The Super Collosal 2008 Year End Blowout Blog Event or The Swirlpool

{A song to think about: Deliverance - Bubba Sparxx.}

Sure to I'm start where not to quite. I hope that made sense to someone out there. Cause I know it does to me. A jumbled beginning to this creation is the perfect explanation as to what has been spinning around for these last few weeks. Like that emotional rollercoaster that vivian greene sang about. That song freakin' rocks. Can't listen to it without getting a clouded vision, but whatever. If your a frequent reader then you know where I've been and the slight hurdles I had to jump. Even though I didn't blog it; you knew because I told you. Problem is, that when I started to pen this, no more rain by angie stone came on, and I thought that was rather fitting. Except...in reverse, kinda. I already know the thoughts running through your head: "Ayye, c'mon Sei, you know yhat doesn't make sense. Cause if you reverse a song, then it isn't the same playboydukegodthun." Yeah I know, but you should read more. iLove. I'm human its what I do. I'm a cancerian; iLove harder, its in the zodiac-ness. its not always a bad thing, except my zodiac match is very volitile. Either we love strong, or fight like Ali & Frasier. Kids got small munnies to where my knots can fit in spandex, had a simple job and lost it. I didn't really look at it as a bad thing, more of a match to light a fire. And it helped in two coastal trips. Best birthday ever, and the best pre-presidential day since I was first excited about voting 4 yrs ago. That's all well and good, but the time has come to return to the nitty and the gritty of the main purpose of this blog. I've explained the triple blog that didn't happen, but now its time to explain why this blog took sooooo long to put together. I was stagnant and afraid. Plain and simple; only two people have ever heard me admit fear; and one of them should read this indefinitely. Its so much to put in here, (warning) that this blog (warning) is quite ossibly the longest blog I have ever written(clearly a foreshadow). I mean; I've taken the time out to cover other details in other blogs, some minute; and some rather gargantuan as far as details and thoughts go; but this may be the most collective group I have ever place in one blog. I mean I've said that my blogs have covered everything before, but none have covered actual conversations between me and outside parties, inside parties and parties brought in from the outside specifically for the purpose of collecting my sanity. I honestly believe if it wasn't for the conic book; I would have a) lost my slim grip on the little sanity and emotions I have left and b) did something hella-drastic, and the scarier thing about the drastic thoughts, I'm so randome; I wouldn't have known what I was doing before I did it.
So since your here, wanna trip with me? C'mon, it'll be fun, well at the very least it could be considered edutainment. (Oh, early disclaimer; I'm sorry in advance if parts of this story seem familiar; all names were removed to protect the innocent parties.) So come on, sir; float with me and let me take your chi on a ride.

An intermission: (A Few Words †: This may be the final away for a while; things have fallen down harder than our economic status; seemingly around the same time. Its been fun; its been real cool talking to some of you, you can contact me in various ways; the rest, go fuck a weed-whacker. Flip your scripts and count your chips; don't allow things to get comfortable, for your life is just a snow globe shake away from being totally fucked. Trust what you think you can; but remember this very important statement: you were born alone and you will, absolutely WILL die alone, no matter what you do. Do your best to hold on to what you have; but be careful with your grip, I'm not a numbers runner, I'm a numbers gunner, I do the work in my head faster than most calculators. I can't begin to give you the numericals. Just know that inside of a tear, there are memories...don't let 'em fall. Later.)

Back to the story. If it wasn't for distractions, then I would have probably cause some sort of bodily harm to myself, something that I could actually feel myself doing. Ya know, blades; electricity; 15 consecutive hard headbutts to a steel storm door; punch a wall until my knuckles bleed; or just drive for a while and pull up next to a pole due to a passenger powerslide. Thanks to friends, I stopped feeling like big, ready to die, final track, suicidal thoughts. So, I'll sum this third paragraph with this: thank you Bobby, that comic is a freakin sweet deterant. Thank you Za, the hopeful trips to visit gave me something to think about while I didn't have any thing but empty space on my mind. Thank you Kye, for just being an all around look out with everything, and the fashionista talk to keep me distracted. Small thanks to Santana for popping up at the hotel in june; and then seemingly magically returning back to my life when I needed another person to talk to. Thanks to those of you whom I didn't forget about, but just may be a few things that I didn't need to mention. If you're pissy about it, go fuck a trash compactor; my comments are open. Cry in there, I might give a shit. "Oh Sensei, you're so mean; why are you like that?" because at this point right now. I can honestly say, I just don't give a fuck about you, your problems, your issues, or your accomplishments. "Awl golly gee whiz mister, you don't have to be so mad at us, we didn't do anything." Yeah, I know, so to save myself the trouble later, here's a giant FUCK YOU because if you decide you want to be cool with me now, and then some point later, flip your script; you aren't shit. Sorry friends(?). If you know me, you've gottenpast this shit and already jumped down into the meat of this blog, which begins.......now.
Lauren Denise Sanders, we've been through a lot in two years; how strange it could be so much so far away. Thanks for feigning the interest in me for that time, I guess it was fun. I'm glad I had the chance to date you...and sometimes you AND your friend. I love you, which is why I soldiered through the bullshit in dealing with her. Went to outter sources to try and figure it out, then just gave up. Sorry she couldn't bear to learn how to deal with her friend being happy with someone else, until it was too late. I'm sorry she had to sit there and constantly tell you how "bad" I was for you, constantly making you think about things that me and you personally discussed and I assumed were dead issues and moot points. I'm sorry she was so fucking jealous of something that you had, and could still have. I'm sorry I made the mistake of ever involving you in matters of the heart, I'm sorry if I dragged you through this relationship and you weren't happy for longer than these 4 months. I'm sorry if I loved you more than you were ready for, I'm sorry if I saw something in you that I thought was perfect. I'm sorry if I changed myself for the better, only to have it be all for naught. I'm sorry if you read this and burst into confused tears with a mix of anger, sadness and depression. I'm sorry if I don't feel I could love anyone as much as I know I love you; and I'm sorry you couldn't take a step back to realize how much I do and how much of it isn't just words to you to make you smile on the outside. I'm sorry you broke our communication down. I'm sorry I didn't take the inititive to go and kick the shit out of tony when I was there in june, I'm sorry I was sick in october and I didn't hit your father when he tried to test me; I'm sorry I rubbed off on lisa to where she loves me and can talk to me about things with you. I'm sorry you started using me just for emotional stability when something bad would happen. I'm sorry I became your last resort to talk on the phone with. I don't give a flying flaming fuming FUCK if we just ended up crashing on the phone together. It was the principles behind the talking on the phone. "What are you doing?" I'm on the phone. "With who?" (insert male name) "whose that?" a friend. "What am I?" quick silence...don't start with me. I'm sorry I couldn't go back to spending 9,000 minutes on the phone with you like I did when I lived with my mother. Thanks for riding with me to florida, thanks for being there while I was so down on myself when I was living there. Thanks for the phone. I'm sorry you couldn't talk to my father, you guys would have had an awesome fucking conversation. I'm sorry I wasn't enough of something for you even though I was ready to give you the world in your hands. I'm sorry for these tears falling on my pillow. I'm sorry I can't see you one last time. Fuck the end of october trip, I left on false pretenses that I had a girlfriend. I'm sorry you couldn't let yourself love me like you know in your heart iove you. Thanks for falling asleep on me on our last sunday together, I'm glad you spent all that time with britany and let me feel so alone and so far away when I was so close. I'm sorry I couldn't be there for you. I'm sorry that everything I do reminds me of you. I'm sorry I loved you so much. I'm sorry I thought we could share a moment like kate and norbit under the tree. I'm sorry we ever shared laughter together. Thx4thmmries. I'll keep 'em in my shoebox. My heart isn't closed to you never will be. I'm sorry the ring I had for you was stolen. I'm sorry all we shared in the hotel was sex and things were left with such mixed signals. I'm sorry for the dog eared chapter of your life; thanks for being in mine. I'm sorry I didn't protect you; I'm sorry that I was afraid to jump at first, and that I made a strange decision to think that over as opposed to being impulsive at first. I'm sorry that the decision came too late. I'm sorry we didn't take the leap together. Thank you for showing me things I didn't know I had. Thanks for lighting the fire. I'm sorry we had to come to this and that even after this; there is still so much left unsaid. Thanks for being there for me. I will always be there for you, and like I told you before; I'll be standing on the threshold of your heart; waiting patiently for you to accept my bountiful happiness and undying love for you. This isn't a 'dear john' letter or anything just thoughts that were spinning.

sami said I should empty my thoughts into the blog but the problem is my mind is being blocked by my heart. Its not writers block its like an odd form of emotional stoppage. Its almost as if my body is slowly shutting down and everything is reverting back to that adamantium shell that protected me through high school, and 18mths at college. Problem is there were two people who cracked that shell, I thought the first was right; but it was something that didn't click; and what came of that was a morphed version of the shell. I learned and adapted. Then I met, ... Her. So, since we all know the story I'll spare it. Between the people whom I consider my friends; Robert, Samantha, Zakiyah, Kyeshia, Candice, Santana (and even the new readers ! I didn't forget you guys ;]), they've all said the same general thing: "you two give me hope" 'what?' "dude yall are like the quintessential couple, like when I look at you guys and what you do for her and vice versa, you help me to believe that there still is the possibility of true love left" 'seriously'? "Yes." Awl shucks guys[/norbit] thanks for the votes of confidence. It makes me feel good about things. So I'm now sitting here looking at the things that have befallen and I honestly stand here and wish I wasn't in the situation I'm in. Everybody who talks to me sees happiness, or depending on the closeness, a distrought inner person; some have you may even have sensed depression, but this blog isn't just about the La & Frank situation, its more about the state of Frank's current mental capacity. This is the first and only time you'll see this in 2008; which is why I do it at the end of the year. Its simple, really; happiness escapes me. Straight up. In 2008 I've had a total of 11 (eleven, 7+4) 100% happy days, no worries or stress or anything. So there were days where I felt good, but I was missing something. Of the 366 days in '08 355 were spent in a slight depression or funk. I would go to work but was never satisfied. I would try for new employ nothing would come, the funk would sink more. I did my best to keep things solid with my baby. I made my mistakes and I corrected them went to lengths I never thought I would go for anyone for her, except I didn't know what I was doing, I live life spontaniously and I don't know how to plan. I have an estranged family and with my cynical mind, I'm subliminally counting the days to when my dad will pass away, something I don't want to do, but I just think about it. I spent valentines day emotionally happy, but physically alone. I dropped the ball, a key fumble earlier, and I don't even want to mention that one. Some days I sit in my room, tv on-ish, ps2 off lights off and cry because I think my life is worthless; I get a few phone calls but not from anyone whom I really want to talk to, I just tell them what they need to hear and keep my feelings locked inside the cage. Sometimes I look back on my year and think 'wow, would things have been easier without me?" I've been asking some strange questions recently. If people would chose my life or there's; if I died today, would you still care in 6mths. I've had an offer from my uncle to come and live with him, in texas. Yeah that's cool, but like ... I have never spoken to him for more than 10mins (;/) I had a semblence of happiness for the year and the house that we built has now crumbled to a shack with a big hole that follows me around. And I don't know what to do anymore. I moved twice this year and I was doing fine until november, now I feel completely inadequite. I can't keep up with my rent, I'm barely making my cellphone bill, and I only have one fucking suit to wear. I don't understand how I doing my best to live the right way and I'm getting the shitty end of the stick with everything else, and other people I see doing various shady shit ---
WHY DOESN'T SHE FUCKING BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL HER THERE IS NOBODY ELSE IN MY LIFE BUT HER
They get everything. Is it a test from God? A cruel joke played by the karma gods?

"Yeah, well here's what we'll do: we'll give him a girl he loves with every fiber of his soul, he'll become happy, but the twist is she's 3000 miles away, and we'll take away any chance at money so he can only spend a minimal amount of time with her, but he'll have to make the best of it. But wait! Lets do all of this and then throw two naysayers one from both sides, and then we'll make it more difficult by throwing random wrenches into the equation at different times just to test his metle all the while we'll sit back and laugh while he frets and tries to find a way to make it work."

Gee, thanks. I appreciate it. I would have rather been stabbed in the back. At least the pain wouldn't have lasted as long. Whatever. So now I'm sitting here just lost dazed broken confused and pretty much alone right now. Thanks to those who've been there to talk, but you can't fill the massive void. A soul mate discussion was brought up last night. I have three opinions on that; I don't have one; I found her already; I never will find her. Idk. I realy just don't want to be bothered by any but one. Like seriously. I don't like it when someone tells me things they don't actually mean either. That irks what little of my soul I have left. I'll probably throw a second blog up in dealing with that. But right now I'll wipe these few tears away, and hope to start 09 with an awesome beginning as opposed to anything else.

I'm STILL confused as to why she doesn't fucking believe my promise I made. Never would I cheat on her. Never would I disrespect us, and something I worked so hard to build from so far away. I said I would never throw away what I saw as a lifetime of love for one night of lust. Yes there were flirtatious moments but I never let anything, ANYTHING come between the love I have for her. ... more coming