"'Tis the season" isn't that what they say during Christmas when they expect you to be happy, I do believe so...well it ain't that season aparently. Lets change the meaning shall we? Lets :)
The Summertime definitions of 'Tis the Season':
-Of change: Seemingly everybody decides they want to do something different now, since school's out and its lighter longer...
Now don't you sit there and act brand new like you don't know somebody who has changed in some way during the three hawt months. I call it the season of change, not the season of good or bad change. People change all the time, this is true, but from my observences, it seems to happen more during the summer. Some people begin to change in like april with the flowers, it may be subtle, but it ends up snowballing into something big, for example: someone could have issues with immaturity; small issues but issues none the less; and starting in may, you'll see something subtle with a change, maybe take on a few more responsibilities or something of that nature; and by the end of july you start to see a big differece, with things like taking responsibility for the actions they do, and such. Now...before you say: "awl Frank, nigga you crazy, I ain't never seen that in somebody" it was just an example homeskillitaiton. An amazing side note; I made the mose awesome damn blue kool aid this morning. Its like...perfection in a pitcher. It was great. Anyway; back to the change, on the flip side some people are known to go on a Clark Kent-ish type change, one day they have their ways and the next day totally different person, and yes you've seen that style too; its a lot easier to recognize, because its usually something drastic. but, as it stands for my 22yrs on the planet I have to say "birthday change" is possibly the best style change ever. Simply because 83.7% of the time you don't see the change coming until its too late, which may or may not necissarily be a bad thing, it just surprises the fuck outta you. One day things are honky-dory and then sha-BAMPF! Whole new person. Didn't see it coming, didn't expect it, wasn't prepared, no time to study, just a hello! Pop quiz time, can you handle me after my birthday? Interestingly, this isn't slated for just one particular gender, but EVERYONE goes through the birthday change, I've done it, my best friend has done it, his "I wish they would get together so the shit can stop" girlfriend has done it. My mom, stepdad, stepmom, girlfriend, her friends, people in the hood. Everybody has the birthday change. Is it better? Is it worse? Psh, its a surprise; hell its so surprising that the changee doesn't even know its happening until they take a retrospective peek into the recent past, and see for themselves; sometimes they may say: oh I changed for the better; or it might be a change for the worst who knows...nobody that's who!
-of Singularity: So like; summer is totally an awesome time of self rediscovery, self awareness and self reliance. That's awesome, but I've notices that a lot of people I know who happen to be in relationships seem to go through the toughest time keeping themselves composed through the hot summer months, temptation is a bitch, and if you can't attest to that being a factor of truth, just take a look at your best friends; do a quiet observation on anybody who hasn't been in a relationship longer than 6mths and the summer hit. I can name several examples of people who struggled just because dudes only wear beaters or chicks throw on the dukes. Its a tough challenge for any one with a weak will to overcome the temptations. Its fun to watch the weaker ones mishandle the challenges, especially when expierience is on your side, and things of a simple nature come to visualization its actually fun to do a little play-by-play when the inexpierienced are floundering; especially when offering coaching and advisory. Good news though, if the student learns from the coaching factors, its quite rewarding to see the fruits of the patience and help paying off when summer is over and september hits and the budding relationship grows a little stronger. Bad news is, a lot of relationships can't sustain over the summer, and then a lot of single people are rebirthed and come out a little less trusting because something happened to them in their relationship that caused a major switch in their trust level and faith in sustaining a relationship, which leaves them stuck in a "singularity is the best position to be in" mindset for a goo whilea good while...6mths or longer, pending on how much time and care was placed into the situation.
-of Reconciliation: Through all of the destruction summer does bring there's always that hope that something good will come out of it; and if the summer experience is as high as others may be, then summer may just bring you limitless joy and happiness that a lesson was learned most likely causing general self reassurance and a general overall 'I feel good' moment or 6. What makes the "feel good" moments so good is partially based on what the catalyst was; and how it interracted with the situation.
I'm just glad this summer, personally was one of my better birthdays spent. July sucked as usual, and the verdict is still out on august. Lets put things into perspective for those who forgot what Sensei is about:
So, I have the most amazing girlfriend in the world; you might think that's an over-exaggeration; but the funny thing is, it just might be an understatement. Its not. The things she has done for me are immeasureable; and the fun we've had together is unfathomable; unless you've been there. I think what makes our situation more than great is the fact that I've had people, whom I haven't spoken to in a good while; tell me that they are in 'awe' or 'envious' of our relationship, or how our relationship gives them hope that they too will find themselves something as good as ours. People whome I never would have thought were paying that much attention to me and my babe, and even some who surprised me totally, with a new hope that they will find something that can compare. To me I think the best example of that would have to be Lauren's best friend saying to her; that "she wishes she could find a guy like Frank" (that's me) even as much as she spites me, and how much she may be against me, I am hoping that she can find a good person to treat her well, she's my baby's homie she deserves to be done right as well. I'm digressing again. I went to cali twice; never been before in my life, and I'll admit I was scared outside of my mind, both times; the first I was nervous comin down LAX's escalator because I was worried that she wasn't going to be there, and she was, went from a good flight to an awesome 5 days in october. Eventhough I slept through our first date, curse you jetlag!! Our second, third and fourth dates (which never left the house) were quite possibly the most fun & fattening I've ever had. But I think the fifth date was our most special. We stepped out to an amusement park, I was becoming sick due to climate changes and we still had a great time; it was fun, because of small things that happened between us; yanno stuff like a $10 voucher in the park being enough money for the two Li'l Piggies to eat a good meal. Feeding each other pizza & salad and sharing a sprite. All the while making the other 3 at our table jealous, and the people at the surrounding area as well...(hey, Lauren I know your going to read this; can I draw the Hawaiian Islands on your chest? Lmao.)
So things were a little rough on the return home, I didn't want to leave; she didn't want me to go, stupid work & obligations; anyway I touched back in fla, and I think our time spent together strengthened us more than anything. December came, and I gave her two very large pieces of my being; as well as a letter explaining why I did. She couldn't understand why, I explained, it was simple; three words bigger meaning between us than mirriam-webster & roget's thesaurus all combined. I love you. It wasn't any other way for me to explain it. So, ffwd a few mths and as sort of a return valentines gift, I received a new phone and a brand new plan. Huzzah for Monthly! But, it wasn't the phone that was the surprise and the heart melting 'aww' moment; it was when I opened the phone and I had one measly contact in my address book; it said: "P-Nutt" and in sidekicks, you can put a note with your phone contacts; the note reads:
"I LOVE YOU BABY! HAPPY VALENTINES DAY! I WISH WE COULD'VE SPENT IT TOGETHER, BUT NEXT YEAR WE WILL. HUGS KISSES AND BABIES IN THE FUTURE! MUAHHH! <3!"
That note alone as enough to make me realize there ain't another soul in the grandure that is our blessed universe for me. There wasn't a maybe next year, it was a guarantee.
I hated florida, and she knew it, could hear it in my voice, see it in the way I would react to things and even how my face was down when I was leaving on the flight from cali in oct. I moved back to de, and still wasn't quite happy yet, and she could tell. But I think the key moment for us was the june situation. I had sort-of proposed to her on many different occasions verbally, fontually, textually, and idk if she took them serious or not, but I meant 'em, and there was a point, while I was living in the most negative place on earth, that I told her I wanted to get out of dodge, and move west; we were in perfect harmony with it. Knowing the idea wouldn't come to fruition immediately giving us time to plan and to work out the financial kinks and small nuances that needed to be handled before one person can completely abandon his general safe zone of living arangements. Not to mention the mental prep a woman would need to adjust before living with her boyfriend.
Anyway, our original birthdy plans were scrapped due to lisa and her general care and overprotectiveness of my babe, I wasn't upset, we just had to adjust for the situation; so I flew west once more. I think it was the greatest trip I ever had; capped off by a slightly conspicuous beginning, by my ass missing the original flight. But when I landed we couldn't keep our hands away from each other, I even think brit became a little jealous and nauseated at the same time; sorry best homie; I missed my girlfriend. For 7 days we kicked it, like 6 David Beckhams, most fun I've ever had; I'm torn between the aquarium trip we took where she was all "omg ewww the stingray is so gooey" but touched it anyway and the time we spent in blockbuster trying to figure out which movie to get. ('Babe look! Its "The Urban Ninja"! "Boy, put that down, it looks like two niggas filmed it with a video camera on the back strets of Chicago.") After we left blockbuster; we went to subway; I think it was funny cause we watched Juno and were both about to birth twin food babies. Go figure. Mm...sex on the living room floor...Damn it, Brina!! So...it was time for me to come home, and I was oh so close to missing my flight for 3 days straight, just so I could spend more time with her. We had the best moments of our short, long relationship in june, but something happened, something odd. And it started with july and myself. As much as I love that girl, something switched in me, I did the pre-documented superman change, and it went haywire. The whole situation was subconcious and I didn't realize what I was doing, soon; long work conversations turned to short work arguments, loving night time phone calls turned to angry I'm going to sleeps...now. One can say, the entire month of july wasn't all bad, we had great laughs still, but I'm convinced that because we had to steal away from each other after we formed the bond and strengthen our connection, something went fritz-ish. We made it to august. And our anniversary hit, and I felt like a complete piece of shit. My girlfriend for two years and I couldn't even afford to get her a card; now, its not to say I couldn't have planned better; budgeted right and made it happen, but I was procrastinating, I was being foolish, I always said: oh, eh I'll get it tomorrow; knowing I'd end up saying the same thing...who really knows what was going through my mind, especially after everything we have and have been through; (dad wanted to throw hands; as we'll as jealous fat nigga at universal studios) and how much issues we've dealt with in such a short time. Consider this an 'I'm Sorry' to my girlfriend. Consider this a realization that the best thing I have is teetering on the brink of confusion. And I'm starting to understand why.
The title was "why I prefer my shell" but the funny thing about it is its the complete opposite of that, because everything I've mentioned is the antithisis of me having a shell. I used to do my best to keep everything out; I then let her in, but I was afraid prior to 2008; now she's in and what I considered my deepest fear; of loving to much and to have it all crumble because of something I've done, or didn't do, is starting to rear its bastard-ass head...
In the last few mths, I've lost my best friend, grew stronger with my girl, and just when I was prepared to make her my best and push him away...I screwed up. Lets hope I can turn this around so I won't be alone and scared to love anymore...
Do I want to lose her? Psh...no. Can I make better strides to show hwe that? Fuck yeah. Will she let me...
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