So...I live the life of a confused cursed soul. "well gee frank what brought you to that conclusion?"
well it all started with the fact that i wear my heart on my sleave and how i feel is seen on my face, font, speach, text whatever; and sometimes i get irrational; and dont think shit through properly; i should really look at why that is.
the odd thing is i can't control who i lash them out upon, and the problem is the only person who i truly love and who truly loves me was the latest recipient of these odd lashings. i dont really understand why i have to lash out on her when i could choose anybody else to just unload on and just have my way with their feelings and emotions; but i chose to go after the one person who actually cares about me; maybe i am just like my mother, cause sheen never satisfied about anything i mean im still trying to warm up my hardened and cold ass heart that i have. i mean its like more than just "makes me smile and we enjoy staring at each other" she's motivating me to go back to school, and she's turning a pot head into a non smoker and she's bringin me outta my general listless nigga funk. i mean if i could find the words to say how i really felt; id plaster them across this blog in a font THIS BIG but i cant; her love to me is worth more than the english language and my own mother; and for her i'd trade my entire world as it is; im willing to stand toe to toe with her "father" and take blatant disrespect but not hit that pussy-nigga cause its still her family, even if they dont like him. Im willing to change my life for her; i mean one day imma tell her how i really feel but i cant seem to formulate the words to her; and iono if she thinks i be jokin or if im serious when i tell her vocally. but the thoughts are there and it's rather hard for me to express my feelings properly. My tearducts do work; and i think i need to tell her that; she doesnt know that i fell asleep with tears on my cheeks on the flight back to florida; and she doesnt know that its really hard for me when im sitting at home in my room without her touch; its hard for me to explain i really dont have much experience with this love and long relationship thing; its my first real relationship where im actually getting as much back as im putting into it; last time i was in a relationship i had my heard a-town stomped out; and the one time i tried to tell her; she just brushed it off. i mean it would explain a little of how i am but if she doesnt want to hear then i wont tell her. in my last relationship; i gave most of my all and it all fell through and now we've been together a year and almost 5mths now and there are things i do that i havent ever done before; i mean i'd gladly give her the world wrapped up in a purple bow, if she accepted it. I mean i cant really throw the word down in a blog without sounding redundant; but for me its tough cause even a small part of me is still thinking, lol nah nigga she's just gonna wait until the time is right and then rip out your heart like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and then there are times where it feels like she is the Monica to my Quincy. I mean i want to give her my everything like hands down; and im so ready to do so; but sometimes i get scared to do so; cause of the fear of getting hurt if i do; i had the time of my life when i flew out to cali; and we didnt do anything really but go to one amusement park and one movie; but it was like the most fun and there were like mad pix we took together. Shit was awesome best trip i took in a long time; and i dont want that to just be flushed. I mean if anything i want her to just teach me how to love and help me to become more of an understanding person; iono i guess i let everything pile up at once and not take my time to just think about and laugh about the joke that was being presented; i guess i let the presentation befuddle me and change my thought process...
I mean, this blog was long and originally i wanted to scribe a poem cause i havent thrown down with the bars in a few mths; but i wasnt moved to just rhyme i was moved to just drop the words in a free flowing manner. If you feel like takin the time to read; then word up, and you'll also know that Uncle Phil was the man cause he shat on that palm springs police department i mean it doesnt really have anything to do with the post but its the fact that it was on my TV at the time...so; my thoughts are running thin; but im just glad i got it out, i mean i cant really explain how much i love her without speaking with my hands anyway cause its how i talk and my speach isn't complete without the hand and facial expressions. I just dont wanna lose her, i mean everything i have ever wanted in a significant other/fiance/girlfriend/wifey/best friend is all right here in just one sexy caring package and i screwed up; i cant even front; but then on the flip side; with like these 450+ days we've spent together we've only had two arguments that could be looked at like something to actually worry about. I think thats pretty damn good; i still wanna bring her home to meet my Pops and the rest of my family; i doubt my moms but mainly my dad two brothers and big sis. Iono man; i dont know what i would do if i would lose her; im kind of a recluse now but i think that if i ever did lose this girl id become the most "anti social emo fuck society" nigga to ever walk the face of this earth, and i dont think anything could ever bring me out of it except her.
well it all started with the fact that i wear my heart on my sleave and how i feel is seen on my face, font, speach, text whatever; and sometimes i get irrational; and dont think shit through properly; i should really look at why that is.
the odd thing is i can't control who i lash them out upon, and the problem is the only person who i truly love and who truly loves me was the latest recipient of these odd lashings. i dont really understand why i have to lash out on her when i could choose anybody else to just unload on and just have my way with their feelings and emotions; but i chose to go after the one person who actually cares about me; maybe i am just like my mother, cause sheen never satisfied about anything i mean im still trying to warm up my hardened and cold ass heart that i have. i mean its like more than just "makes me smile and we enjoy staring at each other" she's motivating me to go back to school, and she's turning a pot head into a non smoker and she's bringin me outta my general listless nigga funk. i mean if i could find the words to say how i really felt; id plaster them across this blog in a font THIS BIG but i cant; her love to me is worth more than the english language and my own mother; and for her i'd trade my entire world as it is; im willing to stand toe to toe with her "father" and take blatant disrespect but not hit that pussy-nigga cause its still her family, even if they dont like him. Im willing to change my life for her; i mean one day imma tell her how i really feel but i cant seem to formulate the words to her; and iono if she thinks i be jokin or if im serious when i tell her vocally. but the thoughts are there and it's rather hard for me to express my feelings properly. My tearducts do work; and i think i need to tell her that; she doesnt know that i fell asleep with tears on my cheeks on the flight back to florida; and she doesnt know that its really hard for me when im sitting at home in my room without her touch; its hard for me to explain i really dont have much experience with this love and long relationship thing; its my first real relationship where im actually getting as much back as im putting into it; last time i was in a relationship i had my heard a-town stomped out; and the one time i tried to tell her; she just brushed it off. i mean it would explain a little of how i am but if she doesnt want to hear then i wont tell her. in my last relationship; i gave most of my all and it all fell through and now we've been together a year and almost 5mths now and there are things i do that i havent ever done before; i mean i'd gladly give her the world wrapped up in a purple bow, if she accepted it. I mean i cant really throw the word down in a blog without sounding redundant; but for me its tough cause even a small part of me is still thinking, lol nah nigga she's just gonna wait until the time is right and then rip out your heart like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom, and then there are times where it feels like she is the Monica to my Quincy. I mean i want to give her my everything like hands down; and im so ready to do so; but sometimes i get scared to do so; cause of the fear of getting hurt if i do; i had the time of my life when i flew out to cali; and we didnt do anything really but go to one amusement park and one movie; but it was like the most fun and there were like mad pix we took together. Shit was awesome best trip i took in a long time; and i dont want that to just be flushed. I mean if anything i want her to just teach me how to love and help me to become more of an understanding person; iono i guess i let everything pile up at once and not take my time to just think about and laugh about the joke that was being presented; i guess i let the presentation befuddle me and change my thought process...
I mean, this blog was long and originally i wanted to scribe a poem cause i havent thrown down with the bars in a few mths; but i wasnt moved to just rhyme i was moved to just drop the words in a free flowing manner. If you feel like takin the time to read; then word up, and you'll also know that Uncle Phil was the man cause he shat on that palm springs police department i mean it doesnt really have anything to do with the post but its the fact that it was on my TV at the time...so; my thoughts are running thin; but im just glad i got it out, i mean i cant really explain how much i love her without speaking with my hands anyway cause its how i talk and my speach isn't complete without the hand and facial expressions. I just dont wanna lose her, i mean everything i have ever wanted in a significant other/fiance/girlfriend/wifey/best friend is all right here in just one sexy caring package and i screwed up; i cant even front; but then on the flip side; with like these 450+ days we've spent together we've only had two arguments that could be looked at like something to actually worry about. I think thats pretty damn good; i still wanna bring her home to meet my Pops and the rest of my family; i doubt my moms but mainly my dad two brothers and big sis. Iono man; i dont know what i would do if i would lose her; im kind of a recluse now but i think that if i ever did lose this girl id become the most "anti social emo fuck society" nigga to ever walk the face of this earth, and i dont think anything could ever bring me out of it except her.
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