Opening my Third Eye or The Meeting of My Minds

So like, as its well documented in hiphop; cassidy & t.I. both battled themselves, which is pretty cool and it takes a skilled person to have a conversation with oneself; just ask Za, or read my other blog. Now lets be real here; as skilled as you must be to hold a conversation with just yourself; there has to be a certain level of crazy to attempt such a feat and not look like a fool. Which leads me to my next point; nobody has ever taken the time out to try and have a triple conversation with themselves; at least not to my recollection. So, I'm going to assume you have to be half-crazy, a li'l schitzo and a borderline genius to do such things. So anyway without futher ado; the meeting of the minds, Zat & Ronin meet Sensei. Sensei; Zat & Ronin. This should be a really good read...(if done properly)

(All letters are simple to understand; we know who each is.)

"S: hello, gentlemen; I'm glad that you could make it.
Z: no big; I wasn't busy; the comic will be there
R: yup yup.
S: well, lets get the formalities out of the way; Zat I'm sure you're aware of why your here
Z: yes, we've been in a jam before, and I'm always willing to help things go a lot smoother.
S: Ronin; since this is your first time here; I'll explain the formalities; usually I call a meeting of this nature with Zat just so I can get a second opinion or a different view on things; but things have gotten dire in my situation so, I need a third opinion.
R: I understand; I'm honored you contacted me for the meeting; I've been wondering when you were going to have it; you've been stressed the fuck out these last few days.
S: yeah man, its been rough...
Z: so, Sei; what's on your mind; what's goings on with you?
S: welp; to start, this job is gettin on my last fuckin nerve and I can't just leave, because I need the money. I mean you know dan's been pushin me for this Primerica shit; but I'm not feeling it just yet
R: man, look I don't trust that primerica shit; it takes too long to get started. Yeah the money is good but the sacrifice in the beginning is too much for my taste.
Z: yeah, but you can roll with it and keep a steady income or paycheck at the same time; and when the cash flows bounce out the job
S: fuck all that, I'm no fuckin with it until I can afford failure.
R: or you could take the risk, he is offering you a great reward in the long run
S: too many unknowns; yall both know I like to be sure the cash flow is comin
Z: you're right; but keep an eye on it, you've known that dude since yall were like 6; second family and all, he knows his financials; just keep an eye on it.
S: I'm well aware; that's why I haven't given up on the whole thing yet.
Z: clearly you had that already figured out before we even sat down at the triangluar table; what's really goin on kid?
R: and don't tell me its some shit due to lack of fun; or I wouldn't be here at all.
S: well, it goes like this; I think, I've kept my personal shell & guard up so long that I've become isolated and alone in the world.
R: I told you to stop with the shell shock shit; it always comes up
S: yeah, I know but its my nature, celestially; you know I'm a believer of the star characteristics of a person
Z: dude that's not the point. You've talked to me about this 'shell' nonsense once before, and I told you something along these lines would happen
S: I know
Z: apparently you didn't
R: if you did you would have listened the first time; and then the time we spoke on it.
S: I tried to take care of the situations myself never asking for help; trying to take on all problems from myself, and helping the burdens of others like atlas
R: and that's why your shell is caving and it seems that all the world is turning its back
Z: when help everyone, but won't go anywhere when you need it the most; will tear your trust psyche apart; and what ends up happening is...
S: ...the closest people get pushed away, because they feel that you can't trust them with anything.
R: you already knew...
S: yeah, it happened before; close friends, I never told them my issues and they just stopped talking to me, or I did something to disrespect our friendship, and had to end up rebuilding; almost from scratch.
Z: see what happens when you want to be alone?
S: I don't want to be alone; I long each day for the feeling of love and to be with someone
R: you have that...
S: ...had as of right now
R: come again?
S: I'll explain in a min.
R: ...alright, but anyway you had that and what did you do?
S: I was afraid; stone scared to believe it was really there
Z: Grandma Syndrome?
S: yes.
R: dude...we both told you to drop that a long time ago. Back before you even graduated...
Z: that was 10th grade; nothing is going to change that anymore; you keep the guard you'll never realize something fuckin spectacular when it comes along and stares you in the eyes.
S: I know...I just...its..I've never really had anyone to sit and just let it all out too, I was worried that it might scare them away from me, even at grief counsling. Which I went to because I couldn't talk to moms.
R: Lauren loves you; did you ever talk to her about it?
S: I tried; but I couldn't bring myself to put a burden like that on her heart and mind.
R: boy; that girl loves you with everything she has. Why would you keep something of that nature and importance away?
S: fear? Doubt? Regret? Idk worry, maybe. Iono what it was that was hindering; but its gone now.
Z: how do you know for sure?
S: its simple; I play hard on the exterior and everyone can see the bullshit that I put up as a deterant or shield or whatever; but with her its like my bullshit shield is nulla and void, and she can see clean through it, like it doesn't exist. Which is a big attraction point; because through the bullshit w/ everybody else I can't be myself how I want; but with her its like, I can let the geek/nerd muscles free and just be smart, and nerdy and enjoy the simplest things. When I accepted that, I gave her my heart. And I told her she had it, which meant to me that she was my world and I lived for her from that moment on. This was back in '06 right when I moved to fla. We grew closer together; had a few spats; but I never felt the need to keep a hardened hart around her, which left me vulnerable. I never intended for either of us to get hurt, or have something happen, I can't get over the thought that she's going to be my wife and the mother of my kids.
R: that wasn't simple, nigga
S: df up; in other words: I gave her my all, and I became open to my feelings again.
Z: couldn't have
S: I was..
Z: no, you weren't because if you were truely open, this whole situation wouldn't be happening.
S: maybe you're right
R: ain't no maybe nigga; he is and you know it. You can only keep telling yourself your giving your all, and holding even just the smallest amount back, and expect the small amnt not to get to you, or for her to figure it out. That's where the showing of the flashes of greatness came from; she could tell there was something missing.
S: you know better than me, that I'm not a vocally affectionate person
Z: so you use what your best at; problem solving, creativity and solution oriented thinking to give her reasons to understand you or even bear with you until you do switch coasts. Don't say you're going to do one thing, keep at it, and then slip into an old habit just out of insecureties. She's your ... she's there to help you through tough shit like that, if anything tell her the insecureties and deal with them together, turn them into secureties.
S: yeah your right...
R: no shit; he's blind, he doesn't have time to see things at face value, he is the deeper meaning.
S: and your the lone wolf, why do you have such insight
R: its simple, I chose to be the lone wolf, so its easier for me to understand both sides and help figure out solutions.
S: ok, so where were you before?
R; here the whole time.
S: yeah...
R: you just never made it a point to ask anybody for help, and now your stuck on the ledge w/ very little margine for error. She knows you love her, she knows you care about her; I can't speak for her, but one can only hope that the talks of you two getting married still linger in her mind. The love and affection is still there, she's not doing wrong by you, and you still have the phone. Your not out of her life. Its just something that's confusing for us to understand because of the weight of the relationship and the situationals behind it all.
Z: you know damn well, when we're on nothing can compare to the love that we share. and there's nothing that I can think of that's going to just force her to break her promises to you. Yall are young; whole lives ahead of you, what's one mth apart if you both want to get back together.
S: as much as I love her? One month is an eternity. Every moment with her felt like time stood still for us, and that everything was centered. Without her, things have slowly crumbled around me.
Z: dude. You're not listening right now; peep, the situation stands that she's not with you, not out of spite, but for ease of explanation, so chillax. You know your both wanting to get back, you both long for it, put the guard down, and relax. The whole damn family loves you --
R: the ones who matter
Z: -- yeah the ones who matter, the members of your family whom she knows and talked to love her; your friends have told you that the couple is perfect, and you've relayed the message. Stop thinking so damn hard.
S: yeah, I dig you on all of that, but to me, I'd give up EVERYTHING right now just to have her back in my life.
R: everything, like...?
S: dude everything, my life as it stands here, I'd abandon my family, my friends, my job, all of it, poof. Just to have her back. She was my happiness, and without her; I could be surrounded by everything and it wouldn't matter. You don't realize it do you?
R: dude don't give us that; your comic story line is based loosely off of your relationship with her. You sit and compare the relationship to tv couples because you have moments that remind you of yall when watching...I know
S: ok then I don't need to go on.
Z: nope. What we can do now, is throw our last phase into action, and just wait patiently. Agreed?
S & R: Agreed.
Z: so, anything else?
S: welp, I'm enjoying the freedom of the house with jim, a little peeved that I usually have to clean everything, but that's cool
R: it happens, it'll be aight.
S: yeah I know.
R: I liked that change blog, too dude
Z: yeah man shit was very well put together
S: thx, I've been overdue for blogging anyway. So much on my mind.
Z: yeah dude, I believe you and she's your future, its just going to take a second to get back to where you where.
R: have you talked to her yet?
S: been wanting to; but I can't force her, all I can do is ask.
R: this is true, too much pressure will bust the pipes;
Z: just chill the hell out. How was the weekend
S: weekend was fuckin awesome. Chilled with the boy got fat and relaxed. It was almost like a mini vacation from everything.
Z: so your glad you went?
S: yes, it was a weekend well spent; and I even found a faster ride up now that I ran back into adam.
R: good money.
S: very. But now I'm back to the daily grind, and I really don't have much else to say...I'm just glad I could get your help.
R: who knows you better than you?
S: yeah, I guess your right, I mean shit, where is the advice-giver supposed to go when he needs help and doesn't have his own mother to turn to? Introspective!!
Z: shutup nigga; if you weren't borderline crazy this would NOT have worked.
S: whatever, I ain't crazy; just an only child, develpmental stages were a bit different.
R: yeah whatever, you spoke to yourself as three different entities just to work out a problem.
Z: which did work
S: who else was I to turn to?
R & Z :anybody?
S: certain people give shitty advice, especially when they turn to me most of the time anyway.
Z: I'm aware, the best advice I can give you is to just chill, things will work out.
S: never will I give up; thx for the time gentlemens.
Z & R: anytime bro."

So like...its totally not hard for me to do something like that, but I do know where my friends lie and I appreciate those who have helped me, the rest of you are worthless fucks. I'll be around, but not for anything important.

Hari-Kiri or Slow Death by Music or The Worst Pain is Self-Inflicted

Wow, Sensei; you have a triple title this time? Wtf is really goings on? Can we help? Sorry students, this is something Sensei & his ... must work out on their own; interestingly tho; his ... can't seem to be alone. Its not that Sensei can't deal with the problems; but its that usually when he's having problems he would go to his ... and she might not know the problem, but it will give him a release so that he didn't have to swim as deep in his own thoughts; escape from the problem only to return with a perfect solution. Its just at this moment the problem, I guess you can call it resides deep in his own self-reliance and aura. I took a look in the mirror the other day, and what I saw wasn't pretty; well uglier than normal. Kid's face was rather long; aura on the outside looked as if the storm of the century was brewing; eyes more dull than a mud-caked pair of shoes; the last hint of hope clinging to the back of the spirit with all its might; the faintest winds could blow and end it all. Some days the face brightens, some days the hope pulls itself up to bicep level and is relaxed with both arms; the aura is a shimmering off-white, and other days its almost as if the Dementors from the prisons of Azkaban have came and gotten a hold of me. I know, I know that's some dark shit to think and ponder; and you might not even get the gist of what I'm saying yet. So, here, put these on, fresh pair of Sensei's and take a short road trip:
As a person, I found that I was delightfully entertained by music at a young age; which every little kid is, but when I was like 10+ I started to listen to classic music by great artists such as The Isley Brothers; Anita Baker; The Commodores; Smokey Robinson & The Miracle; Patti LaBelle, et cetra. So since that was the soundtrack to my formative years, and I couldn't sing, I became more in tune with poetic expression or just expressing personal feelings through outlets of words and music. So I became a what I like to call a musicologist, which is the practical application of music to daily life & thought processes. So, I've always been a firm believer of the 'softer' side of life, yanno love, happiness, soul mates joy pleasure yadda...welp, I always took the time out to turn to music when I need something; usually as a beginning outlet so I can express myself through words, wether is writing a poem or escaping into a second reality w/ a short story or fiction work. On the flip side I would apply songs to the same sense of my happiness and greater good moods, partying w/ house music; emersion in jazz and lyrical raps. And the expression of my feelings through the usage of different artists expressions. in other words; when a song plays; I throw myself at the mercy of the bars and lyrics. So it hasn't been an easy ride on the coaster of life, being that my favorite genre is r&b and I stand at the corner of senitivity and emotion on a daily basis.
Which in turn explains why I broke my first iPod, deleted my entire r&b mp3's before and destroyed two very well put together r&b mix cd's. Its all well and good because there was a turning point; something special hit in june of 06 and actually start reconsidering how I took the application of songs; special moment it was in aug of 06 when I realized I was right and I could listen to 'overjoyed' by stevie wonder and know exactly what he was talking about. Its a good feeling to have...fast forward, and right now it seems that the thrill is gone, and the sunshine has left right along with her. To be honest; I'm goin down cause she's not around and my whole world is upside down, its like while these 336hrs and counting pass, its like I'm going in circles; and there's something in my heart that has me hooked on her; I need her bad like the air I breath but I can't seem to get past being the exfactor right now; and even though she knows noone loves me more than her, she can't seem to understand that I care for her more than she can ever seem to grasp. Between the two of us; its going to take some understanding, and I promise that I'll stay true, to the point that every little step I take is for her; I can't leave her alone, for reasons beyond my comprehension I'm feenin for her love. And she already should know by now that I'll never make a promise that I can't keep, and being that the hope is she'll read this, I'm prepared to start back at one.
Say what you want about Sensei going soft, but I disagree; usually its an outsider who hasn't been in the same predicament or hasn't felt the same way that I have who seems to have an underlying comment about our situation and that I'm wrong for keeping hope for the two of us. If you've ever had a serious conversation about me in refrence to my entire relationship with her, you know I did some fuckery before and it was unexcusable and the fix was created, somehow just by a band-aid we stayed together. Now we're here at a crossroads, we both believe in our love and we both believe in our future, simply because of privatized discussions; tough fuckin month I'm finishin out, but in my eyes heart mind body and soul I have a feeling that before the end of sept things will change; for the better with the two of us. So I'll leave this disclaimer to anyone who reads this, and if I wasn't on a sidekick I'd put it in size 16, bold, italicized super color so it stands out; but I can't so I'll say it twice.
I am not giving up on the two of us, and I don't believe that this is over, so unless you have positive feedback, don't talk to me about it; or I will erase you from my mind. Don't bother trying to tell me that this isn't necissary, because we both know relationships have pitfalls. If there is nothing positive to be said to me in regards to me, her or us; you'll be dead to me. I have faith in me and her; I believe in miracles and happiness, and I will always love her.
-ahem-
I am not giving up on the two of us, and I don't believe that this is over, so unless you have positive feedback, don't talk to me about it; or I will erase you from my mind. Don't bother trying to tell me that this isn't necissary, because we both know relationships have pitfalls. If there is nothing positive to be said to me in regards to me, her or us; you'll be dead to me. I have faith in me and her; I believe in miracles and happiness, and I will always love her.
So, that's been the thought process for the last few days; and as of right now I feel less heavyheaded; heart still hurts tho; and I'm still sick, yes love-sickness does exist. I'll be writing a lot more...get cha reading glasses ready.

(Oh, to answer the question that you probably have; the term hari-kiri is Japanese for suicide. Take that how you want, my titles are always self explanitory.)

Summer's Swan Song or Why I Prefer My Shell

"'Tis the season" isn't that what they say during Christmas when they expect you to be happy, I do believe so...well it ain't that season aparently. Lets change the meaning shall we? Lets :)

The Summertime definitions of 'Tis the Season':
-Of change: Seemingly everybody decides they want to do something different now, since school's out and its lighter longer...
Now don't you sit there and act brand new like you don't know somebody who has changed in some way during the three hawt months. I call it the season of change, not the season of good or bad change. People change all the time, this is true, but from my observences, it seems to happen more during the summer. Some people begin to change in like april with the flowers, it may be subtle, but it ends up snowballing into something big, for example: someone could have issues with immaturity; small issues but issues none the less; and starting in may, you'll see something subtle with a change, maybe take on a few more responsibilities or something of that nature; and by the end of july you start to see a big differece, with things like taking responsibility for the actions they do, and such. Now...before you say: "awl Frank, nigga you crazy, I ain't never seen that in somebody" it was just an example homeskillitaiton. An amazing side note; I made the mose awesome damn blue kool aid this morning. Its like...perfection in a pitcher. It was great. Anyway; back to the change, on the flip side some people are known to go on a Clark Kent-ish type change, one day they have their ways and the next day totally different person, and yes you've seen that style too; its a lot easier to recognize, because its usually something drastic. but, as it stands for my 22yrs on the planet I have to say "birthday change" is possibly the best style change ever. Simply because 83.7% of the time you don't see the change coming until its too late, which may or may not necissarily be a bad thing, it just surprises the fuck outta you. One day things are honky-dory and then sha-BAMPF! Whole new person. Didn't see it coming, didn't expect it, wasn't prepared, no time to study, just a hello! Pop quiz time, can you handle me after my birthday? Interestingly, this isn't slated for just one particular gender, but EVERYONE goes through the birthday change, I've done it, my best friend has done it, his "I wish they would get together so the shit can stop" girlfriend has done it. My mom, stepdad, stepmom, girlfriend, her friends, people in the hood. Everybody has the birthday change. Is it better? Is it worse? Psh, its a surprise; hell its so surprising that the changee doesn't even know its happening until they take a retrospective peek into the recent past, and see for themselves; sometimes they may say: oh I changed for the better; or it might be a change for the worst who knows...nobody that's who!

-of Singularity: So like; summer is totally an awesome time of self rediscovery, self awareness and self reliance. That's awesome, but I've notices that a lot of people I know who happen to be in relationships seem to go through the toughest time keeping themselves composed through the hot summer months, temptation is a bitch, and if you can't attest to that being a factor of truth, just take a look at your best friends; do a quiet observation on anybody who hasn't been in a relationship longer than 6mths and the summer hit. I can name several examples of people who struggled just because dudes only wear beaters or chicks throw on the dukes. Its a tough challenge for any one with a weak will to overcome the temptations. Its fun to watch the weaker ones mishandle the challenges, especially when expierience is on your side, and things of a simple nature come to visualization its actually fun to do a little play-by-play when the inexpierienced are floundering; especially when offering coaching and advisory. Good news though, if the student learns from the coaching factors, its quite rewarding to see the fruits of the patience and help paying off when summer is over and september hits and the budding relationship grows a little stronger. Bad news is, a lot of relationships can't sustain over the summer, and then a lot of single people are rebirthed and come out a little less trusting because something happened to them in their relationship that caused a major switch in their trust level and faith in sustaining a relationship, which leaves them stuck in a "singularity is the best position to be in" mindset for a goo whilea good while...6mths or longer, pending on how much time and care was placed into the situation.

-of Reconciliation: Through all of the destruction summer does bring there's always that hope that something good will come out of it; and if the summer experience is as high as others may be, then summer may just bring you limitless joy and happiness that a lesson was learned most likely causing general self reassurance and a general overall 'I feel good' moment or 6. What makes the "feel good" moments so good is partially based on what the catalyst was; and how it interracted with the situation.

I'm just glad this summer, personally was one of my better birthdays spent. July sucked as usual, and the verdict is still out on august. Lets put things into perspective for those who forgot what Sensei is about:

So, I have the most amazing girlfriend in the world; you might think that's an over-exaggeration; but the funny thing is, it just might be an understatement. Its not. The things she has done for me are immeasureable; and the fun we've had together is unfathomable; unless you've been there. I think what makes our situation more than great is the fact that I've had people, whom I haven't spoken to in a good while; tell me that they are in 'awe' or 'envious' of our relationship, or how our relationship gives them hope that they too will find themselves something as good as ours. People whome I never would have thought were paying that much attention to me and my babe, and even some who surprised me totally, with a new hope that they will find something that can compare. To me I think the best example of that would have to be Lauren's best friend saying to her; that "she wishes she could find a guy like Frank" (that's me) even as much as she spites me, and how much she may be against me, I am hoping that she can find a good person to treat her well, she's my baby's homie she deserves to be done right as well. I'm digressing again. I went to cali twice; never been before in my life, and I'll admit I was scared outside of my mind, both times; the first I was nervous comin down LAX's escalator because I was worried that she wasn't going to be there, and she was, went from a good flight to an awesome 5 days in october. Eventhough I slept through our first date, curse you jetlag!! Our second, third and fourth dates (which never left the house) were quite possibly the most fun & fattening I've ever had. But I think the fifth date was our most special. We stepped out to an amusement park, I was becoming sick due to climate changes and we still had a great time; it was fun, because of small things that happened between us; yanno stuff like a $10 voucher in the park being enough money for the two Li'l Piggies to eat a good meal. Feeding each other pizza & salad and sharing a sprite. All the while making the other 3 at our table jealous, and the people at the surrounding area as well...(hey, Lauren I know your going to read this; can I draw the Hawaiian Islands on your chest? Lmao.)
So things were a little rough on the return home, I didn't want to leave; she didn't want me to go, stupid work & obligations; anyway I touched back in fla, and I think our time spent together strengthened us more than anything. December came, and I gave her two very large pieces of my being; as well as a letter explaining why I did. She couldn't understand why, I explained, it was simple; three words bigger meaning between us than mirriam-webster & roget's thesaurus all combined. I love you. It wasn't any other way for me to explain it. So, ffwd a few mths and as sort of a return valentines gift, I received a new phone and a brand new plan. Huzzah for Monthly! But, it wasn't the phone that was the surprise and the heart melting 'aww' moment; it was when I opened the phone and I had one measly contact in my address book; it said: "P-Nutt" and in sidekicks, you can put a note with your phone contacts; the note reads:

"I LOVE YOU BABY! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! I WISH WE COULD'VE SPENT IT TOGETHER, BUT NEXT YEAR WE WILL. HUGS KISSES AND BABIES IN THE FUTURE! MUAHHH! <3!"

That note alone as enough to make me realize there ain't another soul in the grandure that is our blessed universe for me. There wasn't a maybe next year, it was a guarantee.
I hated florida, and she knew it, could hear it in my voice, see it in the way I would react to things and even how my face was down when I was leaving on the flight from cali in oct. I moved back to de, and still wasn't quite happy yet, and she could tell. But I think the key moment for us was the june situation. I had sort-of proposed to her on many different occasions verbally, fontually, textually, and idk if she took them serious or not, but I meant 'em, and there was a point, while I was living in the most negative place on earth, that I told her I wanted to get out of dodge, and move west; we were in perfect harmony with it. Knowing the idea wouldn't come to fruition immediately giving us time to plan and to work out the financial kinks and small nuances that needed to be handled before one person can completely abandon his general safe zone of living arangements. Not to mention the mental prep a woman would need to adjust before living with her boyfriend.
Anyway, our original birthdy plans were scrapped due to lisa and her general care and overprotectiveness of my babe, I wasn't upset, we just had to adjust for the situation; so I flew west once more. I think it was the greatest trip I ever had; capped off by a slightly conspicuous beginning, by my ass missing the original flight. But when I landed we couldn't keep our hands away from each other, I even think brit became a little jealous and nauseated at the same time; sorry best homie; I missed my girlfriend. For 7 days we kicked it, like 6 David Beckhams, most fun I've ever had; I'm torn between the aquarium trip we took where she was all "omg ewww the stingray is so gooey" but touched it anyway and the time we spent in blockbuster trying to figure out which movie to get. ('Babe look! Its "The Urban Ninja"! "Boy, put that down, it looks like two niggas filmed it with a video camera on the back strets of Chicago.") After we left blockbuster; we went to subway; I think it was funny cause we watched Juno and were both about to birth twin food babies. Go figure. Mm...sex on the living room floor...Damn it, Brina!! So...it was time for me to come home, and I was oh so close to missing my flight for 3 days straight, just so I could spend more time with her. We had the best moments of our short, long relationship in june, but something happened, something odd. And it started with july and myself. As much as I love that girl, something switched in me, I did the pre-documented superman change, and it went haywire. The whole situation was subconcious and I didn't realize what I was doing, soon; long work conversations turned to short work arguments, loving night time phone calls turned to angry I'm going to sleeps...now. One can say, the entire month of july wasn't all bad, we had great laughs still, but I'm convinced that because we had to steal away from each other after we formed the bond and strengthen our connection, something went fritz-ish. We made it to august. And our anniversary hit, and I felt like a complete piece of shit. My girlfriend for two years and I couldn't even afford to get her a card; now, its not to say I couldn't have planned better; budgeted right and made it happen, but I was procrastinating, I was being foolish, I always said: oh, eh I'll get it tomorrow; knowing I'd end up saying the same thing...who really knows what was going through my mind, especially after everything we have and have been through; (dad wanted to throw hands; as we'll as jealous fat nigga at universal studios) and how much issues we've dealt with in such a short time. Consider this an 'I'm Sorry' to my girlfriend. Consider this a realization that the best thing I have is teetering on the brink of confusion. And I'm starting to understand why.
The title was "why I prefer my shell" but the funny thing about it is its the complete opposite of that, because everything I've mentioned is the antithisis of me having a shell. I used to do my best to keep everything out; I then let her in, but I was afraid prior to 2008; now she's in and what I considered my deepest fear; of loving to much and to have it all crumble because of something I've done, or didn't do, is starting to rear its bastard-ass head...
In the last few mths, I've lost my best friend, grew stronger with my girl, and just when I was prepared to make her my best and push him away...I screwed up. Lets hope I can turn this around so I won't be alone and scared to love anymore...
Do I want to lose her? Psh...no. Can I make better strides to show hwe that? Fuck yeah. Will she let me...