I've always been a firm believer of the 'softer' side of life, yanno love, happiness, soul mates joy pleasure yadda...welp, I always took the time out to turn to music when I need something; usually as a beginning outlet so I can express myself through words, wether is writing a poem or escaping into a second reality w/ a short story or fiction work. On the flip side I would apply songs to the same sense of my happiness and greater good moods, partying w/ house music; emersion in jazz and lyrical raps. And the expression of my feelings through the usage of different artists expressions. in other words; when a song plays; I throw myself at the mercy of the bars and lyrics. So it hasn't been an easy ride on the coaster of life, being that my favorite genre is r&b and I stand at the corner of senitivity and emotion on a daily basis.
Which in turn explains why I broke my first iPod, deleted my entire r&b mp3's before and destroyed two very well put together r&b mix cd's. Its all well and good because there was a turning point; something special hit in june of 06 and actually start reconsidering how I took the application of songs; special moment it was in aug of 06 when I realized I was right and I could listen to 'overjoyed' by stevie wonder and know exactly what he was talking about. Its a good feeling to have...fast forward, and right now it seems that the thrill is gone, and the sunshine has left right along with her. To be honest; I'm goin down cause she's not around and my whole world is upside down, its like while these 336hrs and counting pass, its like I'm going in circles; and there's something in my heart that has me hooked on her; I need her bad like the air I breath but I can't seem to get past being the exfactor right now; and even though she knows noone loves me more than her, she can't seem to understand that I care for her more than she can ever seem to grasp. Between the two of us; its going to take some understanding, and I promise that I'll stay true, to the point that every little step I take is for her; I can't leave her alone, for reasons beyond my comprehension I'm feenin for her love. And she already should know by now that I'll never make a promise that I can't keep, and being that the hope is she'll read this, I'm prepared to start back at one.
Say what you want about Sensei going soft, but I disagree; usually its an outsider who hasn't been in the same predicament or hasn't felt the same way that I have who seems to have an underlying comment about our situation and that I'm wrong for keeping hope for the two of us. If you've ever had a serious conversation about me in refrence to my entire relationship with her, you know I did some fuckery before and it was unexcusable and the fix was created, somehow just by a band-aid we stayed together. Now we're here at a crossroads, we both believe in our love and we both believe in our future, simply because of privatized discussions; tough fuckin month I'm finishin out, but in my eyes heart mind body and soul I have a feeling that before the end of sept things will change; for the better with the two of us. So I'll leave this disclaimer to anyone who reads this, and if I wasn't on a sidekick I'd put it in size 16, bold, italicized super color so it stands out; but I can't so I'll say it twice.
I am not giving up on the two of us, and I don't believe that this is over, so unless you have positive feedback, don't talk to me about it; or I will erase you from my mind. Don't bother trying to tell me that this isn't necissary, because we both know relationships have pitfalls. If there is nothing positive to be said to me in regards to me, her or us; you'll be dead to me. I have faith in me and her; I believe in miracles and happiness, and I will always love her.
-ahem-
I am not giving up on the two of us, and I don't believe that this is over, so unless you have positive feedback, don't talk to me about it; or I will erase you from my mind. Don't bother trying to tell me that this isn't necissary, because we both know relationships have pitfalls. If there is nothing positive to be said to me in regards to me, her or us; you'll be dead to me. I have faith in me and her; I believe in miracles and happiness, and I will always love her.
So, that's been the thought process for the last few days; and as of right now I feel less heavyheaded; heart still hurts tho; and I'm still sick, yes love-sickness does exist. I'll be writing a lot more...get cha reading glasses ready.
(Oh, to answer the question that you probably have; the term hari-kiri is Japanese for suicide. Take that how you want, my titles are always self explanitory.)
As a person, I found that I was delightfully entertained by music at a young age; which every little kid is, but when I was like 10+ I started to listen to classic music by great artists such as The Isley Brothers; Anita Baker; The Commodores; Smokey Robinson & The Miracle; Patti LaBelle, et cetra. So since that was the soundtrack to my formative years, and I couldn't sing, I became more in tune with poetic expression or just expressing personal feelings through outlets of words and music. So I became a what I like to call a musicologist, which is the practical application of music to daily life & thought processes. So, I've always been a firm believer of the 'softer' side of life, yanno love, happiness, soul mates joy pleasure yadda...welp, I always took the time out to turn to music when I need something; usually as a beginning outlet so I can express myself through words, wether is writing a poem or escaping into a second reality w/ a short story or fiction work. On the flip side I would apply songs to the same sense of my happiness and greater good moods, partying w/ house music; emersion in jazz and lyrical raps. And the expression of my feelings through the usage of different artists expressions. in other words; when a song plays; I throw myself at the mercy of the bars and lyrics. So it hasn't been an easy ride on the coaster of life, being that my favorite genre is r&b and I stand at the corner of senitivity and emotion on a daily basis.
Which in turn explains why I broke my first iPod, deleted my entire r&b mp3's before and destroyed two very well put together r&b mix cd's. Its all well and good because there was a turning point; something special hit in june of 06 and actually start reconsidering how I took the application of songs; special moment it was in aug of 06 when I realized I was right and I could listen to 'overjoyed' by stevie wonder and know exactly what he was talking about. Its a good feeling to have...fast forward, and right now it seems that the thrill is gone, and the sunshine has left right along with her. To be honest; I'm goin down cause she's not around and my whole world is upside down, its like while these 336hrs and counting pass, its like I'm going in circles; and there's something in my heart that has me hooked on her; I need her bad like the air I breath but I can't seem to get past being the exfactor right now; and even though she knows noone loves me more than her, she can't seem to understand that I care for her more than she can ever seem to grasp. Between the two of us; its going to take some understanding, and I promise that I'll stay true, to the point that every little step I take is for her; I can't leave her alone, for reasons beyond my comprehension I'm feenin for her love. And she already should know by now that I'll never make a promise that I can't keep, and being that the hope is she'll read this, I'm prepared to start back at one.
Say what you want about Sensei going soft, but I disagree; usually its an outsider who hasn't been in the same predicament or hasn't felt the same way that I have who seems to have an underlying comment about our situation and that I'm wrong for keeping hope for the two of us. If you've ever had a serious conversation about me in refrence to my entire relationship with her, you know I did some fuckery before and it was unexcusable and the fix was created, somehow just by a band-aid we stayed together. Now we're here at a crossroads, we both believe in our love and we both believe in our future, simply because of privatized discussions; tough fuckin month I'm finishin out, but in my eyes heart mind body and soul I have a feeling that before the end of sept things will change; for the better with the two of us. So I'll leave this disclaimer to anyone who reads this, and if I wasn't on a sidekick I'd put it in size 16, bold, italicized super color so it stands out; but I can't so I'll say it twice.
I am not giving up on the two of us, and I don't believe that this is over, so unless you have positive feedback, don't talk to me about it; or I will erase you from my mind. Don't bother trying to tell me that this isn't necissary, because we both know relationships have pitfalls. If there is nothing positive to be said to me in regards to me, her or us; you'll be dead to me. I have faith in me and her; I believe in miracles and happiness, and I will always love her.
-ahem-
I am not giving up on the two of us, and I don't believe that this is over, so unless you have positive feedback, don't talk to me about it; or I will erase you from my mind. Don't bother trying to tell me that this isn't necissary, because we both know relationships have pitfalls. If there is nothing positive to be said to me in regards to me, her or us; you'll be dead to me. I have faith in me and her; I believe in miracles and happiness, and I will always love her.
So, that's been the thought process for the last few days; and as of right now I feel less heavyheaded; heart still hurts tho; and I'm still sick, yes love-sickness does exist. I'll be writing a lot more...get cha reading glasses ready.
(Oh, to answer the question that you probably have; the term hari-kiri is Japanese for suicide. Take that how you want, my titles are always self explanitory.)
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Summer's Swan Song or Why I Prefer My Shell
"'Tis the season" isn't that what they say during Christmas when they expect you to be happy, I do believe so...well it ain't that season aparently. Lets change the meaning shall we? Lets :)
The Summertime definitions of 'Tis the Season':
-Of change: Seemingly everybody decides they want to do something different now, since school's out and its lighter longer...
Now don't you sit there and act brand new like you don't know somebody who has changed in some way during the three hawt months. I call it the season of change, not the season of good or bad change. People change all the time, this is true, but from my observences, it seems to happen more during the summer. Some people begin to change in like april with the flowers, it may be subtle, but it ends up snowballing into something big, for example: someone could have issues with immaturity; small issues but issues none the less; and starting in may, you'll see something subtle with a change, maybe take on a few more responsibilities or something of that nature; and by the end of july you start to see a big differece, with things like taking responsibility for the actions they do, and such. Now...before you say: "awl Frank, nigga you crazy, I ain't never seen that in somebody" it was just an example homeskillitaiton. An amazing side note; I made the mose awesome damn blue kool aid this morning. Its like...perfection in a pitcher. It was great. Anyway; back to the change, on the flip side some people are known to go on a Clark Kent-ish type change, one day they have their ways and the next day totally different person, and yes you've seen that style too; its a lot easier to recognize, because its usually something drastic. but, as it stands for my 22yrs on the planet I have to say "birthday change" is possibly the best style change ever. Simply because 83.7% of the time you don't see the change coming until its too late, which may or may not necissarily be a bad thing, it just surprises the fuck outta you. One day things are honky-dory and then sha-BAMPF! Whole new person. Didn't see it coming, didn't expect it, wasn't prepared, no time to study, just a hello! Pop quiz time, can you handle me after my birthday? Interestingly, this isn't slated for just one particular gender, but EVERYONE goes through the birthday change, I've done it, my best friend has done it, his "I wish they would get together so the shit can stop" girlfriend has done it. My mom, stepdad, stepmom, girlfriend, her friends, people in the hood. Everybody has the birthday change. Is it better? Is it worse? Psh, its a surprise; hell its so surprising that the changee doesn't even know its happening until they take a retrospective peek into the recent past, and see for themselves; sometimes they may say: oh I changed for the better; or it might be a change for the worst who knows...nobody that's who!
-of Singularity: So like; summer is totally an awesome time of self rediscovery, self awareness and self reliance. That's awesome, but I've notices that a lot of people I know who happen to be in relationships seem to go through the toughest time keeping themselves composed through the hot summer months, temptation is a bitch, and if you can't attest to that being a factor of truth, just take a look at your best friends; do a quiet observation on anybody who hasn't been in a relationship longer than 6mths and the summer hit. I can name several examples of people who struggled just because dudes only wear beaters or chicks throw on the dukes. Its a tough challenge for any one with a weak will to overcome the temptations. Its fun to watch the weaker ones mishandle the challenges, especially when expierience is on your side, and things of a simple nature come to visualization its actually fun to do a little play-by-play when the inexpierienced are floundering; especially when offering coaching and advisory. Good news though, if the student learns from the coaching factors, its quite rewarding to see the fruits of the patience and help paying off when summer is over and september hits and the budding relationship grows a little stronger. Bad news is, a lot of relationships can't sustain over the summer, and then a lot of single people are rebirthed and come out a little less trusting because something happened to them in their relationship that caused a major switch in their trust level and faith in sustaining a relationship, which leaves them stuck in a "singularity is the best position to be in" mindset for a goo whilea good while...6mths or longer, pending on how much time and care was placed into the situation.
-of Reconciliation: Through all of the destruction summer does bring there's always that hope that something good will come out of it; and if the summer experience is as high as others may be, then summer may just bring you limitless joy and happiness that a lesson was learned most likely causing general self reassurance and a general overall 'I feel good' moment or 6. What makes the "feel good" moments so good is partially based on what the catalyst was; and how it interracted with the situation.
I'm just glad this summer, personally was one of my better birthdays spent. July sucked as usual, and the verdict is still out on august. Lets put things into perspective for those who forgot what Sensei is about:
So, I have the most amazing girlfriend in the world; you might think that's an over-exaggeration; but the funny thing is, it just might be an understatement. Its not. The things she has done for me are immeasureable; and the fun we've had together is unfathomable; unless you've been there. I think what makes our situation more than great is the fact that I've had people, whom I haven't spoken to in a good while; tell me that they are in 'awe' or 'envious' of our relationship, or how our relationship gives them hope that they too will find themselves something as good as ours. People whome I never would have thought were paying that much attention to me and my babe, and even some who surprised me totally, with a new hope that they will find something that can compare. To me I think the best example of that would have to be Lauren's best friend saying to her; that "she wishes she could find a guy like Frank" (that's me) even as much as she spites me, and how much she may be against me, I am hoping that she can find a good person to treat her well, she's my baby's homie she deserves to be done right as well. I'm digressing again. I went to cali twice; never been before in my life, and I'll admit I was scared outside of my mind, both times; the first I was nervous comin down LAX's escalator because I was worried that she wasn't going to be there, and she was, went from a good flight to an awesome 5 days in october. Eventhough I slept through our first date, curse you jetlag!! Our second, third and fourth dates (which never left the house) were quite possibly the most fun & fattening I've ever had. But I think the fifth date was our most special. We stepped out to an amusement park, I was becoming sick due to climate changes and we still had a great time; it was fun, because of small things that happened between us; yanno stuff like a $10 voucher in the park being enough money for the two Li'l Piggies to eat a good meal. Feeding each other pizza & salad and sharing a sprite. All the while making the other 3 at our table jealous, and the people at the surrounding area as well...(hey, Lauren I know your going to read this; can I draw the Hawaiian Islands on your chest? Lmao.)
So things were a little rough on the return home, I didn't want to leave; she didn't want me to go, stupid work & obligations; anyway I touched back in fla, and I think our time spent together strengthened us more than anything. December came, and I gave her two very large pieces of my being; as well as a letter explaining why I did. She couldn't understand why, I explained, it was simple; three words bigger meaning between us than mirriam-webster & roget's thesaurus all combined. I love you. It wasn't any other way for me to explain it. So, ffwd a few mths and as sort of a return valentines gift, I received a new phone and a brand new plan. Huzzah for Monthly! But, it wasn't the phone that was the surprise and the heart melting 'aww' moment; it was when I opened the phone and I had one measly contact in my address book; it said: "P-Nutt" and in sidekicks, you can put a note with your phone contacts; the note reads:
"I LOVE YOU BABY! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! I WISH WE COULD'VE SPENT IT TOGETHER, BUT NEXT YEAR WE WILL. HUGS KISSES AND BABIES IN THE FUTURE! MUAHHH! <3!"
That note alone as enough to make me realize there ain't another soul in the grandure that is our blessed universe for me. There wasn't a maybe next year, it was a guarantee.
I hated florida, and she knew it, could hear it in my voice, see it in the way I would react to things and even how my face was down when I was leaving on the flight from cali in oct. I moved back to de, and still wasn't quite happy yet, and she could tell. But I think the key moment for us was the june situation. I had sort-of proposed to her on many different occasions verbally, fontually, textually, and idk if she took them serious or not, but I meant 'em, and there was a point, while I was living in the most negative place on earth, that I told her I wanted to get out of dodge, and move west; we were in perfect harmony with it. Knowing the idea wouldn't come to fruition immediately giving us time to plan and to work out the financial kinks and small nuances that needed to be handled before one person can completely abandon his general safe zone of living arangements. Not to mention the mental prep a woman would need to adjust before living with her boyfriend.
Anyway, our original birthdy plans were scrapped due to lisa and her general care and overprotectiveness of my babe, I wasn't upset, we just had to adjust for the situation; so I flew west once more. I think it was the greatest trip I ever had; capped off by a slightly conspicuous beginning, by my ass missing the original flight. But when I landed we couldn't keep our hands away from each other, I even think brit became a little jealous and nauseated at the same time; sorry best homie; I missed my girlfriend. For 7 days we kicked it, like 6 David Beckhams, most fun I've ever had; I'm torn between the aquarium trip we took where she was all "omg ewww the stingray is so gooey" but touched it anyway and the time we spent in blockbuster trying to figure out which movie to get. ('Babe look! Its "The Urban Ninja"! "Boy, put that down, it looks like two niggas filmed it with a video camera on the back strets of Chicago.") After we left blockbuster; we went to subway; I think it was funny cause we watched Juno and were both about to birth twin food babies. Go figure. Mm...sex on the living room floor...Damn it, Brina!! So...it was time for me to come home, and I was oh so close to missing my flight for 3 days straight, just so I could spend more time with her. We had the best moments of our short, long relationship in june, but something happened, something odd. And it started with july and myself. As much as I love that girl, something switched in me, I did the pre-documented superman change, and it went haywire. The whole situation was subconcious and I didn't realize what I was doing, soon; long work conversations turned to short work arguments, loving night time phone calls turned to angry I'm going to sleeps...now. One can say, the entire month of july wasn't all bad, we had great laughs still, but I'm convinced that because we had to steal away from each other after we formed the bond and strengthen our connection, something went fritz-ish. We made it to august. And our anniversary hit, and I felt like a complete piece of shit. My girlfriend for two years and I couldn't even afford to get her a card; now, its not to say I couldn't have planned better; budgeted right and made it happen, but I was procrastinating, I was being foolish, I always said: oh, eh I'll get it tomorrow; knowing I'd end up saying the same thing...who really knows what was going through my mind, especially after everything we have and have been through; (dad wanted to throw hands; as we'll as jealous fat nigga at universal studios) and how much issues we've dealt with in such a short time. Consider this an 'I'm Sorry' to my girlfriend. Consider this a realization that the best thing I have is teetering on the brink of confusion. And I'm starting to understand why.
The title was "why I prefer my shell" but the funny thing about it is its the complete opposite of that, because everything I've mentioned is the antithisis of me having a shell. I used to do my best to keep everything out; I then let her in, but I was afraid prior to 2008; now she's in and what I considered my deepest fear; of loving to much and to have it all crumble because of something I've done, or didn't do, is starting to rear its bastard-ass head...
In the last few mths, I've lost my best friend, grew stronger with my girl, and just when I was prepared to make her my best and push him away...I screwed up. Lets hope I can turn this around so I won't be alone and scared to love anymore...
Do I want to lose her? Psh...no. Can I make better strides to show hwe that? Fuck yeah. Will she let me...
The Summertime definitions of 'Tis the Season':
-Of change: Seemingly everybody decides they want to do something different now, since school's out and its lighter longer...
Now don't you sit there and act brand new like you don't know somebody who has changed in some way during the three hawt months. I call it the season of change, not the season of good or bad change. People change all the time, this is true, but from my observences, it seems to happen more during the summer. Some people begin to change in like april with the flowers, it may be subtle, but it ends up snowballing into something big, for example: someone could have issues with immaturity; small issues but issues none the less; and starting in may, you'll see something subtle with a change, maybe take on a few more responsibilities or something of that nature; and by the end of july you start to see a big differece, with things like taking responsibility for the actions they do, and such. Now...before you say: "awl Frank, nigga you crazy, I ain't never seen that in somebody" it was just an example homeskillitaiton. An amazing side note; I made the mose awesome damn blue kool aid this morning. Its like...perfection in a pitcher. It was great. Anyway; back to the change, on the flip side some people are known to go on a Clark Kent-ish type change, one day they have their ways and the next day totally different person, and yes you've seen that style too; its a lot easier to recognize, because its usually something drastic. but, as it stands for my 22yrs on the planet I have to say "birthday change" is possibly the best style change ever. Simply because 83.7% of the time you don't see the change coming until its too late, which may or may not necissarily be a bad thing, it just surprises the fuck outta you. One day things are honky-dory and then sha-BAMPF! Whole new person. Didn't see it coming, didn't expect it, wasn't prepared, no time to study, just a hello! Pop quiz time, can you handle me after my birthday? Interestingly, this isn't slated for just one particular gender, but EVERYONE goes through the birthday change, I've done it, my best friend has done it, his "I wish they would get together so the shit can stop" girlfriend has done it. My mom, stepdad, stepmom, girlfriend, her friends, people in the hood. Everybody has the birthday change. Is it better? Is it worse? Psh, its a surprise; hell its so surprising that the changee doesn't even know its happening until they take a retrospective peek into the recent past, and see for themselves; sometimes they may say: oh I changed for the better; or it might be a change for the worst who knows...nobody that's who!
-of Singularity: So like; summer is totally an awesome time of self rediscovery, self awareness and self reliance. That's awesome, but I've notices that a lot of people I know who happen to be in relationships seem to go through the toughest time keeping themselves composed through the hot summer months, temptation is a bitch, and if you can't attest to that being a factor of truth, just take a look at your best friends; do a quiet observation on anybody who hasn't been in a relationship longer than 6mths and the summer hit. I can name several examples of people who struggled just because dudes only wear beaters or chicks throw on the dukes. Its a tough challenge for any one with a weak will to overcome the temptations. Its fun to watch the weaker ones mishandle the challenges, especially when expierience is on your side, and things of a simple nature come to visualization its actually fun to do a little play-by-play when the inexpierienced are floundering; especially when offering coaching and advisory. Good news though, if the student learns from the coaching factors, its quite rewarding to see the fruits of the patience and help paying off when summer is over and september hits and the budding relationship grows a little stronger. Bad news is, a lot of relationships can't sustain over the summer, and then a lot of single people are rebirthed and come out a little less trusting because something happened to them in their relationship that caused a major switch in their trust level and faith in sustaining a relationship, which leaves them stuck in a "singularity is the best position to be in" mindset for a goo whilea good while...6mths or longer, pending on how much time and care was placed into the situation.
-of Reconciliation: Through all of the destruction summer does bring there's always that hope that something good will come out of it; and if the summer experience is as high as others may be, then summer may just bring you limitless joy and happiness that a lesson was learned most likely causing general self reassurance and a general overall 'I feel good' moment or 6. What makes the "feel good" moments so good is partially based on what the catalyst was; and how it interracted with the situation.
I'm just glad this summer, personally was one of my better birthdays spent. July sucked as usual, and the verdict is still out on august. Lets put things into perspective for those who forgot what Sensei is about:
So, I have the most amazing girlfriend in the world; you might think that's an over-exaggeration; but the funny thing is, it just might be an understatement. Its not. The things she has done for me are immeasureable; and the fun we've had together is unfathomable; unless you've been there. I think what makes our situation more than great is the fact that I've had people, whom I haven't spoken to in a good while; tell me that they are in 'awe' or 'envious' of our relationship, or how our relationship gives them hope that they too will find themselves something as good as ours. People whome I never would have thought were paying that much attention to me and my babe, and even some who surprised me totally, with a new hope that they will find something that can compare. To me I think the best example of that would have to be Lauren's best friend saying to her; that "she wishes she could find a guy like Frank" (that's me) even as much as she spites me, and how much she may be against me, I am hoping that she can find a good person to treat her well, she's my baby's homie she deserves to be done right as well. I'm digressing again. I went to cali twice; never been before in my life, and I'll admit I was scared outside of my mind, both times; the first I was nervous comin down LAX's escalator because I was worried that she wasn't going to be there, and she was, went from a good flight to an awesome 5 days in october. Eventhough I slept through our first date, curse you jetlag!! Our second, third and fourth dates (which never left the house) were quite possibly the most fun & fattening I've ever had. But I think the fifth date was our most special. We stepped out to an amusement park, I was becoming sick due to climate changes and we still had a great time; it was fun, because of small things that happened between us; yanno stuff like a $10 voucher in the park being enough money for the two Li'l Piggies to eat a good meal. Feeding each other pizza & salad and sharing a sprite. All the while making the other 3 at our table jealous, and the people at the surrounding area as well...(hey, Lauren I know your going to read this; can I draw the Hawaiian Islands on your chest? Lmao.)
So things were a little rough on the return home, I didn't want to leave; she didn't want me to go, stupid work & obligations; anyway I touched back in fla, and I think our time spent together strengthened us more than anything. December came, and I gave her two very large pieces of my being; as well as a letter explaining why I did. She couldn't understand why, I explained, it was simple; three words bigger meaning between us than mirriam-webster & roget's thesaurus all combined. I love you. It wasn't any other way for me to explain it. So, ffwd a few mths and as sort of a return valentines gift, I received a new phone and a brand new plan. Huzzah for Monthly! But, it wasn't the phone that was the surprise and the heart melting 'aww' moment; it was when I opened the phone and I had one measly contact in my address book; it said: "P-Nutt" and in sidekicks, you can put a note with your phone contacts; the note reads:
"I LOVE YOU BABY! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! I WISH WE COULD'VE SPENT IT TOGETHER, BUT NEXT YEAR WE WILL. HUGS KISSES AND BABIES IN THE FUTURE! MUAHHH! <3!"
That note alone as enough to make me realize there ain't another soul in the grandure that is our blessed universe for me. There wasn't a maybe next year, it was a guarantee.
I hated florida, and she knew it, could hear it in my voice, see it in the way I would react to things and even how my face was down when I was leaving on the flight from cali in oct. I moved back to de, and still wasn't quite happy yet, and she could tell. But I think the key moment for us was the june situation. I had sort-of proposed to her on many different occasions verbally, fontually, textually, and idk if she took them serious or not, but I meant 'em, and there was a point, while I was living in the most negative place on earth, that I told her I wanted to get out of dodge, and move west; we were in perfect harmony with it. Knowing the idea wouldn't come to fruition immediately giving us time to plan and to work out the financial kinks and small nuances that needed to be handled before one person can completely abandon his general safe zone of living arangements. Not to mention the mental prep a woman would need to adjust before living with her boyfriend.
Anyway, our original birthdy plans were scrapped due to lisa and her general care and overprotectiveness of my babe, I wasn't upset, we just had to adjust for the situation; so I flew west once more. I think it was the greatest trip I ever had; capped off by a slightly conspicuous beginning, by my ass missing the original flight. But when I landed we couldn't keep our hands away from each other, I even think brit became a little jealous and nauseated at the same time; sorry best homie; I missed my girlfriend. For 7 days we kicked it, like 6 David Beckhams, most fun I've ever had; I'm torn between the aquarium trip we took where she was all "omg ewww the stingray is so gooey" but touched it anyway and the time we spent in blockbuster trying to figure out which movie to get. ('Babe look! Its "The Urban Ninja"! "Boy, put that down, it looks like two niggas filmed it with a video camera on the back strets of Chicago.") After we left blockbuster; we went to subway; I think it was funny cause we watched Juno and were both about to birth twin food babies. Go figure. Mm...sex on the living room floor...Damn it, Brina!! So...it was time for me to come home, and I was oh so close to missing my flight for 3 days straight, just so I could spend more time with her. We had the best moments of our short, long relationship in june, but something happened, something odd. And it started with july and myself. As much as I love that girl, something switched in me, I did the pre-documented superman change, and it went haywire. The whole situation was subconcious and I didn't realize what I was doing, soon; long work conversations turned to short work arguments, loving night time phone calls turned to angry I'm going to sleeps...now. One can say, the entire month of july wasn't all bad, we had great laughs still, but I'm convinced that because we had to steal away from each other after we formed the bond and strengthen our connection, something went fritz-ish. We made it to august. And our anniversary hit, and I felt like a complete piece of shit. My girlfriend for two years and I couldn't even afford to get her a card; now, its not to say I couldn't have planned better; budgeted right and made it happen, but I was procrastinating, I was being foolish, I always said: oh, eh I'll get it tomorrow; knowing I'd end up saying the same thing...who really knows what was going through my mind, especially after everything we have and have been through; (dad wanted to throw hands; as we'll as jealous fat nigga at universal studios) and how much issues we've dealt with in such a short time. Consider this an 'I'm Sorry' to my girlfriend. Consider this a realization that the best thing I have is teetering on the brink of confusion. And I'm starting to understand why.
The title was "why I prefer my shell" but the funny thing about it is its the complete opposite of that, because everything I've mentioned is the antithisis of me having a shell. I used to do my best to keep everything out; I then let her in, but I was afraid prior to 2008; now she's in and what I considered my deepest fear; of loving to much and to have it all crumble because of something I've done, or didn't do, is starting to rear its bastard-ass head...
In the last few mths, I've lost my best friend, grew stronger with my girl, and just when I was prepared to make her my best and push him away...I screwed up. Lets hope I can turn this around so I won't be alone and scared to love anymore...
Do I want to lose her? Psh...no. Can I make better strides to show hwe that? Fuck yeah. Will she let me...
Monday, July 21, 2008
Blog Cry 2 or 'The Zatoichi Who Could See'
There comes a time in just about every relationship, where the people involved have to make a choice and its not an easy choice, but it must be made. The parties involved must decide if they want things to work and leave the single life behind completely and begin to take strides with that person to solidify the life together. Difficult for some, impossible for others, and they live at close range. Now take that scenario, throw it in a pot turn it on boil, add 3cups of 1,000 miles, 2tbsp of once a year visits; 1lb of situational issues that could more than easily be resolved, throw in a pinch of two extreme emotial people. And you have a stew brewing with general confusion and anger...
What happens with that stew, is; as opposed to single life as the two may be, things may be at an odd range so that it might be a little tougher to get the situation handled faster, so the problem may linger longer than need be, and may grow larger than it should be.
Relationships work, this is true. Only if people are responsible in them. Responsibility is three parts mutual, man and womans. Problem is...if one person doesn't pick up their fair share, they don't carry the dual responsibility either, so the other party on the other hand feels that the weight is solely on their sholdiers when this happens.
What happens with that stew, is; as opposed to single life as the two may be, things may be at an odd range so that it might be a little tougher to get the situation handled faster, so the problem may linger longer than need be, and may grow larger than it should be.
Relationships work, this is true. Only if people are responsible in them. Responsibility is three parts mutual, man and womans. Problem is...if one person doesn't pick up their fair share, they don't carry the dual responsibility either, so the other party on the other hand feels that the weight is solely on their sholdiers when this happens.
Friday, June 6, 2008
3000, but not Andre; or The Reason I Want to Hibernate for 29.5 Days
Man.
Raise you're hand if you're an avid reader
Raise you're hand if i've given you a nickname at some point.
OK good.
All the rest of you?
Please feel free to sodomize yourself with a fire poker
thats been in a furnace all day. plzthxbai.
Raise you're hand if you're an avid reader
Raise you're hand if i've given you a nickname at some point.
OK good.
All the rest of you?
Please feel free to sodomize yourself with a fire poker
thats been in a furnace all day. plzthxbai.
So now that thats out of the way:
Juggs; Zig; Teenz feel free to scroll to the very bottom of this page.
not the blog; the entire page.
you see that picture? why can't that feeling come back.
i dont seem to understand why when the whole T. Initiative was going on and i was just playing kickback when i had a suspicion that something was happening but didnt care to dwell or think about it at all, it was all gravy train and southern biscuits; but the instance someone eles pops up on my end; and a few texts happen to show up; even though they meant about as much as the atomic number and weight of a quark, the whole world falls to shit, skies darken acid rains fall; thoughts of things being forgotten and expunged are out the window; talks of returning gifts; forgetful manners of things that have happened in the past to bring us to this situation...all seem to fly faster than the concorde to france.
Go Fuckin Figure.
All i want is a normal 13 or so days to pass, so that there can be the most awesome collection of 7 day activities to ever hit the earths life cycle since the death, ressurection, and subsequent miracles of J. H. Christ himself. What i cant seem to figure out is how, since the "deadening" has taken place with the unnamed; its like all previous transgressions that have been discussed; like the hand thing
apparently there is alot of stuff that happened that i didnt know about
but coincidentally when i asked it doesnt seem to want to show up and be put on front street...
So; at this point; im almost losing my thought process and my writing style.
So, im just going to hold a conversation.
Keep Up if you can...
Dude.
Sup, Duke?
Talk to me, bruh.
About?
Quite possibly the greatest thing in my life ever.
Explain.
Death; Destruction; Theft; Extortion; every possible way to eat runs through my head; stealing cars; robbing banks; cleaning houses out; taking the 40gs from lowes' cash registers...it all swirls around.
For what?
Her and our happiness.
How so?
I feel that the woman i love; have given my heart to and want to settle down with; whom happens to live 3500 miles away deserves much more than i have to offer her now; and i've been sitting here every day for the last 2 months thinking and balancing and weighing and contemplating and discussing things with us about how i can make this work.
Yeah
but every conclusion i have devised ends up with me being soul-crushed, and her ending up with some random fucknigga who i KNOW could never take my place.
Bruh; i feel you
I dont think you do, you know my inner workings better than anybody on the planet. moms tried; she failed called a shrink, shrink had as much luck as 3day old bread. You were there for the adderall comic genius fiasco.
lol; mhm
If i knew then what i knew now; ida had maaaaaaaad money in my pocket in high school...instead of actin like i was takin em.
Yeah, i agree.
But i just dont understand the only thing i can see myself doing is just packin all my shit in the back of a uHaul, hittin the hiiiigh way; try to get some money the fly way, and spend the rest of my days houseless out in cali, just so i can spend time and give everything i have to that girl.
Do you think...
Yeah; i really do. contrary to all the bullshit i've done in the past and all the transgressions i've put her through all the confusion thats happened; its so odd for me to see someone who actually cares & loves me enough to put up with the boolsheet; stick with me through all the nonsense, help me quit the one true vice i had. one of the few to light a fire under me when i was to the point of almost quittin wendys. the only person outside of the surrogate brother i have who can actually tame the inner fire i happen to have and keep me from spazzin out on various occasions. its tough for me to even contemplate trying to come up with a feasable replacement for me when i do sit back and think of one of my favorite quotes of all time; you know which one
Yeah; if you love some one set them free...
...if they love you; they'll come back
Yeah; or something along that nature.
Mhm; so i have sat here and contemplated what would happen if i did say: "Eh, lauren you know i love you and we've been together for two years now and everything has been going good for the most part; well as to my understanding it has, but its just when i do see that your not happy it really pains me inside. i just wish there was a way i could do everything in my power to just bring us together for just one hour of the day every day if we have to spend such distances apart; but i cant do that... and i just want you to be happy; like genuinely happy; living life vicarious and youthful like you should be not stressed about your boyfriend or his whereabouts or none of that nonsense. i wish i could be there to do quintessential boyfriend shit with you; but i cant due to travel issues; so as much as it pains me to say i want us to end this."
But; uhh...
Nah, i fight with it every day; yes i understand we have discussed the fact that i really do want to marry this girl; and yes i want her to be the mother of my children; and yes the one i want my Father, one of the 3 people i can truly say i actually love and would give anything for without hesitation; to meet. That would put a huge smile on his face; which would probably break me down into tears cause im fighting them back now.
Man that shit up nigga...what with tears and all...
Nigga; fuck you. i love this girl. as it stands now its tough to say what reaction would come of this; and to be honest; i cant see em comin down my eyes; so i gotta make this blog cry.
You must really hate the summer huh?
Very fucking funny you diseased rhino piss. since 2000 none of the summer months have ever been good to me. what makes it even worse is that my damn birthday falls in June; and great news: the last three years, yanno the ones i've been looking forward too, have all turned out shitty. and it seems that #4 just might be ending up that way as well.
Soo...what are you gonna do?
I dont fuckin know; i have nowhere else to turn for advice. everybody i spin around and go to has something they are going through and being how i am; i just push my shit down to the deepest recesses and help them. and when i finally do get alone time; instead of bringing up my problems to try and solve them i just grab the psp and escape into the wonderful world of gaming.
So when you were writing this you were psp'n it up?
Nah; i was on the phone with Fiance.
Oh; what happened?
Allllllllllllllllot of shit hit the fan.
We are not fond of shitty fans.
Not in the slightest.
Whats going to be the outcome?
You mean before or after i wipe the tears out of my wells?
I told you to man that shit up...after.
Well, when the wells dry up again, i'm gonna call her back, but i dont think that will be before i finish this blog; i only have 8mins to do so, and im trying to push this whole argument/discrepency out of my damn head. but it doesnt seem to want to go.
You know Side B; you can really be a fucking dick some times dude.
Yeah i know; there is a way to balance that out tho. It takes time and patience.
Uh; i could have sworn we actually did balance it out to the point where nothing would come of us hurting lauren ever again.
Well this is what happens when we start to do good; and something says: well this fuckery is enough to stand from anybody. wool doesnt get pulled over my eyes for very long. you know where i was brought up and developed at.
Yeah. well aware. , i was there remember?
Yeah i know; so by that nature; you also know how difficult it is for me to trust someone; and how things have to be shown and proven to me to actually get away from the anti-trust issue that i have grown to keep as my own...
Yes; very well aware. its what's gotten us this far, and how we can go out on limbs with people; simply because we can go and then strive on our own anyway. knowing from past experiences no one is to trust; and in the end soembody will try to fuck you over.
Exactly. but you have to remember one thing: You told us almost 8mths ago; that this girl was the one you really wanted to spend your life with; correct?
Yes.
And what did you end up doing when you touched down from cali?
Thought about what christmas was going to be for us; and what i was gonna get her on a shitty ass salary.
And here you came with the most thoughtful gift someone could give even though that have next to nothing. your most prized two possessions the two that you never went anywhere without.
Yeah i know; and i think about her with them on every waking moment; but the heartsinker...
Yeah i remember; she told you she didnt wear it all the time; i was there, i was the reason you second guessed it; simply because i gave you every possible scenario in any instance if any that it should be taken off; and if it was, put right back on.
Yeah; dude i know...dont really wanna talk about that; cause i just assume its on all the time now; that way i dont have to think about it.
Fair enough. have you done anything else recently to give her the sweet reminders?
No...
well maybe thats it; maybe she's seeking affection from these other random dudes whom you personally know never will stand up to the amount of love affection and general admiration you have for her and all she's doing.
Dude, if it was that easy to just drop 7 or 8 hunnit this wouldnt even be a discussion. fuck the other niggas and what they think; they are after one thing and we both know it doesnt have four chambers.
Yes; im well aware of what they want as opposed to us. but sit back and ponder this for a second: You want this girl to be yours from now until the end of time; (No justin) but you can only do but so much to keep her when you arent with her. i know personally all of the romantic things you want to do; every possible show of affection; all the small shit she doesnt realize will come of our relationship as soon as we are in a 3 mile radius. but its just a matter of you having to change first. Yes, you like to flirt, we understand that; you're a charismatic motherfucker for you to just turn the charisma off; is like saying stop the turbines in the hoover dam. its possible; but dude thats a huge discrepency. but the problem lies in the fact that even though we dont see it; maaad people think we are attractive motherfuckers. i still say we dont; but hey we get the compliments alot; and small subtle shit about how we really dont give no fucks about our genearl appeal to the rest of the world; may actually be something else that attracts. iono what the fuck we have; but we have to find a way to bring that shit back.
Dude, even our extreme dweebishness doesnt work anymore. like; the fact that im knowlegable in games, tech, sports, and comics is like drawing people in.
We're going to just have to play dumb then.
Dude; in this age; all the niggas is playin dumb, so thats not working. what about the corny role?
Nah; we tried that before; and it just comes off quirky.
Alright; what about maaaaad disrespectful?
They like that more than the nerd shit.
So; we just gonna put our faces back in the comics and psp's and shit; keep it movin that way
Might work; Might could. i mean hell nobody listens to our music as it is anyway; and im tooo animated to be in public with people who give a damn about their public appearance anyway; so im already half way there. You just need to catch up and stop being so damn charismatic all the damn time. Get...
CONDESCENDING!
Brilliant; just treat everyone outside of those whom i love like shit. complete and utter. considering dan; la dad and mom are already used to how i act and react to people anyway; just stop taking remorse in it for real stop sparing feelings; and such of that nature. maybe the peoples will just leave us the fuck alone...
Eh, who knows...fuck em fuck em all. All i know is; we know where our friends lie; mhm
And as much as she hates to deal with it; Juggs; Teenz & Zig wont be leaving anytime soon. Sami's singin at our wedding; and Dan will end up with his own wing at our mansion. its just destined to happen that way. and you fuckin know it.
Dude; stop telling me shit that i already know and go get your fuckin woman back.
Yeah; im gone dude; its already back in motion; think im gonna buy an engagement ring soon too.
Juggs; Zig; Teenz feel free to scroll to the very bottom of this page.
not the blog; the entire page.
you see that picture? why can't that feeling come back.
i dont seem to understand why when the whole T. Initiative was going on and i was just playing kickback when i had a suspicion that something was happening but didnt care to dwell or think about it at all, it was all gravy train and southern biscuits; but the instance someone eles pops up on my end; and a few texts happen to show up; even though they meant about as much as the atomic number and weight of a quark, the whole world falls to shit, skies darken acid rains fall; thoughts of things being forgotten and expunged are out the window; talks of returning gifts; forgetful manners of things that have happened in the past to bring us to this situation...all seem to fly faster than the concorde to france.
Go Fuckin Figure.
All i want is a normal 13 or so days to pass, so that there can be the most awesome collection of 7 day activities to ever hit the earths life cycle since the death, ressurection, and subsequent miracles of J. H. Christ himself. What i cant seem to figure out is how, since the "deadening" has taken place with the unnamed; its like all previous transgressions that have been discussed; like the hand thing
apparently there is alot of stuff that happened that i didnt know about
but coincidentally when i asked it doesnt seem to want to show up and be put on front street...
So; at this point; im almost losing my thought process and my writing style.
So, im just going to hold a conversation.
Keep Up if you can...
Dude.
Sup, Duke?
Talk to me, bruh.
About?
Quite possibly the greatest thing in my life ever.
Explain.
Death; Destruction; Theft; Extortion; every possible way to eat runs through my head; stealing cars; robbing banks; cleaning houses out; taking the 40gs from lowes' cash registers...it all swirls around.
For what?
Her and our happiness.
How so?
I feel that the woman i love; have given my heart to and want to settle down with; whom happens to live 3500 miles away deserves much more than i have to offer her now; and i've been sitting here every day for the last 2 months thinking and balancing and weighing and contemplating and discussing things with us about how i can make this work.
Yeah
but every conclusion i have devised ends up with me being soul-crushed, and her ending up with some random fucknigga who i KNOW could never take my place.
Bruh; i feel you
I dont think you do, you know my inner workings better than anybody on the planet. moms tried; she failed called a shrink, shrink had as much luck as 3day old bread. You were there for the adderall comic genius fiasco.
lol; mhm
If i knew then what i knew now; ida had maaaaaaaad money in my pocket in high school...instead of actin like i was takin em.
Yeah, i agree.
But i just dont understand the only thing i can see myself doing is just packin all my shit in the back of a uHaul, hittin the hiiiigh way; try to get some money the fly way, and spend the rest of my days houseless out in cali, just so i can spend time and give everything i have to that girl.
Do you think...
Yeah; i really do. contrary to all the bullshit i've done in the past and all the transgressions i've put her through all the confusion thats happened; its so odd for me to see someone who actually cares & loves me enough to put up with the boolsheet; stick with me through all the nonsense, help me quit the one true vice i had. one of the few to light a fire under me when i was to the point of almost quittin wendys. the only person outside of the surrogate brother i have who can actually tame the inner fire i happen to have and keep me from spazzin out on various occasions. its tough for me to even contemplate trying to come up with a feasable replacement for me when i do sit back and think of one of my favorite quotes of all time; you know which one
Yeah; if you love some one set them free...
...if they love you; they'll come back
Yeah; or something along that nature.
Mhm; so i have sat here and contemplated what would happen if i did say: "Eh, lauren you know i love you and we've been together for two years now and everything has been going good for the most part; well as to my understanding it has, but its just when i do see that your not happy it really pains me inside. i just wish there was a way i could do everything in my power to just bring us together for just one hour of the day every day if we have to spend such distances apart; but i cant do that... and i just want you to be happy; like genuinely happy; living life vicarious and youthful like you should be not stressed about your boyfriend or his whereabouts or none of that nonsense. i wish i could be there to do quintessential boyfriend shit with you; but i cant due to travel issues; so as much as it pains me to say i want us to end this."
But; uhh...
Nah, i fight with it every day; yes i understand we have discussed the fact that i really do want to marry this girl; and yes i want her to be the mother of my children; and yes the one i want my Father, one of the 3 people i can truly say i actually love and would give anything for without hesitation; to meet. That would put a huge smile on his face; which would probably break me down into tears cause im fighting them back now.
Man that shit up nigga...what with tears and all...
Nigga; fuck you. i love this girl. as it stands now its tough to say what reaction would come of this; and to be honest; i cant see em comin down my eyes; so i gotta make this blog cry.
You must really hate the summer huh?
Very fucking funny you diseased rhino piss. since 2000 none of the summer months have ever been good to me. what makes it even worse is that my damn birthday falls in June; and great news: the last three years, yanno the ones i've been looking forward too, have all turned out shitty. and it seems that #4 just might be ending up that way as well.
Soo...what are you gonna do?
I dont fuckin know; i have nowhere else to turn for advice. everybody i spin around and go to has something they are going through and being how i am; i just push my shit down to the deepest recesses and help them. and when i finally do get alone time; instead of bringing up my problems to try and solve them i just grab the psp and escape into the wonderful world of gaming.
So when you were writing this you were psp'n it up?
Nah; i was on the phone with Fiance.
Oh; what happened?
Allllllllllllllllot of shit hit the fan.
We are not fond of shitty fans.
Not in the slightest.
Whats going to be the outcome?
You mean before or after i wipe the tears out of my wells?
I told you to man that shit up...after.
Well, when the wells dry up again, i'm gonna call her back, but i dont think that will be before i finish this blog; i only have 8mins to do so, and im trying to push this whole argument/discrepency out of my damn head. but it doesnt seem to want to go.
You know Side B; you can really be a fucking dick some times dude.
Yeah i know; there is a way to balance that out tho. It takes time and patience.
Uh; i could have sworn we actually did balance it out to the point where nothing would come of us hurting lauren ever again.
Well this is what happens when we start to do good; and something says: well this fuckery is enough to stand from anybody. wool doesnt get pulled over my eyes for very long. you know where i was brought up and developed at.
Yeah. well aware. , i was there remember?
Yeah i know; so by that nature; you also know how difficult it is for me to trust someone; and how things have to be shown and proven to me to actually get away from the anti-trust issue that i have grown to keep as my own...
Yes; very well aware. its what's gotten us this far, and how we can go out on limbs with people; simply because we can go and then strive on our own anyway. knowing from past experiences no one is to trust; and in the end soembody will try to fuck you over.
Exactly. but you have to remember one thing: You told us almost 8mths ago; that this girl was the one you really wanted to spend your life with; correct?
Yes.
And what did you end up doing when you touched down from cali?
Thought about what christmas was going to be for us; and what i was gonna get her on a shitty ass salary.
And here you came with the most thoughtful gift someone could give even though that have next to nothing. your most prized two possessions the two that you never went anywhere without.
Yeah i know; and i think about her with them on every waking moment; but the heartsinker...
Yeah i remember; she told you she didnt wear it all the time; i was there, i was the reason you second guessed it; simply because i gave you every possible scenario in any instance if any that it should be taken off; and if it was, put right back on.
Yeah; dude i know...dont really wanna talk about that; cause i just assume its on all the time now; that way i dont have to think about it.
Fair enough. have you done anything else recently to give her the sweet reminders?
No...
well maybe thats it; maybe she's seeking affection from these other random dudes whom you personally know never will stand up to the amount of love affection and general admiration you have for her and all she's doing.
Dude, if it was that easy to just drop 7 or 8 hunnit this wouldnt even be a discussion. fuck the other niggas and what they think; they are after one thing and we both know it doesnt have four chambers.
Yes; im well aware of what they want as opposed to us. but sit back and ponder this for a second: You want this girl to be yours from now until the end of time; (No justin) but you can only do but so much to keep her when you arent with her. i know personally all of the romantic things you want to do; every possible show of affection; all the small shit she doesnt realize will come of our relationship as soon as we are in a 3 mile radius. but its just a matter of you having to change first. Yes, you like to flirt, we understand that; you're a charismatic motherfucker for you to just turn the charisma off; is like saying stop the turbines in the hoover dam. its possible; but dude thats a huge discrepency. but the problem lies in the fact that even though we dont see it; maaad people think we are attractive motherfuckers. i still say we dont; but hey we get the compliments alot; and small subtle shit about how we really dont give no fucks about our genearl appeal to the rest of the world; may actually be something else that attracts. iono what the fuck we have; but we have to find a way to bring that shit back.
Dude, even our extreme dweebishness doesnt work anymore. like; the fact that im knowlegable in games, tech, sports, and comics is like drawing people in.
We're going to just have to play dumb then.
Dude; in this age; all the niggas is playin dumb, so thats not working. what about the corny role?
Nah; we tried that before; and it just comes off quirky.
Alright; what about maaaaad disrespectful?
They like that more than the nerd shit.
So; we just gonna put our faces back in the comics and psp's and shit; keep it movin that way
Might work; Might could. i mean hell nobody listens to our music as it is anyway; and im tooo animated to be in public with people who give a damn about their public appearance anyway; so im already half way there. You just need to catch up and stop being so damn charismatic all the damn time. Get...
CONDESCENDING!
Brilliant; just treat everyone outside of those whom i love like shit. complete and utter. considering dan; la dad and mom are already used to how i act and react to people anyway; just stop taking remorse in it for real stop sparing feelings; and such of that nature. maybe the peoples will just leave us the fuck alone...
Eh, who knows...fuck em fuck em all. All i know is; we know where our friends lie; mhm
And as much as she hates to deal with it; Juggs; Teenz & Zig wont be leaving anytime soon. Sami's singin at our wedding; and Dan will end up with his own wing at our mansion. its just destined to happen that way. and you fuckin know it.
Dude; stop telling me shit that i already know and go get your fuckin woman back.
Yeah; im gone dude; its already back in motion; think im gonna buy an engagement ring soon too.
Thanks for listening self; i know its hard when the best advice giver is your own inner demon. But sometimes you are your best friend and own worst enemy. but when i can finally cope with my interior and exterior...man the days will be great in the land of Oz. oh and i think im just gonna go and get me a youngbul apprentice so that all of this shit that i know...can be passed on and put to good use.
Za we gotta get that seminar rollin homie!
Za we gotta get that seminar rollin homie!
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