They tend to fall in this manner:
Swell...fall...roll...stop... ... ..drop
Swell..fall..roll..drop(x2)
...and then the stream begins to the point where its almost impossible to stop; like a slow drip from a faucet
The only thing that seems to slow it down, or stop it, is Dreamland, which becomes some what of an escape to the normal reality that is confusion and a blur; Dreamland is an automated response; it takes me back to happier times, almost like I'm a jumper, and I can see when I want to be; not where. Shall I explain? If you say yes, I got an open seat in this '85 DeLurean. If you say no; just shut up and ride anyway.
So, you would think, when one would mention time traveling; he would be speaking about a specific time in which he went and spent it with Lauren, in most cases, you'd be right; but in this particular case, I would actually have to change how you see it. There were things waaaay prior to the trips out that made me say; 'oh, yeah; I want to be with her' now on one of those occasions, it was her senior year; and I was kickin it in florida. We talked on the regular, and we even had a discussion about me becoming a prom date, but she was set on not going; which was cool. We spent countless nights on the phone, talking about odds and ends, homework and projects and such, not once spinning into a serious argument. So, saturday of senior week comes around, and she heads up to six flags; we had a discussion about me waiting for her to get home safe, and that the time zone would make it a bit harder for me to stay up and wait easily, because she was going to be in so late. I kept telling her I did not care. Welp, she goes, has a great time; and low and behold I'm up alllllll night, chillin sleepy as hell waiting; and 10am my time ticks in, and faithful as the day is long, a message from Lauren; 'I'm home safely, thank you for waiting; go to sleep now baby.' I told her I loved her and hit the sheets with a large smile on my face. Happy times. Tick tock, the days pass and many conversations are born we discuss a wiiiide range of topics from darfur to presidency to astro-physics to entertainment; laughing at the celebreality on vh1 and such. Another moment happens where she steps out with her best friend, and I say; I'm going to stay up and wait for you; repeat cycle from before. so, I get this cell phone, pre-paid; and I get the free nights and weekends; I would spend 8hrs a day m-th on the phone with La, because 11-7 is the freebie time, and I didn't have a headset to talk at work; so we would talk for hours on end, and so, @ 15 cents a min measured for about 4hrs is expensive, i would end up recharging the minutes to get to the weekend so when friday @ 9 rolled around, I could talk until monday morning @ 7 uninterruptedly and with no worries about disconnect due to low monies. So we sat one day and discussed our phone time:
"La: So I went to the tmo store today to pay my bill.
S: Right, right, how much was it? Do you need anything?
La: Nah, I'm good, but this is the thing; dude behind the counter had me rollin
S: How so?
La: He says; 'you have a 1000 minute myfaves plan, right; but you spend 9000 minutes on the phone with 'baby' '
S: Lmao, was he jealous?
La: I asked him, I said; 'what? Is that a problem? Are you jealous or something?' Dude said he wasn't, he just never seen so many minutes spent on one number before on anybody's bill
S: Psh; that nigga is jealous that he don't get to talk to you for 9,000 minutes a month."
We had an awesome laugh at that, simply because myfaves + free nights and weekends = unlimited talk time <3. So, tick tick and the different random convos keep flowing, about random old ladies who can't drive on the I-10 to stupid hoodrat bitches who wanted to be keyshia cole with their fucked up skittles colored hairstyles to the ever confining and rather annoying pressure being put on by our respective mothers at different times; leading us to believe they were secretly in cahoots with dolling out random shit for us to do. Surprise gifts were exchanged; I'll still never forget the phone call around vday 07; "OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG; thannnnk youuuuu babyyyyyy, I loveeeeeee it" you're welcome sweetie, happy v-day, I love you. "*squeeze hand* 'I love you!' awwwww I'm gonna cry again, lisa is so jealous; lol" I bet she is, do you like it for real? "I love it!! Its hello kitty; and its got the purple outfit, and aww look at the birth certificate, her name is 'Peppy'; thank you sweetie; that was so sweet of you!!" it was nothing baby, I love you; I'll do anything for you.' That was quite possibly the best phone call I ever received in my life.
Boy, this time travel stuff shole is fun; (let me remind you this isn't in 100% chronological order tho; the memories are the same; just not in this exact order)
And to think; we haven't even seen each other; and we shared these unparalelled moments of joy between us like we were living around the corner; a quick poem for my memory:
The grains of sand
On all the beaches
Spanning all the land
Wouldn't come 63k inches
Of touching our hands...
...it Reaches
I wrote that on a spur; one night when I was sitting @ home, missing my la, hoping she would read it, and know that even though I was 3,000 miles away, across the country; I was one phone call away for anything. That thought hasn't changed; my sentiments haven't changed; my feelings haven't changed. I still will do anything for my La. I'm one call away; and now I can take the flights on a whim.
So, hopefully the smiles and memories brightened your day; cause they damn sure helped me a little bit.
But I do have to make use on my word; the cries are what deprive me of my sleep at night; and they wake me in the morning; my tear soaked pillow is my best friend right now; I hold conversations with other people, but at the end of the day, only my pillow hears everything that La won't let me tell her. The blog doesn't even know the things that the pillow does, and I'm feenin to tell my heart what the pillow knows, but I can't get the time to express it to her. She doesn't know the pains I go through; she won't let me express the deep sadness I suffer through at night. She can't see how bad she's hurting me by not even giving me an outside look...its like this; the pain I have in my body and the way my soul and heart cry out for her can not be matched by anything physical; or at least anything I could inflict upon myself that would leave me alive. Last night, I had to fight with myself to stop from breaking down into a total sobby mess while I was at work. I have to fight with it every day, but something just grabbed a hold of what's left and twisted with a force not seen since bruce banner transformed out of anger. there is a hole in the wall at the head of my bead where I lay every night, simply because one day I was consumed by anger and sadness and a teary outlet wasn't enough and I just let the anger burst outward, as the tears were flowing. Its no feasable way for me to explain the pain that I have; but I can say this for a sort of bright spot, I still have the unmeasurable amount of love and care for her, the insurmountable feelings for her, the uncanny need to have her in my life; and as much as I observe on the other side, her myspace page; the aim aways; and other small things. My heart still yearns. Never will I leave her; we're destined, its written in a blog, if not I'll explain in the next one. but I do believe that she feels the same way; but it would just take time for her heart to come back around. I don't want her to be hurt, I don't want her to be in pain, I don't want her upset, I want nothing but a consistant smile on her face. The happiness to radiate from inside her soul to the outter reaches of her room, car and by extent her family. I want nothing more than the glow to come back to Lauren. I would love for nothing more than to give it back. In my heart, I know, in my soul, I know, with my body I feel it; we're supposed to be one. the stopping factor in the truth is the confusion. I am prepared to do anything she asks of me to bring it all back and to be with her; I told her the story of when I do get my tattoo; and I meant every word. Its almost as if she is forcing herself not to believe me when I say; there is nothing I won't do to be with her. I would ask for another chance, but a 'chance' would imply that at some point something would go wrong again and it would have to be fixed. I don't want another chance. I want to offer her my vow; a declaration from me to her; an honor bound promise from me to her...if she does read this I hope she knows I'm waiting to offer...not a chance; because I'm not one who takes a liking to chances...
For my KiLaDiSa; you know where I am, and you won't give me the moment to get to a good convo w/ you. You know something important is coming.
The rest of you? Fuck off
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