Banzai Trees & Koi Ponds or The Purpose of Meditation

Yes, I know my title was a mouthfull, but it actually describes the blog very well; on a positive note, I plan on getting two books and an actual banzai tree sometime in the near future. The books have to do with Tai Chi & Buddhism; two good introspectives that involve heavy meditation and self awareness. It'll help that li'l demon I have inside. Ok so its not that li'l; but you catch the drift. Its a lot of good that would come from me doing something I told myself a looong time ago I was supposed to do. I've been wanting a Banzai tree ever since I see Mr. Miagi tend to his in Karate Kid 1&2. Its the general concept behind the tree that I find I am drawn to. Patiently; I must water, prune, and take care of it. Can't rush the beauty of a banzai tree. It also has a lot to do with something I am missing; or need an improvement on, my patience as a reaction point of first response. I've been quick to flare up a lot recently, which is out of my character, but I don't exactly know what the catalyst is, because its been something different every time, so far. I've been told by 4 people the same thing; be patient; the first I should have listened too a long time ago when it was first mentioned; but now I've dug a hole and I don't have any rope. I m,ust be patient. Its killing my natural order; because with being patient takes the control out of my hands; and I am not quite used to this scenario, I'm used to having a stake in what's going on at all times, so then I could be in some sort of control if chaos ensues. So, yes, I must be patient and I must develop that; which is slowly but surely coming around, but it ain't going as fast as it needs to right now. On the flip side of the scenario; I also must work on my understanding. Eventhough it was as high as it was when dealing in direct with people; it was missing the key factor of 'understanding without knowing' which is probably the hardest way for me to understand something. Simply because I'm used to inquiring and figuring out from deducement or just general answers; but I do believe the change needs to be made. I said in previous blogs & letters; that I would do anything to be with her, and now I must put that into action. Wait patiently in the wings; and cherish the time you do have.

"Hello, Sei; you know I have a thought on this right?"
Of course Zat; but urm...you couldn't have waited until I finished writing?
"No, it has to do with where your thoughts are right now."
Alright; what's the good word?
"What happened this week; you don't have to express it, we already know, but think about what happened this week. Like, seriously stop what your currently thinking about and think about this week."
Uh...ok...
"Now what have we learned from those retrospectives?"
She knows, --
"Pfft nigga the universe knows; be more specific."
That I do care, even as of now; I still look in to make sure things are ok; to see how work and school went; even if its only for just a second; I ask, and fall away back to the shadows.
"Ok, and what does that show?"
Dedication
"Good; anything else?"
As per her request; patience.
"Right, and what does that show?"
Well as of right now, since its something that is developing in me, a willingness to do what is asked.
"Good. Anything else?"
Self Second.
"Go on;"
I have been being a selfish person at times; and even though I put her first, I might not have been selfless. #1 in my thoughts and heart, but at times not always number one in my mind; I would blame the OCM; but that would jusr be a way of taking the blame off of myself or trying to make excuses for something I have total control over.
"OCM?"
Only Child Mentality; me first, you second, or if I like you you 1-a
"Yeah...you need to get rid of that."
Like I said, I'm not using it as an excuse, there are no excuses. It was all simply me.
"Good, so not only are you learning what she's trying to tell you; you're adapting to what's around you and taking what others are saying too."
Yes. Evolution.
"Well, you're duces now, so its about damn time that you did."
Yeah, shaddap, just cause your old and we split time, does not mean that I automatically know everything. and technically if it wasn't for me, things would be a whole lot more...rigid.
"Yes, but now is the time to do things the way you know they need to be done"
True, true.
"Yeah, but you are still very, very impulsive...aren't we out $250 right now?"
Mhm, on a whim too...
"I told yo ass not to."
Don't care, I still got a few more days.
"Chalk it, its only money."
Fair enough. But uhh...can I get back to writing this now?
"Yeah sure, I just needed to pop up to remind you of some things"
Much ablighed Zat; you know when you'll be back.

Sorry, avid readers; sometimes the interior does pop up to make sure things are kool moe dee. Anyway, yes; I am patiently waiting and no, I haven't given up on anything; but, because of her request I must take the time to think about every step I am making in dealing with the current situation; instead of lowering my head and charging in with no regard for human life. I did say in the beginning that I was going to look at Tai Chi, so clearly the world's eyes are looking at me like I'm crazy wondering when I was going to mention that. Tai Chi is quite possibly the second most relaxing thing a person can do for themselves outside of yoga and deep meditation, with the practice of Tai Chi it teaches you to slow down; as well as think about every move so that you can glide effortlessly through your thoughts. Now what I am hoping to gain from the study, along with patience is; understanding. I just heard the collective audience go: "huh?" let me explain. Since Aug, I've been thinking a lot. More than I usually do, and instead of circumventing and thinking about everything at once, I honed in my brain's focus and just looked at us. Anyone who knows my thought patterns knows what I mean when I say I decided to focus my thinking. It allows me to take one part of a situation and look at it in depth from all sides of that particular angle. What I have picked up from this particular stop-and-study was something that should have occured to me a loooooooooooooooong time ago, long before august and long before june. I would slip &nd flip. There were three stages of my relationship, and I didn't realize what I was doing;
›The first stage was what I call "wifey"; La was/is my girlfriend and I told her I want to marry her, and that I would do anything for her, and I would show that, more often than not, if I was to give it a number, I would have to say roughly 83% of the time. Which in terms of numbers is a good amount of time, showered with the attention, not thinking of anyone but her; catering to her every need; being there all the time, and even knowing to be there before she was aware that she needed me at the time. Even threw in a few surprises here and there.
›Stage two was what I call "girlfriend"; its almost the same circumstances as wifey except it was a small downgrade, nothing too noticeable but it was there if there was something that was better all the time. I would enter into stage two roughly 10% of the time; which isn't to say its a bad thing, it was just not the norm. GF is considered the 'ok we're together, but I'm insecure, so I ask questions' stage. Its not a good stage, but there weren't any bad notions from it; things were split, eventhough I wasn't anticipating the bad times or waiting on her every whim, I was always there; without a shout of a doubt loyal. Never wavered in anyway from her, but there was still the nagging insecurities; which sometimes would overpower and lead into stage three
›The "really cool chick" stage is the stage that was an involuntary and direct result of the insecurities from stage 2; now clearly the percentage of this stage is rather small; somewhere around 7. This stage is quite possibly the worst stage that I could allow myself to succumb to, especially with as much will power I have; and the amount of self control. Let me explain; in the wifey stage, a persuer of La whom she told me about would get a laugh; and then an immitation of what he said; followed by us sharing laughter. In stage 2, said persuer was met with concern and worry; stage three met the same scenario with a bit more disdain and jealousy of said persuer, and led to a more detrimental series of questions instead of simply asking in a caring way. In stage one, simple outtings were met with calm responses and laughter filled texts; stage two, concern & a few 'who is it' questions and more urgent texts, borderline smothering; stage three, was again more detrimental, adding more stress and demanding more of her than the other two. Even though stage one was 83 and stage three was 7; the magnitude of the 7 had enough weight to overpower stage one and two; which explains why certain things went unmentioned, topics were left untouched, and thoughts went unexplained. Now within these stages, there also happend to be three versions of myself that would show through. Simply put a selfless, her first; a selfless but cautious; and a selfish 'me me me me' version; the problem with this was, that as good as v1 and v2 were, the poor showing of v3 would always stick out in the mind because there were things that happened during the v3 stage that anyone would look at and say: "what the feezie?" So the problem with the fact that there were three stages of me was that it brought about two stages of her; stage one, the "bodyguard" stage, yanno, 'and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeiiiiiiii will always love youuuuuuuuhoooooo-oh' [/whitney houston] and the "wtf smh" stage which when in said stage, things didn't matter, and it usually lasted as long as my stage 3 was around...

"Hello, again."
Yes, sir?
"What took you so long?"
What's that?
"To see the stupid shit you were doing"
I don't know, can I finish this thought and your interjections will be more than welcome...
"Sure; continue."

So, the problem would arise in this nature: 1+2 = :](1), then 1+3 = ;/ (2,go away) then, 1+1+1+2 = ;[ (almost 1) then, 1+1 = 1 ;];]]:*:* (iLy, iLy2) then 3+2 = 2 (I need space) then 1+2 = ? then 1+1=1 & (an awesome feeling) and it coasted into a 2+3 scenario because things became estranged, a few factors were incorporated, and it became 3x3+2 = 2+2 and 3x3+1+2 = *ugh* or to make that simpler: eventhough stage 3 was the less ventured feelings and thoughts it far outweighed the other two and forced a counter-balance or a defense shield to appear. The difference between this one, and the previous defense, is that inorder for it to fall, 3 must be destroyed, and 1 needs to be boosted from 90% to a solid 110%.
At this point, I'm almost certain that all the eyes on this page are crossed and brains have shut down; so allow me to reboot. In order for things to fall back into place, 'selfish, jealous, dickhead" must end up in the Christiana River, with a slit from his juggular to his aorta. The problem with doing something of this magnetudem is not the difficulty of the situational and subsequential death; its finding a way to express and show beyond a shout of a doubt that he is officially dead, gone, incinerated & scattered across five counties. There is no definitive way to show that the demon is exercised, but there are steps to be shown and things that can be placed in areas as hints to he is gone. For example, one of my previous blogs was written out of anger Anti BBBFS, and I wrote it almost a year ago. I honestly have to say that my opinion on and in that blog has changed. So things aren't exactly copasetic, but the afforementioned isn't a bad person; just misunderstood by one, and misguided by another. Signals were crossed and things did not start well; consider this a formal yet encompassing appology to Britney for the wrong vision I took on her stances.

"What made you say that?"
Something hit me like a ton of feathers; call it an epiphany, but it made sense.
"Explain..."
She said she wants the best for Lauren, and that she wanted one like me, but her opinion changed after I left, so clearly something I was doing was not kosher.
"Ok,"
So, it dawned upon me that she is not an enemy of the state, but an ally to the actual cause. Keeping an enemy of an ally for something you and her both want is not a good idea.
"So your hoping to accomplish what?"
Nothing really, I personally wanted to clear the air between me and her, I honestly don't want any bad juju.
"What prompted this, do you have an ulterior motive?"
No, not necissarily an ulterior motive; but its something that's been on my head for a few days; its my heart's best friend, and something happened to her, I personally wouldn't feel right if I didn't clear the air
"Word, word"
So, I decided to offer the olive branch. Between me and b, we're aiming for the same goal, but we're butting heads to get something that we both feel is rightfully deserved.
"I like that, I see I'm rubbing off on that impulsive, brash that you have within"
Yeah, this is true, but you know better than I, that it still lingers for when the time is needed.
"Yes but you are learning an upgraded version of humility"
Right, but...
*unison* "its not up to us to accept what we are showing"
Yes, I already know. These realizations could have come later, but other events could have happened as well.
"So, did you outline your offer to her yet?"
No...
"Df is you waitin for?"
Idk...
"Get to spillin it. Ahora!"

Welp, since I was directed; I have this thought in my head; I mean as of right now, its just a brainstorm session inside of a swirl-pool of ideas for various other things, but for some reason when I stick my feet in the pool, this one swirls to the top; and it stems from keen observations and general care. I would like for nothing more than to support her from now, until she finishes. I know, you guys again; "what the FEEZIE?!!!" but its not like I want to just pay for school or somethin and let her flounder; nah. My idea/unspoken offer is to reawaken her latent happiness, and hidden inner joy. La goes to work, one day out the week, school for four, and kicks it on her off nights. Now if she was about to go shopping shed just hit me and ask for whatever and it wuld be done. No questions no hastles. I know, I know: "but Sei, you live over here, and she's waaaaaaaay over there; that's no bueno; clearly I'd have to swap coasts; but as you know that's nothing for me. Neither is ensuring La's happiness. Contradictory; I'm aware, but as of now this idea is purely in the hypothetical stages, as well as the lack of stipulations and shit. That's the bare bones idea.

"Now how hard was that"
Not hard at all.
"So now what,"
Its out of our hands, almost totally.
"Think she'll read this?"
...

So anyway now that self has taken a backseat; its time to bring everything home. The koi pond and banzai tree are representitives of different ways I would have to treat my relationship with La in order for her to believe the words I'm saying to her. The meditation begets the understanding of her inner most thoughst. in the marathon, its not about what happens now; its about how we build on it together. I still believe that her and I are going to have a future together, I still believe in our marriage and procreation. I also believe that if she does come back then any other issues down the road, if any will be handled a much different way, than just silence and disassociation. Nothing would please me more than to hear her say the words: "ok, but lets just take it one day @ a time" I have no problems rebuilding our perfection together, as well as I lack the qualms involving doing whatever she requests of me. Its nothing of me to do for her, and she knows it. Its just a matter of how soon will she be ready to accept and welcome that feeling she once had; that 'hand me the world on a silver platter, it wouldn't even matter; because I ain't got nothing, if I can't have you" feeling back in her life. I have absolutely no issues with giving her everything and taking nothing from her. I will gladly return to my Lauren D. Sanders with no hesitaton and lack of any fear of anything. I want to take the leap with her...
Or in other words: she's got me goin in circles...oh oh oh 'round and 'round I go...
She is; the poem I cannot write, the story I can't complete. My muse and my vigor, everything to me, always will be...

Fate's Cousin or (Insert Clever Title Here)

Welp, Ancient Mystical Scrolls of the Future; things seem to be going well with us; I've gotte answers to questions I've been asking for a while; and yes they were what I suspected. So, I am on the right track, in the right direction but there's an obstruction on the track, so its sloooowwwwwed down to a snails pace. Its cool, cause even a snail gets to where he's going eventually, he just has to be patient. Problem is, as cool as the snails pace is, I have the patience of a humming bird. I do want her to come back; but I don't want to rush anything, and I don't want her to feel that something is going to go awry...I know she wants that feeling back, and I know I can give it to her; but at this moment, she's afraid, dipped into her shell; and all I'm asking right now is that she takes my hand in full faith & flies with me to neverland; not the ranch, but where pete pan and the lost boys stay...I want nothing more than to see the smile back on the face; hear the melodious tone when she wakes up, the angellic chorus of laughter when we're watching something funny, and the soothing sounds of the snores before sleeping; alliteration aside; I want nothing more than the void that I have which is now bigger; to be fillled completely by her again. I offered her my hand in marriage before, but now I have offered up my soul, hopefully since she does see where our connection lies she will let me set up shop in her heart, and treat it like my own. Protect it like she desires; and fill her spirit with the same infinite joy and happiness she had before the confusion hit.
So, I've turned every which way but inside out trying to find some sort of solace and any type of explanation or direction as to what to do in this scenario, and so far; I've tossed a lot of people whom I thought were my friends to the wayside for the fact that they either didn't have any positive advice, or good advice to give; now, my friends offered me advice; and the closest ones gave me the real. Which is why I respect them more than anything. But even still I've faded into the shadows in my dealings with them; only a select few have been around through the saga so far. I've even distanced myself from my best friend, simply because he can't offer me any serious advice; and I'm honestly tired of hearing cry about the same thing over and over: "I need a girlfriend" but since he has a good woman sitting infront of him all the while he says this, I've given up on helping him with his situation. He's being stupid. Love him to death, but he's not turning 22 yet, he's turning 16 plus 6, ask me to explain, I might get on that in the next blog; I'm not sure yet. Ok anyway, so I've cut him out of my decision making and relationship discussions, because he's not even sure how he wants his love life to be set up, its funny because the jokes he makes about me and a few of the homies from the old hood actually show that he's jealous of us. My babe called me the last time I was up there when we were on our way to dave & busters, and he was simply laughing and making jokes, a very immature thing to do. Love him to death, but he's confused, and as much as me & J try to help him he can't seem to understand. Anyway, I'm digressing again. I love her and tonight, I think I read the most confusing words & statements when coupled with what I learned earlier in the week. Just to let you know, Students of the Craft; there is absolutely nothing that I wouldn't do for that girl. I know ,I know; I tend to exagerate a lot and use tons of hyperbole, but right now I'm so serious in what I'm saying there isn't much that could change my mind. The problem is isnce my mind is made up on joining the two forces in the universe that do belong and I'm insistant on returning our relationship prominance; I have to patiently wait for Kila to come around, now I've told her these exact statements on many different occasions; it just seems that at this particular moment she has a hard time coming to grips with what I'm saying. Eventhough straight from Kila's mouth she said she knows its right and that she knows we belong; I told her if she was afraid take my hand and I'll make sure everything is under control. What's funny is the way we were living before was two together, Lauren & Frank; but now I see that things were going the wrong way because we chose to let ourselves try and guide without the help of the other on either side. Neither one of us wants to do the other wrong, and neither one of us wants to see the other fail, but we do want total happiness and we both know the other has that for us. So what I do know is that when, yeah I said when we do get back; it won't be Lauren and Frank anymore it'll just be Frauren or Laurank or some other weird combination of our names that I don't feel like coming up with, but it will symbolize us as one being not two seperate entities. Dig? I know you do, that's why you're still reading, duh!
So like, its tough man, knowing there are things that are supposed to come about but I'm not one to rush; I'm a laid back person except with matters of my own heart and this is one of those time when I'm not sure if I want to push, because if I push too far it might fall; and that's something I don't want to happen. A quote:
"Perfection is something that is not achieved by one person, as much as they may try; perfection takes two, both of whom have to work equally as hard to see it through. It can only be achieved when both reach the Apex and decide there is something more to be discovered; that's when they hit the stride to perfection; because at that apex, all the world is in awe of how it looks, and are stuck in wonderment as to what could possibly come next. Jealousy is never too far behind, and will always play a part, but its when the jealousy starts overflowing into spite is when you know its achieved."

As of right now; I'm finished with this blog. My thoughts are the same, and la, I know you'll read this; there is no reason we should be apart right now, especially with what you know, and what we've been through thus far. We are support systems, besties not factored in; the things we had will be there, but the things we will have will dwarf them in comparisson all I ask of you; is to simply give me your hand and let us begin a new...





(Anybody else, feel free to comment with a second title, cause my brain is frazzled on it; as well as anything else you feel the need to say)

Jackson Family Duet...

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I just had to let that out; im sorry for blinding friends and such; but it was a much needed release. Stay posted for a forthcoming Skickblog...

I love her; dude. Nothing can change that...

Liquid Sodium & Soggy Pillows or Smiles & Cries

They tend to fall in this manner:
Swell...fall...roll...stop... ... ..drop
Swell..fall..roll..drop(x2)
...and then the stream begins to the point where its almost impossible to stop; like a slow drip from a faucet
The only thing that seems to slow it down, or stop it, is Dreamland, which becomes some what of an escape to the normal reality that is confusion and a blur; Dreamland is an automated response; it takes me back to happier times, almost like I'm a jumper, and I can see when I want to be; not where. Shall I explain? If you say yes, I got an open seat in this '85 DeLurean. If you say no; just shut up and ride anyway.
So, you would think, when one would mention time traveling; he would be speaking about a specific time in which he went and spent it with Lauren, in most cases, you'd be right; but in this particular case, I would actually have to change how you see it. There were things waaaay prior to the trips out that made me say; 'oh, yeah; I want to be with her' now on one of those occasions, it was her senior year; and I was kickin it in florida. We talked on the regular, and we even had a discussion about me becoming a prom date, but she was set on not going; which was cool. We spent countless nights on the phone, talking about odds and ends, homework and projects and such, not once spinning into a serious argument. So, saturday of senior week comes around, and she heads up to six flags; we had a discussion about me waiting for her to get home safe, and that the time zone would make it a bit harder for me to stay up and wait easily, because she was going to be in so late. I kept telling her I did not care. Welp, she goes, has a great time; and low and behold I'm up alllllll night, chillin sleepy as hell waiting; and 10am my time ticks in, and faithful as the day is long, a message from Lauren; 'I'm home safely, thank you for waiting; go to sleep now baby.' I told her I loved her and hit the sheets with a large smile on my face. Happy times. Tick tock, the days pass and many conversations are born we discuss a wiiiide range of topics from darfur to presidency to astro-physics to entertainment; laughing at the celebreality on vh1 and such. Another moment happens where she steps out with her best friend, and I say; I'm going to stay up and wait for you; repeat cycle from before. so, I get this cell phone, pre-paid; and I get the free nights and weekends; I would spend 8hrs a day m-th on the phone with La, because 11-7 is the freebie time, and I didn't have a headset to talk at work; so we would talk for hours on end, and so, @ 15 cents a min measured for about 4hrs is expensive, i would end up recharging the minutes to get to the weekend so when friday @ 9 rolled around, I could talk until monday morning @ 7 uninterruptedly and with no worries about disconnect due to low monies. So we sat one day and discussed our phone time:
"La: So I went to the tmo store today to pay my bill.
S: Right, right, how much was it? Do you need anything?
La: Nah, I'm good, but this is the thing; dude behind the counter had me rollin
S: How so?
La: He says; 'you have a 1000 minute myfaves plan, right; but you spend 9000 minutes on the phone with 'baby' '
S: Lmao, was he jealous?
La: I asked him, I said; 'what? Is that a problem? Are you jealous or something?' Dude said he wasn't, he just never seen so many minutes spent on one number before on anybody's bill
S: Psh; that nigga is jealous that he don't get to talk to you for 9,000 minutes a month."
We had an awesome laugh at that, simply because myfaves + free nights and weekends = unlimited talk time <3. So, tick tick and the different random convos keep flowing, about random old ladies who can't drive on the I-10 to stupid hoodrat bitches who wanted to be keyshia cole with their fucked up skittles colored hairstyles to the ever confining and rather annoying pressure being put on by our respective mothers at different times; leading us to believe they were secretly in cahoots with dolling out random shit for us to do. Surprise gifts were exchanged; I'll still never forget the phone call around vday 07; "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG; thannnnk youuuuu babyyyyyy, I loveeeeeee it" you're welcome sweetie, happy v-day, I love you. "*squeeze hand* 'I love you!' awwwww I'm gonna cry again, lisa is so jealous; lol" I bet she is, do you like it for real? "I love it!! Its hello kitty; and its got the purple outfit, and aww look at the birth certificate, her name is 'Peppy'; thank you sweetie; that was so sweet of you!!" it was nothing baby, I love you; I'll do anything for you.' That was quite possibly the best phone call I ever received in my life.
Boy, this time travel stuff shole is fun; (let me remind you this isn't in 100% chronological order tho; the memories are the same; just not in this exact order)
And to think; we haven't even seen each other; and we shared these unparalelled moments of joy between us like we were living around the corner; a quick poem for my memory:
The grains of sand
On all the beaches
Spanning all the land
Wouldn't come 63k inches
Of touching our hands...

...it Reaches
I wrote that on a spur; one night when I was sitting @ home, missing my la, hoping she would read it, and know that even though I was 3,000 miles away, across the country; I was one phone call away for anything. That thought hasn't changed; my sentiments haven't changed; my feelings haven't changed. I still will do anything for my La. I'm one call away; and now I can take the flights on a whim.
So, hopefully the smiles and memories brightened your day; cause they damn sure helped me a little bit.
But I do have to make use on my word; the cries are what deprive me of my sleep at night; and they wake me in the morning; my tear soaked pillow is my best friend right now; I hold conversations with other people, but at the end of the day, only my pillow hears everything that La won't let me tell her. The blog doesn't even know the things that the pillow does, and I'm feenin to tell my heart what the pillow knows, but I can't get the time to express it to her. She doesn't know the pains I go through; she won't let me express the deep sadness I suffer through at night. She can't see how bad she's hurting me by not even giving me an outside look...its like this; the pain I have in my body and the way my soul and heart cry out for her can not be matched by anything physical; or at least anything I could inflict upon myself that would leave me alive. Last night, I had to fight with myself to stop from breaking down into a total sobby mess while I was at work. I have to fight with it every day, but something just grabbed a hold of what's left and twisted with a force not seen since bruce banner transformed out of anger. there is a hole in the wall at the head of my bead where I lay every night, simply because one day I was consumed by anger and sadness and a teary outlet wasn't enough and I just let the anger burst outward, as the tears were flowing. Its no feasable way for me to explain the pain that I have; but I can say this for a sort of bright spot, I still have the unmeasurable amount of love and care for her, the insurmountable feelings for her, the uncanny need to have her in my life; and as much as I observe on the other side, her myspace page; the aim aways; and other small things. My heart still yearns. Never will I leave her; we're destined, its written in a blog, if not I'll explain in the next one. but I do believe that she feels the same way; but it would just take time for her heart to come back around. I don't want her to be hurt, I don't want her to be in pain, I don't want her upset, I want nothing but a consistant smile on her face. The happiness to radiate from inside her soul to the outter reaches of her room, car and by extent her family. I want nothing more than the glow to come back to Lauren. I would love for nothing more than to give it back. In my heart, I know, in my soul, I know, with my body I feel it; we're supposed to be one. the stopping factor in the truth is the confusion. I am prepared to do anything she asks of me to bring it all back and to be with her; I told her the story of when I do get my tattoo; and I meant every word. Its almost as if she is forcing herself not to believe me when I say; there is nothing I won't do to be with her. I would ask for another chance, but a 'chance' would imply that at some point something would go wrong again and it would have to be fixed. I don't want another chance. I want to offer her my vow; a declaration from me to her; an honor bound promise from me to her...if she does read this I hope she knows I'm waiting to offer...not a chance; because I'm not one who takes a liking to chances...

For my KiLaDiSa; you know where I am, and you won't give me the moment to get to a good convo w/ you. You know something important is coming.
The rest of you? Fuck off