Banzai Trees & Koi Ponds or The Purpose of Meditation

Yes, I know my title was a mouthfull, but it actually describes the blog very well; on a positive note, I plan on getting two books and an actual banzai tree sometime in the near future. The books have to do with Tai Chi & Buddhism; two good introspectives that involve heavy meditation and self awareness. It'll help that li'l demon I have inside. Ok so its not that li'l; but you catch the drift. Its a lot of good that would come from me doing something I told myself a looong time ago I was supposed to do. I've been wanting a Banzai tree ever since I see Mr. Miagi tend to his in Karate Kid 1&2. Its the general concept behind the tree that I find I am drawn to. Patiently; I must water, prune, and take care of it. Can't rush the beauty of a banzai tree. It also has a lot to do with something I am missing; or need an improvement on, my patience as a reaction point of first response. I've been quick to flare up a lot recently, which is out of my character, but I don't exactly know what the catalyst is, because its been something different every time, so far. I've been told by 4 people the same thing; be patient; the first I should have listened too a long time ago when it was first mentioned; but now I've dug a hole and I don't have any rope. I m,ust be patient. Its killing my natural order; because with being patient takes the control out of my hands; and I am not quite used to this scenario, I'm used to having a stake in what's going on at all times, so then I could be in some sort of control if chaos ensues. So, yes, I must be patient and I must develop that; which is slowly but surely coming around, but it ain't going as fast as it needs to right now. On the flip side of the scenario; I also must work on my understanding. Eventhough it was as high as it was when dealing in direct with people; it was missing the key factor of 'understanding without knowing' which is probably the hardest way for me to understand something. Simply because I'm used to inquiring and figuring out from deducement or just general answers; but I do believe the change needs to be made. I said in previous blogs & letters; that I would do anything to be with her, and now I must put that into action. Wait patiently in the wings; and cherish the time you do have.

"Hello, Sei; you know I have a thought on this right?"
Of course Zat; but urm...you couldn't have waited until I finished writing?
"No, it has to do with where your thoughts are right now."
Alright; what's the good word?
"What happened this week; you don't have to express it, we already know, but think about what happened this week. Like, seriously stop what your currently thinking about and think about this week."
Uh...ok...
"Now what have we learned from those retrospectives?"
She knows, --
"Pfft nigga the universe knows; be more specific."
That I do care, even as of now; I still look in to make sure things are ok; to see how work and school went; even if its only for just a second; I ask, and fall away back to the shadows.
"Ok, and what does that show?"
Dedication
"Good; anything else?"
As per her request; patience.
"Right, and what does that show?"
Well as of right now, since its something that is developing in me, a willingness to do what is asked.
"Good. Anything else?"
Self Second.
"Go on;"
I have been being a selfish person at times; and even though I put her first, I might not have been selfless. #1 in my thoughts and heart, but at times not always number one in my mind; I would blame the OCM; but that would jusr be a way of taking the blame off of myself or trying to make excuses for something I have total control over.
"OCM?"
Only Child Mentality; me first, you second, or if I like you you 1-a
"Yeah...you need to get rid of that."
Like I said, I'm not using it as an excuse, there are no excuses. It was all simply me.
"Good, so not only are you learning what she's trying to tell you; you're adapting to what's around you and taking what others are saying too."
Yes. Evolution.
"Well, you're duces now, so its about damn time that you did."
Yeah, shaddap, just cause your old and we split time, does not mean that I automatically know everything. and technically if it wasn't for me, things would be a whole lot more...rigid.
"Yes, but now is the time to do things the way you know they need to be done"
True, true.
"Yeah, but you are still very, very impulsive...aren't we out $250 right now?"
Mhm, on a whim too...
"I told yo ass not to."
Don't care, I still got a few more days.
"Chalk it, its only money."
Fair enough. But uhh...can I get back to writing this now?
"Yeah sure, I just needed to pop up to remind you of some things"
Much ablighed Zat; you know when you'll be back.

Sorry, avid readers; sometimes the interior does pop up to make sure things are kool moe dee. Anyway, yes; I am patiently waiting and no, I haven't given up on anything; but, because of her request I must take the time to think about every step I am making in dealing with the current situation; instead of lowering my head and charging in with no regard for human life. I did say in the beginning that I was going to look at Tai Chi, so clearly the world's eyes are looking at me like I'm crazy wondering when I was going to mention that. Tai Chi is quite possibly the second most relaxing thing a person can do for themselves outside of yoga and deep meditation, with the practice of Tai Chi it teaches you to slow down; as well as think about every move so that you can glide effortlessly through your thoughts. Now what I am hoping to gain from the study, along with patience is; understanding. I just heard the collective audience go: "huh?" let me explain. Since Aug, I've been thinking a lot. More than I usually do, and instead of circumventing and thinking about everything at once, I honed in my brain's focus and just looked at us. Anyone who knows my thought patterns knows what I mean when I say I decided to focus my thinking. It allows me to take one part of a situation and look at it in depth from all sides of that particular angle. What I have picked up from this particular stop-and-study was something that should have occured to me a loooooooooooooooong time ago, long before august and long before june. I would slip &nd flip. There were three stages of my relationship, and I didn't realize what I was doing;
›The first stage was what I call "wifey"; La was/is my girlfriend and I told her I want to marry her, and that I would do anything for her, and I would show that, more often than not, if I was to give it a number, I would have to say roughly 83% of the time. Which in terms of numbers is a good amount of time, showered with the attention, not thinking of anyone but her; catering to her every need; being there all the time, and even knowing to be there before she was aware that she needed me at the time. Even threw in a few surprises here and there.
›Stage two was what I call "girlfriend"; its almost the same circumstances as wifey except it was a small downgrade, nothing too noticeable but it was there if there was something that was better all the time. I would enter into stage two roughly 10% of the time; which isn't to say its a bad thing, it was just not the norm. GF is considered the 'ok we're together, but I'm insecure, so I ask questions' stage. Its not a good stage, but there weren't any bad notions from it; things were split, eventhough I wasn't anticipating the bad times or waiting on her every whim, I was always there; without a shout of a doubt loyal. Never wavered in anyway from her, but there was still the nagging insecurities; which sometimes would overpower and lead into stage three
›The "really cool chick" stage is the stage that was an involuntary and direct result of the insecurities from stage 2; now clearly the percentage of this stage is rather small; somewhere around 7. This stage is quite possibly the worst stage that I could allow myself to succumb to, especially with as much will power I have; and the amount of self control. Let me explain; in the wifey stage, a persuer of La whom she told me about would get a laugh; and then an immitation of what he said; followed by us sharing laughter. In stage 2, said persuer was met with concern and worry; stage three met the same scenario with a bit more disdain and jealousy of said persuer, and led to a more detrimental series of questions instead of simply asking in a caring way. In stage one, simple outtings were met with calm responses and laughter filled texts; stage two, concern & a few 'who is it' questions and more urgent texts, borderline smothering; stage three, was again more detrimental, adding more stress and demanding more of her than the other two. Even though stage one was 83 and stage three was 7; the magnitude of the 7 had enough weight to overpower stage one and two; which explains why certain things went unmentioned, topics were left untouched, and thoughts went unexplained. Now within these stages, there also happend to be three versions of myself that would show through. Simply put a selfless, her first; a selfless but cautious; and a selfish 'me me me me' version; the problem with this was, that as good as v1 and v2 were, the poor showing of v3 would always stick out in the mind because there were things that happened during the v3 stage that anyone would look at and say: "what the feezie?" So the problem with the fact that there were three stages of me was that it brought about two stages of her; stage one, the "bodyguard" stage, yanno, 'and iiiiiiiiiiiiiiieeeiiiiiiii will always love youuuuuuuuhoooooo-oh' [/whitney houston] and the "wtf smh" stage which when in said stage, things didn't matter, and it usually lasted as long as my stage 3 was around...

"Hello, again."
Yes, sir?
"What took you so long?"
What's that?
"To see the stupid shit you were doing"
I don't know, can I finish this thought and your interjections will be more than welcome...
"Sure; continue."

So, the problem would arise in this nature: 1+2 = :](1), then 1+3 = ;/ (2,go away) then, 1+1+1+2 = ;[ (almost 1) then, 1+1 = 1 ;];]]:*:* (iLy, iLy2) then 3+2 = 2 (I need space) then 1+2 = ? then 1+1=1 & (an awesome feeling) and it coasted into a 2+3 scenario because things became estranged, a few factors were incorporated, and it became 3x3+2 = 2+2 and 3x3+1+2 = *ugh* or to make that simpler: eventhough stage 3 was the less ventured feelings and thoughts it far outweighed the other two and forced a counter-balance or a defense shield to appear. The difference between this one, and the previous defense, is that inorder for it to fall, 3 must be destroyed, and 1 needs to be boosted from 90% to a solid 110%.
At this point, I'm almost certain that all the eyes on this page are crossed and brains have shut down; so allow me to reboot. In order for things to fall back into place, 'selfish, jealous, dickhead" must end up in the Christiana River, with a slit from his juggular to his aorta. The problem with doing something of this magnetudem is not the difficulty of the situational and subsequential death; its finding a way to express and show beyond a shout of a doubt that he is officially dead, gone, incinerated & scattered across five counties. There is no definitive way to show that the demon is exercised, but there are steps to be shown and things that can be placed in areas as hints to he is gone. For example, one of my previous blogs was written out of anger Anti BBBFS, and I wrote it almost a year ago. I honestly have to say that my opinion on and in that blog has changed. So things aren't exactly copasetic, but the afforementioned isn't a bad person; just misunderstood by one, and misguided by another. Signals were crossed and things did not start well; consider this a formal yet encompassing appology to Britney for the wrong vision I took on her stances.

"What made you say that?"
Something hit me like a ton of feathers; call it an epiphany, but it made sense.
"Explain..."
She said she wants the best for Lauren, and that she wanted one like me, but her opinion changed after I left, so clearly something I was doing was not kosher.
"Ok,"
So, it dawned upon me that she is not an enemy of the state, but an ally to the actual cause. Keeping an enemy of an ally for something you and her both want is not a good idea.
"So your hoping to accomplish what?"
Nothing really, I personally wanted to clear the air between me and her, I honestly don't want any bad juju.
"What prompted this, do you have an ulterior motive?"
No, not necissarily an ulterior motive; but its something that's been on my head for a few days; its my heart's best friend, and something happened to her, I personally wouldn't feel right if I didn't clear the air
"Word, word"
So, I decided to offer the olive branch. Between me and b, we're aiming for the same goal, but we're butting heads to get something that we both feel is rightfully deserved.
"I like that, I see I'm rubbing off on that impulsive, brash that you have within"
Yeah, this is true, but you know better than I, that it still lingers for when the time is needed.
"Yes but you are learning an upgraded version of humility"
Right, but...
*unison* "its not up to us to accept what we are showing"
Yes, I already know. These realizations could have come later, but other events could have happened as well.
"So, did you outline your offer to her yet?"
No...
"Df is you waitin for?"
Idk...
"Get to spillin it. Ahora!"

Welp, since I was directed; I have this thought in my head; I mean as of right now, its just a brainstorm session inside of a swirl-pool of ideas for various other things, but for some reason when I stick my feet in the pool, this one swirls to the top; and it stems from keen observations and general care. I would like for nothing more than to support her from now, until she finishes. I know, you guys again; "what the FEEZIE?!!!" but its not like I want to just pay for school or somethin and let her flounder; nah. My idea/unspoken offer is to reawaken her latent happiness, and hidden inner joy. La goes to work, one day out the week, school for four, and kicks it on her off nights. Now if she was about to go shopping shed just hit me and ask for whatever and it wuld be done. No questions no hastles. I know, I know: "but Sei, you live over here, and she's waaaaaaaay over there; that's no bueno; clearly I'd have to swap coasts; but as you know that's nothing for me. Neither is ensuring La's happiness. Contradictory; I'm aware, but as of now this idea is purely in the hypothetical stages, as well as the lack of stipulations and shit. That's the bare bones idea.

"Now how hard was that"
Not hard at all.
"So now what,"
Its out of our hands, almost totally.
"Think she'll read this?"
...

So anyway now that self has taken a backseat; its time to bring everything home. The koi pond and banzai tree are representitives of different ways I would have to treat my relationship with La in order for her to believe the words I'm saying to her. The meditation begets the understanding of her inner most thoughst. in the marathon, its not about what happens now; its about how we build on it together. I still believe that her and I are going to have a future together, I still believe in our marriage and procreation. I also believe that if she does come back then any other issues down the road, if any will be handled a much different way, than just silence and disassociation. Nothing would please me more than to hear her say the words: "ok, but lets just take it one day @ a time" I have no problems rebuilding our perfection together, as well as I lack the qualms involving doing whatever she requests of me. Its nothing of me to do for her, and she knows it. Its just a matter of how soon will she be ready to accept and welcome that feeling she once had; that 'hand me the world on a silver platter, it wouldn't even matter; because I ain't got nothing, if I can't have you" feeling back in her life. I have absolutely no issues with giving her everything and taking nothing from her. I will gladly return to my Lauren D. Sanders with no hesitaton and lack of any fear of anything. I want to take the leap with her...
Or in other words: she's got me goin in circles...oh oh oh 'round and 'round I go...
She is; the poem I cannot write, the story I can't complete. My muse and my vigor, everything to me, always will be...