...Niy & Gnay

So, almost two years have gone by since i first laid font on the female who shall soon be my wife; and we've been through some difficult ass situations, from confusion due to my unnecissary flirt conversations early on, to confusing issues about myself through other friends(see other blogs) but everything has been takin weathered and handled, and done exceptionally well by the both of us, and yeah usually its my fault. but i honestly havent done anything as big as this; and i dont know what brought me to say it without proper backing and a full explanation of myself to her first. Lauren is my baby, as many of you avid readers should already know, and shes been helping me through the toughest and most trying times since ive moved down to florida; shes even been a bigger support system than the fat bitch i mistakenly put into my inner family circle as my lil sister. I was under the impression that when you tell someone they are your friend, they are to have your back whenever you need it, and not turn on you when your at your lowest point, i guess i was wrong. but i digress, I have reached my lowest point, and i just took a good long look at where i was and said i couldnt stand to be here anymore. and when i finally decided that it was my time to just get up and move along, i finally realized that there was a catalyst pushing me and driving me to become a better person. helped me understand that i made a mistake when i dropped out of school for no particular reason, and infact has been a driving force behind me to get my narrow ass back in. not to mention for her i gave up the tweeds, as well as other health detrimental aspects that were around my life. There was a point where i didnt know if i was ever going to amount to anything, and still think of myself as unattractive to the world; and sometimes there are days when i dont think im good enough; and i sometimes even question if im deserving enough of someone of her caliber. she's taken the time to open up to me about her past and everything, brought me into her home, and shown me what life could be like with the perfect match for you. we stay on the phone for hours on end laughing and joking about stupid ass people who enter our places of buisness, she busts my chops for droning on and on about stories which can be summed up in five mins; she laughs at my corny ass jokes; even when we both know them shits aint funny; but we laugh together anyway. hell, she's even got the boy watchin lifetime movies, (from beginning to end, and had me enthralled in the movie). and for me to just say what i thought didnt make any sense. But oddly enough its not for the fact that i dont love her; its for the fact that i dont want to be hurt again; i couldnt take it if i was hurt again. ive had more than enough pain for me to handle in my life as is. long story shortened, only person i truely ever cared about is resting peacefully; but the saddest thing is that her own daughter is keeping the final memorial on the floor off to the shadows in the cut somewhere; and hasnt really said a word to the family since the funeral. I loved my grandmother; im indifferent about my mother to the point where i've adopted other peoples mothers as my own; just so i could get a true motherly feel. My dad; the second person i have only cared about in life is in his bed @ home with tubes and such, and i have only had enough courage to muster up one to two visits to see him since; its really difficult for me to go see him; not travel scenario wise; but i dont have the courage to see some one i admire look up to and want to emulate just at that most weakened state. the last time i was home; i had a discussion with my primary surrogate mother and she explained to me that things will happen to even the best of people; but to me i think my daddy is supposed to live forever; fuck cancer. maybe its the kid in me or maybe its the fact that i cant really fathom how deep our love really runs; but it took the watchful eyes of two of my friends; whom i didnt know were actually as close as they were until today and yesterday to really sit me down and think about what has been going on.

Its almost numerical: 730days + 3000 miles / 1200+ hours on the phone x 5 of the most perfect days i have ever had in my life = 3 memorable ass dates of awsomeness - 1 almost fight + 10 super spicy ass barbeque wings * 1 really fun ass trip to ikea = perfection.

I still dont understand why i didnt realize it before; yeah i had a wall up, but it took an outsider to tell me that they would be devistated if my and my baby broke up. It wasnt until today that i realized i gave another person hope that they could find real love; it wasnt until today that i realized our relationship has touched more people than i honestly thought it did; i didnt realize that our relationship is as strong as it is, until i heard from candice that she looks to me and lauren as an inspiration to keep striving to find that one good dude who would love her like cooked food.
I think nowso more than ever im mad at myself for not realizing that the glimpses i see of us sharing a happy family with the model to set for many a friend of mine and people to just laugh and be jealous of was there all along i wasnt dreaming when i seen us out in the suburbs with 2 kids 4 cars a dog. iono man, as usual i never think these through i just gotta get em down. iono what to do anymore, i just dont want to lose my perfect girl.

I can see em coming down my eyes;
thats why i made the blog cry.