...Niy & Gnay

So, almost two years have gone by since i first laid font on the female who shall soon be my wife; and we've been through some difficult ass situations, from confusion due to my unnecissary flirt conversations early on, to confusing issues about myself through other friends(see other blogs) but everything has been takin weathered and handled, and done exceptionally well by the both of us, and yeah usually its my fault. but i honestly havent done anything as big as this; and i dont know what brought me to say it without proper backing and a full explanation of myself to her first. Lauren is my baby, as many of you avid readers should already know, and shes been helping me through the toughest and most trying times since ive moved down to florida; shes even been a bigger support system than the fat bitch i mistakenly put into my inner family circle as my lil sister. I was under the impression that when you tell someone they are your friend, they are to have your back whenever you need it, and not turn on you when your at your lowest point, i guess i was wrong. but i digress, I have reached my lowest point, and i just took a good long look at where i was and said i couldnt stand to be here anymore. and when i finally decided that it was my time to just get up and move along, i finally realized that there was a catalyst pushing me and driving me to become a better person. helped me understand that i made a mistake when i dropped out of school for no particular reason, and infact has been a driving force behind me to get my narrow ass back in. not to mention for her i gave up the tweeds, as well as other health detrimental aspects that were around my life. There was a point where i didnt know if i was ever going to amount to anything, and still think of myself as unattractive to the world; and sometimes there are days when i dont think im good enough; and i sometimes even question if im deserving enough of someone of her caliber. she's taken the time to open up to me about her past and everything, brought me into her home, and shown me what life could be like with the perfect match for you. we stay on the phone for hours on end laughing and joking about stupid ass people who enter our places of buisness, she busts my chops for droning on and on about stories which can be summed up in five mins; she laughs at my corny ass jokes; even when we both know them shits aint funny; but we laugh together anyway. hell, she's even got the boy watchin lifetime movies, (from beginning to end, and had me enthralled in the movie). and for me to just say what i thought didnt make any sense. But oddly enough its not for the fact that i dont love her; its for the fact that i dont want to be hurt again; i couldnt take it if i was hurt again. ive had more than enough pain for me to handle in my life as is. long story shortened, only person i truely ever cared about is resting peacefully; but the saddest thing is that her own daughter is keeping the final memorial on the floor off to the shadows in the cut somewhere; and hasnt really said a word to the family since the funeral. I loved my grandmother; im indifferent about my mother to the point where i've adopted other peoples mothers as my own; just so i could get a true motherly feel. My dad; the second person i have only cared about in life is in his bed @ home with tubes and such, and i have only had enough courage to muster up one to two visits to see him since; its really difficult for me to go see him; not travel scenario wise; but i dont have the courage to see some one i admire look up to and want to emulate just at that most weakened state. the last time i was home; i had a discussion with my primary surrogate mother and she explained to me that things will happen to even the best of people; but to me i think my daddy is supposed to live forever; fuck cancer. maybe its the kid in me or maybe its the fact that i cant really fathom how deep our love really runs; but it took the watchful eyes of two of my friends; whom i didnt know were actually as close as they were until today and yesterday to really sit me down and think about what has been going on.

Its almost numerical: 730days + 3000 miles / 1200+ hours on the phone x 5 of the most perfect days i have ever had in my life = 3 memorable ass dates of awsomeness - 1 almost fight + 10 super spicy ass barbeque wings * 1 really fun ass trip to ikea = perfection.

I still dont understand why i didnt realize it before; yeah i had a wall up, but it took an outsider to tell me that they would be devistated if my and my baby broke up. It wasnt until today that i realized i gave another person hope that they could find real love; it wasnt until today that i realized our relationship has touched more people than i honestly thought it did; i didnt realize that our relationship is as strong as it is, until i heard from candice that she looks to me and lauren as an inspiration to keep striving to find that one good dude who would love her like cooked food.
I think nowso more than ever im mad at myself for not realizing that the glimpses i see of us sharing a happy family with the model to set for many a friend of mine and people to just laugh and be jealous of was there all along i wasnt dreaming when i seen us out in the suburbs with 2 kids 4 cars a dog. iono man, as usual i never think these through i just gotta get em down. iono what to do anymore, i just dont want to lose my perfect girl.

I can see em coming down my eyes;
thats why i made the blog cry.

...Halmark Says.

At some point during this day; i had the thought to write a valentines day poem; but that thought was eradicated when i found out that valentines day wasnt about hearts, chocolate, roses & love originally. It turns out that the basis of valentine's day is the memorial of St. Valentine; who used to illegally wed couples who were not allowed by the king; he was then caught and executed on the 14th of Februaray; interesting how we celebrate these holidays right? Easter w/ Bunnies; Christmas with a fat man, and Thanksraping with turkeys & football.

anyway thats not my point; my point is: how do you express your love to the one person who truely deserves it when you have no money to get a gift or buy dinner? how do you express your love to the one person who shares your heart and supports your dreams, no matter how outlandish they may sound when they live 3000 miles away? What joy is the holiday we celebrate if you really cant spend it with the one you love? Whats the true point of valentines day if the person you want to spend it with; gets all of your love 364 or 365 days out of the year depending on if we are leaping or not? whats the point of adding a day speciffically for that? there isnt; its just way to make munnies for halmark and shit.

There are so many things i want to say in this blog and i cant really say them, for the eyes that may read this i kinda didnt tell you what happened; all i know is there was a small argument last night; and it honestly wasnt either of our faults; i dont blame her; and i dont blame me; i blame distance and the halmark company.(see what i did there i rhymed and didnt realize it, damn im smart, but i digress) I love her with the essences of my very existance; that places her on a balcony above the Eagles; above the madden; above the solidarity that i sometimes slink off too when people always ask where have you been. above all that there is this presidential suite in the flyest hotel in the universe and she's reserved it, and i share it with her. "Boy you always have something nice to say in your blogs; why dont you write poetry?" I do; i just havent been moved to really write a poem in recent months, check the work: http://www.gspoetry.com/ (member search: MrWakai) there are so many things i could say to my babes at this moment; and so many different things i could do; but the only thing thats really putting a damper in all my plans is this 3,000 mile barrier of space & time. If i have to find a way to make it possible for humans to become jumpers or BAMFers like nightcrawler and that new movie; then i'll do it; but im almost sure that by the time that comes; we'll be married settled down and have our first child and workin on the 2nd. but hey i could still make munnies. Again with the digressing. anybody who reads this already understands my love, adoration and deep feelings i have for my baybay and its getting harder for me to express those in just plain ass words any more...

Next topic: Happy Birthday KayFickie, you're 23, im glad to see that you made it another year; but your gonna have to get rid of that kato character; hes NOT GOOD FOR YOU, im not gonna keep telling you this; and you should know by now better than anybody if theres one person who wouldnt steer you wrong its me. just heed my words please? and stay friends or your going to end up hurt.

Another friend: Sams; i know things seem mad rough right now and i know you dont think that she's ever gonna talk to you again; but your really gonna have to just muscle up and call her and tell her how you really feel about her; and if she doesnt answer leave a voice mail; if she just iggs the call; keep calling til she picks up leaving a different voice mail every time; text her relentlessly if you have to; you say she's your heart; prove it to her. nahmeen?

Iono shun; i guess that does it for me words of wisdom this time; im still always open for suggestions of what to talk about and if you need advice on anything...

The summary for those who dont read it all:
Its not the fact that you dont have someone on halmark day;
its the fact that they just dont know it yet
and for the couples:
blah blah blah hallmark card words love blah blah.

Peace;
C. Valentino

8/8/06,
10/11/07
My Personal Valentines Days

...til I collapse?

I guess it would be rather normal of me to start a blog off with a 2.5 mth recap, but you should know by now im anything but normal. I dont blog often; and i've really bee off the schnide what with a dead laptop; but for a quick summary: our relationship has gotten stronger and continues to grow; its not Cliff & Claire Huxtable yet; but thats like the Asgard of relationships; so hey; anything on that path is pretty damn awesome. I stayed a little too outspoken @ the damn wendy's job and the moment the one bitch with no power over her own life gets some sort of power at work; the best worker is magically discharged. Im good; i've had alot worse happen to me, but i will survive[/gloria gaynor] it's half frustrating cause the only person i turn to for solace is 3000+ miles away and i cant just lay down and have her rub my head and tell me everything is gonna be ok[/meth&mary j.] i mean i get it on the phone but; its just not the same cause i cant look into her eyes and know it; nahmeen? its almost Halmark Day and i cant even afford to get her a card and send it out; i mean i dont need it; but still its just a nice gesture yaknow? oh; and not to mention im gettin kicked outta my momma house; hows that workin out? oh well i dont have a mother anymore; apparently she was bitten by the boughie bug and im not even sure when she's last heard from the other side of my family. I mean we used to spend holidays together; like fifty family members in one tiny ass apt and we would meal down; and i havent even been to one of those in like 4 or 5 years; im sure that when i go back home, i'll be visiting my Aunties several times out the month; as well as mi padre y mi jugar hermano. I guess her sense of family changed when she up and moved to fla; its kinda hard to explain, but the easiest way to say it is: she doesnt know anything about her own son. Awesome parenting job; to paraphrase marshall: Fucking do-gooder; to bad you couldnt do-good at parenting.

and still; i rise

I mean when the dust settles and i win an award for something cool; or that i want to do the thank you list will read:
Lauren; my wife for staying by my side even when i had less than enough to buy a pack of gum
Dad; cause you my pappy and i loves ya
Grandmoms; I miss you and i wish you could be here to see this and
Dan; just cause yousa egotistical bastard and you deserve thanks for absolutely nothing.
(various production teams or co-workers)
And i didnt leave anybody out.

iono dude; the thoughts always swirl and they always will; but i just cant get em out like i want to.
Im doing good on the promise i made to my babes @ new year; its now 39 days weed free; im doin good
and the rest of my boys done quit back home too so i do believe it will go on for alot longer than that. Hooray for good health and awesome dexterity.

iono, i guess that will do it for now; it already feels like alot of weight was lifted off of my shoulders and i do think this will help my thoughts get slightly more organized; but if they arent, meh; i'll always return.

Shouts to Tina cause i know you finna read this
and i figure i could make you laugh with the shout

and now for the compleatly random thought:
If you could give me any super power; what would it be & Why?
Answers accepted @ Mr.Wakai@yahoo.com , Mr.wakai@gmail.com , sen.saye@yahoo.com or sensei@y7mail.com im all ears to see what yall would say.

Peace; Love & Technology
Everyone's Favorite.